Why does this mum keep doing this?!

[Allthesesayingsidontunderstand]

Mum from school, my dd adores her dd and vice versa. Live very close by, she’s said about three/four times previously for my dd to come to play at their house. She initiates this, very enthusiastically, says the day time loosely, in the past she’d say she’d text, never did, ok, bit annoying, but not too bad, Dd bit disappointed.
They dropped by to our house the other day, kids played for a bit. Mum made invite for later on today at set time, went on and on about it, she told all the girls, got them all excited, she said to text.
I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply 🤷🏻‍♀️
Told dd now it’s not happening, but maybe another day and we’ve made plans to go to a Christmas village later. Dd very disappointed thos time.
Why do she do this? What is the point, my friends and I only cancel if def need to. The thing I dont get is why be the one to initiate it so enthusiastically each time? She’s not being orompted to, I don’t do that.
She’s extremely outgoing and confident and lives in a beautiful house, so no issues with shyness or worrying about her house etc
I just find the big song and dance about it all a bit weird now with no follow through and I feel saf for dd now,

@HazelTiger So what?! It’s not about that, i’m not constantly asking her in front of all our kids, then not going ahead? That’s what this post is about, what are you not getting? 🤷🏻‍♀️

@Allthesesayingsidontunderstand

I once had a friend like this.

My husband had a job opportunity in a town 2 hours from where we lived. I was on mat leave so we moved there for just over a year.

I had a young child and didnt know anybody, so I joined some baby classes and met a nice group of mums, we would meet a couple of times a week, but I still had the rest of the week to fill.

A lovely woman lived a few doors down from me with her son who was 4 at the time and not yet at school, she worked very part-time.

She was very friendly, outgoing, life and soul. She befriended me and was always offering ways she could help out, included me in local events, introduced me to other people.

It was all very kind and helpful.

Until the flakiness started to show.

I began to realise that she saw me as a bit of a charity case (despite my having my group of new mum friends) and that I was always just a charitable "add on" to anything she had going on.

I suspect a bit of ADHD with her as she would make plans, then I'd receive loads of rambling voicemails about how she couldn't do what she'd planned because x, y, z had come up.

She'd ramble through loads of possible solutions (none of them possible) leaving me as the one who would have to say "it's ok, just leave it".

She would then say something like "I'd drop you in a cake / souvenir on my way home!" and big it up like this was just as good.

Her heart was in the right place, but she definitely didn't see us as equals.

@HazelTiger Not the same at all, have you read all my posts

I’d stop allowing your dd to be disappointed like this. Can’t stand flaky people as it is but when they disappoint children that’s too far. Say ‘no thanks we have plans then’.

I’d bet she’s almost certainly an anxious person, despite appearances. That’s why people do this. It’s not an excuse, just a reason.

You never know, she may even have borderline or bipolar which can make people behave in this kind of way.

You could definitely mention it to her if she does it again. Say you’d like to arrange something but the last few times she’s ghosted you and you’re not sure why and you don’t want to keep disappointing DD.

@TheBerry Yes, I think there’s something extra going on with her, it really is such bizarre behaviour

The girls are 5, 6 and 7, not sure of huge relevance of that though @HazelTiger

I’d reply to this and say something like ‘this is the second time you’ve invited dd round and then not followed through. It’s upsetting to her - it’s fine to not want a play date at your home but cruel to offer in front of my child and rescind at last minute. Please don’t do it again.’

What's your plan going forward @Allthesesayingsidontunderstand ?
As you know you'll likely see her at some stage and she'll probably suggest another playdate so some action is needed on your part. Have you decided what to say to prevent this happening again?

@Anewstart2024 I think i’ll have to somehow say to her ‘We’d love to do a playdate, but let’s not say it in front of Dd as she gets so excited each time and plans it all and then gets sad, let’s try to make sure we stick to it’ 🤷🏻‍♀️

@HazelTiger I can do, although not feeling like it atm tbh due to this, I can do, it she didn’t show though, Dd would be even more disappointed

@HazelTiger Jesus…

It’s never been on my initiation as, without sounding mean, she is very intense and i’m ok with dd and I’s social life for both of us at the moment, with our chilled, less complicated pals..! So it’s never been a priority to invite her round, sorry if that sounds mean!
This post is about her constantly very enthusiastically inviting us and organising it all in front of Dd, actively asking Dd etc and then me committing and then her backing out and my curiosity as to *Why she does this

Hope that has finally summed up what my post is about and makes sense to you

@HazelTiger What on earth are you on about?
What is weird????

Yes, I say it back casually out of politeness,

I don’t understand your posts at all, are you just on the wind up for some odd reason?

@HazelTiger give it a rest. It’s tedious.

Yes, I think it'd be a good idea to text or call her about this now to sort it out so she doesn't mention anything in front of your daughter the next time you meet.

Who knows what's going on in this woman's life, we could all guess, and we could all be wrong in our guesses. Whatever the reason, it's your little girl who's being upset by this, and of course it's frustrating for you too because your time is being wasted.

If you both agree a future playdate at her house I'd text her to confirm about 1-2 days beforehand rather than the morning of the playdate. That way, she can confirm or cancel, and if she cancels, at least you can make other plans for the day the playdate was arranged. If she doesn't respond to your text in a timely manner, I'd follow up with a polite text that you'd like to know so that you can make other arrangements for the day if she can't go ahead with the planned playdate. It's polite but you're letting her know that your time and your daughter's feelings matter.

I remember this from before. Please stop listening to this ‘fake’ person. If she mentions another play date in front of your daughter nip it in the bud straight away.

i would ignore her until she apologises. Your DD can make other friends hopefully.