Why does this mum keep doing this?!

[Allthesesayingsidontunderstand]

Mum from school, my dd adores her dd and vice versa. Live very close by, she’s said about three/four times previously for my dd to come to play at their house. She initiates this, very enthusiastically, says the day time loosely, in the past she’d say she’d text, never did, ok, bit annoying, but not too bad, Dd bit disappointed.
They dropped by to our house the other day, kids played for a bit. Mum made invite for later on today at set time, went on and on about it, she told all the girls, got them all excited, she said to text.
I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply 🤷🏻‍♀️
Told dd now it’s not happening, but maybe another day and we’ve made plans to go to a Christmas village later. Dd very disappointed thos time.
Why do she do this? What is the point, my friends and I only cancel if def need to. The thing I dont get is why be the one to initiate it so enthusiastically each time? She’s not being orompted to, I don’t do that.
She’s extremely outgoing and confident and lives in a beautiful house, so no issues with shyness or worrying about her house etc
I just find the big song and dance about it all a bit weird now with no follow through and I feel saf for dd now,

Yep! If you’ve made a commitment (especially with other people/kids involved) then you don’t just ditch that every time for some random reason.

Sorry OP I have no pearls of wisdom but you have my sympathy. It isn't really regarded as safe or socially acceptable for kids (young kids especially) to just hang about on the streets together and yet most parents seem literally incapable of facilitating even the most basic of social interactions between kids.... Then we're all sat here scratching our heads wondering why our kids are all growing up mentally unwell and incapable of leaving their bedroom or putting their phone down.... I too feel like it's trying to get blood out of a stone organising playdates. I think we just have to do the best. Be open and willing to doing what we can to facilitate friendships and accept that for the good of our children we're going to be the one who opens up our home to our children's friends. In a few years they'll be old enough to facilitate things themselves but until then good luck and know that you're not alone xx

@Quitelikeit I don’t know what it’s like inside, but it’s a beautiful multi million pound house so i’m guessing she’s not embarrassed 🤷🏻‍♀️
We stay at play dates, she makes a huge deal of this too, how she’ll make us some good coffee etc, quite odd

Was there a definite arrangement for today - time and place?

If so, zi wouldn’t be messaging to see if it’s still on and assuming a no-reply means it’s been cancelled. I’d assume it’s on unless you hear otherwise.

I tend to confirm with people by saying ‘Looking forward to X’ rather than ‘Are you still able to do X’

Im wondering if the previous time that never happened, was something she thought was arranged, and that you didn’t show up to. You were waiting for confirmation from her, but she thought the arrangement was in place.

I wonder if you’ve got crossed wires? Any chance of that?

It's bad enough to have a flaky unreliable friend yourself, but when it's your child that's being let down, it's ten times worse.
I would not accept any more play date invites from her, you can always invite your daughters friend over to yours, preferably with a couple of other children, so if flaky mum doesn't bring her own daughter, your own girl will have others to play with.

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat Not sure if i’m
reading too much into it, but there is a weird energy when they’re together. He’s very quiet, she’s very loud, but when together, she’s much quieter and not as friendly to people/a bit moody/miserable. But she’s such a strong woman, i’d find it hard to believe she’s controlled by him etc

This. Disappointing a child is not fair.

If she invites again, my inclination would be to say that I will check my calendar and get back to her. Having "Checked my calendar" I would decline the invite. Not fair on your DD to be constantly disappointed.

I wouldn't bother with her tbh. I don't tolerate flakiness.

Just take dd somewhere nice for tea and maybe take a different friend too? Or invite a different friend to yours?

Apparently strong women are just as easily controlled by men. Just bear in mind that this could be the reason for her not inviting people home.

MIL used to do this with young kids - I had phrasing to get her to stop and to explain it wasn't likely to happen to the kids - can't think what it was now but did think though and practise it so it just came out - very brisk well that's clearly nonsense response.

I hated it at time but then when we had a mother like this trying to arrange shit or letting us down - it was a huge help and phrase just slipped out.

Other option is to re-direct to neutral venues - parks fun museums - that fine if they don't turn up or are late and to hope your child forgets they said they may come - possibly easier as I had three who'd play together.

You initiate first, pre-empt her.

Or if she initiates, say no can do.

I would just go at the appointed ntime, no need to check.

Yeah I wouldn’t be letting this carry on into 2025. Next time she does it I would just say, “let’s organise on the day” and then don’t mention it again. Not sure how old the children are but I would also explain to my DD that sometimes adults make plans they can’t always stick to and it’s best not to get her hopes up about going there. And make other plans with other parents in the meantime!

@Vroomfondleswaistcoat Yes possibly, but surely you wouldn’t make a huge song and dance about it all and keep inviting?

If she's got a lovely house she might want to show it off. She may well really really want to have people round (being controlled by a man can make life very lonely), but she might have to run all invites past him and he can say yes or no. And if he doesn't much like kids, he'll likely always say no, but she can hope.

Or I could be completely wrong and she's just a bit odd, of course.

Some people are just really flaky. It’s annoying, but it is what it is. If the girls are keen to play together I’d have them round to your house instead.

I did once turn up at a house at pre-invited time to find my friend getting ready to go out with another friend and both their DDs to a venue only accessible by car - so we couldn't follow. Few minutes later we'd have missed them - she failed to text of phone to cancel us.

My DD was so disappointed - and I had to navigate situation for some reason I felt embarrassed by and come up with something fun for my child on way home not great experience.

I did continue friendship with both of the other mothers but one who dumped us for better offer - never arranged anything with just her and her DD and us again - we met at venue or it was part of a bigger group. I'm not sure she actually realised but I wasn't having my child upset by her flakiness again.

Having a a PP comment about having them round your house instead - is the offer a prompt for you to do this rather than an actual offer ?

She wants all the virtue of being a hostess without making the effort.

I agree

Sounds like a good friend of mine who has had an adult diagnosis of ADHD. Very gregarious, outgoing, enthusiastic. By their own admission, over-promises and never delivers. It’s probably not intentional. There’s just always something that has to be done immediately and any other previous commitments get forgotten.

In fairness, the friend is aware of their own failings but is so used to styling out that they think everyone else isn’t bothered either!

Not easy on your DD, I’d maybe make light of it, ‘we will see if it comes off and if not, there’s always another time. What shall we do instead?’

I would really warmly but quite assertively say how my daughter was really looking forward to it, and you were as well. Reiterate how close the girls are and also that you wanted to socialise with her.
I'm sure she'd make her apology/excuse and bear in mind not to make arrangements that she's not committed to.
I'd approach as being a bit confused/disappointed, not angry.
There's nothing wrong with making it clear you noticed and don't just take planned dates as non confirmed 'possible' pencils in her diary!
No need to be anything other than friendly. But she should know it's impolite to mess people about.

Nothing to add I'm afraid, but I'm really picturing Amanda from Motherland for some reason 😳

Just asking again….any chance that they are crossed wires? Any chance that last time she asked you, she thought there was an arrangement ,..and that you didn’t turn up? Any chance she thinks you’re trying to flake out of the arrangement?

Was a definite arrangement, time and place made for today…or was it more a vague ‘maybe we will get together’. If the former, I’d turn up. She hasn’t contacted you to cancel, but you seem to have assumed a cancellation. Could be crossed wires and different expectations about what the communication means??