Why does this mum keep doing this?!

[Allthesesayingsidontunderstand]

Mum from school, my dd adores her dd and vice versa. Live very close by, she’s said about three/four times previously for my dd to come to play at their house. She initiates this, very enthusiastically, says the day time loosely, in the past she’d say she’d text, never did, ok, bit annoying, but not too bad, Dd bit disappointed.
They dropped by to our house the other day, kids played for a bit. Mum made invite for later on today at set time, went on and on about it, she told all the girls, got them all excited, she said to text.
I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply 🤷🏻‍♀️
Told dd now it’s not happening, but maybe another day and we’ve made plans to go to a Christmas village later. Dd very disappointed thos time.
Why do she do this? What is the point, my friends and I only cancel if def need to. The thing I dont get is why be the one to initiate it so enthusiastically each time? She’s not being orompted to, I don’t do that.
She’s extremely outgoing and confident and lives in a beautiful house, so no issues with shyness or worrying about her house etc
I just find the big song and dance about it all a bit weird now with no follow through and I feel saf for dd now,

I would just smile and say ‘ooh yes lovely!’, then I’d forget all about it 🙂

This is flakiness personified. You make an arrangement and stick to it. Other events don't get priority.

@Allthesesayingsidontunderstand I think if I were the other Mum and had asked you to text, I’d expect to hear before the actual day. However, I’d have made a firmer arrangement to begin with.

I think you’re right but it’s most likely 1 or 2. Sounds like this is about her and not you so I wouldn’t sorry about that, but it’s not fair on your DD to keep getting her hopes up like that. If and when she suggests it again, could you ask her if she’s definitely going to be able to make it this time, because DD was so upset and disappointed last time? “No problem either way, I just don’t want to get her hopes up again.” Or would you not feel comfortable or saying something like that? I think her reaction would be very telling - like if she’s gets defensive it would tell you what she’s really like, as I suspect her friendly, confident behaviour is probably masking something.

Some people likes plan a, b & c… and then pick 🫣

Not nice to be plan b or c but I would stop accepting and teach your daughter than she shouldn’t accept this behavior.

the other mom can have her daughter disappointed this time 🤷🏼‍♀️

Next time tell her you'd rather surprise the kids with it so not to tell them it's happening. That way you can be annoyed without knowing the bairns upset on top.

The days before mobile phones you set a time and that was it. Was there a need to check? You could have just turned up as was the plan. I would say to her if you do t hear otherwise you assume going ahead as arranged. X

I had a neighbour like this, I think it's just a lack of personality. If you don't want to meet, don't ask. Next time she suggests, just say yes sure, and assume she doesn't actually want to meet.

I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply

Never, ever, send a message like this, to someone like that. By asking if it's "still ok" knowing full well what was agreed, this then suggests that you think it may not be so...and even though you may think that, you must never let the person know. A better message would be to tell them you're already to go and will be there at X time (even if you've no intention of going until they have replied to say it is in fact ok). Then it's on them to follow up.

I am married to someone who comes from a family of people who are constantly asking if everything is still on...I subscribe to the "no news is good news" theory, therefore unless I have told you something is cancelled then it won't be. We agreed a time and a place - be there.

Have you quietly asked any other mums about how this mum carries on - you might find others have been through it with her. Is it some sort of attention seeking behaviour?

Does your DD chat to the girls at school?

Mum might have her hands full if she's got 3 all close together, she might forget what she's said - not fair on you though.

All of this, why do people need to complicate things

If you turn up and she doesn't ot is rude and then don't arrange anything else, if you are this desperate for friends work on that don't put it on to her

Option A next time it comes up, say no thanks, I’m not making plans anymore, it’s too disappointing for my daughter when you constantly don’t follow up and leave us hanging.
Option B suggest you pick up her daughter to play at your house, and she can collect her from yours at the end of the play date. So your in charge of the arrangements

Her girls are 5 & 7, mine is 6.
She says to stay and have coffee etc, we tend to do that where we are

Play her game, next time she enthusiastically suggests it say thank you but we are busy maybe some other time. Nothing more odd than some of these mums in the school playground!

Not sure what advice to give you but people like this annoy me to no end. My SIL made me wait in all day for her two days in a row and a no show, i wouldnt mind but she was visiting her dad who lives around the corner literally both days, a couple days after that she had a genuine excuse of having to go to A&E. been two weeks now still havent seen her.
like if you clearly have other plans please just tell me dont make we wait all damn day and get my kid excited then do a noshow.

I wouldn’t ‘check’ with her. Send her a text in the morning saying something along the lines ‘DD is really looking forward to her play date. I’ll drop her off at 4 as planned. Allthesesayings x’

She cant ignore that believing that you are going to turn up at the door. She will have to reply with some wimpy excuse.

I’ve known so many people like this through my life. They are full enthusiasm in the moment and genuinely mean to invite your you in the moment, then something else crops up that they’d prefer to do and that’s the end of your plans. They often don’t like the bit where they know they’re going to appear flaky so just try to ignore the issue hoping it’ll go away.

That’s so disappointing for your DD and I’d be pissed if I’m planned my day around it.
next time she mentions having you over I would say “are you sure? Dd was really excited last time and I don’t want to disappoint her. Absolutely fine if you can’t but I don’t want to get her hopes up” or honestly just stop
taking it as a real offer, smile, and pretend she didn’t say anything.

She may well have her reasons; she says it to fill an awkwardness, albeit in her own mind. Perhaps, she says it only to be polite, but doesn’t intend on honouring it. Maybe she feels embarrassed about her domestic situations/ relationship/ unrest/ lack of tidy home. Maybe she’s an overwhelmed but well intentioned person. What if she has social anxiety and panics at the last moment, hoping that if she ignores you, you’ll stop approaching her? Maybe she’s using you and your space and generosity, by pretending that she will reciprocate.

even if she does have a reason, your time and kindness is not being valued by her and that’s not OK.

i don’t know how old your daughter is, but if she’s old enough, I’d explain that sometimes adults say things to be polite but then don’t/ can’t follow through for many reasons. In this case, you don’t know the reason but hope that the friend’s mum and family are OK.

you then have a choice; either you can keep doing the hosting for the sake of your daughter and accept that it’ll never be reciprocated, or your daughter just plays with her friend at school.

It's weird, isn't it. My personal feeling about (some) people like that - i.e. people who come across as super warm, enthusiastic and gregarious - is that they actually prefer to keep people at arm's length, as they don't feel they can sustain the niceness. So it's easier for them to keep it on a surface level.
I would gently call her out on it, and explain to your child that she's not someone who can necessarily be relied upon.

Next time you make arrangements for your little one to go over to hers text in the morning asking if plans still stand. If she reads it & doesn't respond ring her. If she doesn't answer message her saying you've seen she's read your message & now you assume the plans have been cancelled yet again. If she asks your DC again for a play date at hers just explain that she's cancelled a few times now & your DD has been disappointed so you'd rather not make arrangements but if she rings you when they have a spare day free, & you're free you'd be happy to drop her off.