Why does this mum keep doing this?!

[Allthesesayingsidontunderstand]

Mum from school, my dd adores her dd and vice versa. Live very close by, she’s said about three/four times previously for my dd to come to play at their house. She initiates this, very enthusiastically, says the day time loosely, in the past she’d say she’d text, never did, ok, bit annoying, but not too bad, Dd bit disappointed.
They dropped by to our house the other day, kids played for a bit. Mum made invite for later on today at set time, went on and on about it, she told all the girls, got them all excited, she said to text.
I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply 🤷🏻‍♀️
Told dd now it’s not happening, but maybe another day and we’ve made plans to go to a Christmas village later. Dd very disappointed thos time.
Why do she do this? What is the point, my friends and I only cancel if def need to. The thing I dont get is why be the one to initiate it so enthusiastically each time? She’s not being orompted to, I don’t do that.
She’s extremely outgoing and confident and lives in a beautiful house, so no issues with shyness or worrying about her house etc
I just find the big song and dance about it all a bit weird now with no follow through and I feel saf for dd now,

It’s easy to see when someone was last online, good chance OP was just checking the message thread to make sure she’d actually sent the text, or to see if it had been read. Which I would do if I hadn’t heard back about a plan my DD was excited for

Is she posh, like public school educated lives on another planet posh? Maybe upper middle class and beyond...

My experience is that middle class/ working class people make arrangements they intend to keep. Super posh people do a lot of "mwah, mwah, we must meet up" type bullshit and no one actually means it. It actually just means, "nice to have seen you, hope to see you again soon" (or something similar, maybe a posh person who does this can enlighten us!) in a general way rather than being an actual arrangement.

Yes to this.

You need to call this flakey woman's bluff.

You should also encourage your child to make other friends.

Some people are just flaky for reasons only known to themselves. Next time she suggests something I would just say, “that’s great, let me know by text what time etc” but in reality don’t expect it to happen so don’t make time for it and definitely don’t mention it to your dd. If you can ask her why she does it, even better, but this would be what I would do😊

Yes I think I'd pop round and knock on the door. Maybe she's a bit forgetful and flaky. Like myself lol. Ah no she is naughty to get the girls all excited. I'd call round and next time make a plan there and the. And say ok we will come round at 4 pm on Thurs see y the . Cut out the texting.

In all kindness, I really can't understand this.

It’s an attention thing. .wants the attention of people flocking around her . No care for the mums or their disappointed kids .
Oh look at me loads of play dates lined up and coffee dates.

I’ve had this before I learned they are talking rubbish and just say yeah sure ok .
Leave it at that don’t engage further. .
Sorry we are busy is another answer. .

@Notdrowningbutmightbe Not at all, she is very intense and full on, i’m fairly quiet and find it a lot but commit for Dds sake, i’d rather just chill at home or do play dates with just our friends in all honestly. It does annoy me now for dds sake though and I prefer not to have plans changed.
I’m just more curious now if there’s some other reason to not go to her house, her dh is very quiet, complete opposites to the extreme, maybe there’s more to it

By texting beforehand you’re giving her opportunity to cancel. Next time you agree a date and time with her just turn up at the time agreed. If she decides to cancel she’ll text you.

Has your dd got another friend she can invite over to yours to play? Maybe the invitation will be reciprocated by a less flaky mum.

@Sia8899 Exactly, wanted to know my plans for the day and to not wait around for someone else, to reply half an hour before is pretty rude too

Yeah next time just turn up at the agreed time OP.

@Allthesesayingsidontunderstand A good friend of mine started doing this. Who knows why they do it, but you need to put a stop to it. Next time she invites you over decline and suggest a different time at yours instead. Keep the friendship going but don't play along with this weirdness.

Sorry, no - this is just you being flaky!

Relative: "please can you pick me up from the station at 4pm on Saturday?" You: "no sorry, I can't - little Janet is coming round to play with Molly that afternoon, so you'll have to order a taxi or get Jim to collect you".

DH: "Don't forget you said you'd paint the hallway this afternoon". You: "Oh sorry, must have forgotten, I can't do that as Janet is coming round to play with Molly, so it will have to wait". Or even, "Oh damn, Janet is coming round to play with Molly - OK, you take them out to soft play while I get the painting done".

It's not hard!

Dd has lots of other friends and neighbours on the street she plays with too, so she’s ok in that respect, just they all really like each other and get so excited. The mum was even saying to them they could do a sleepover in the holidays, so weird

Don’t do this, you will just feel horrified when she says oh sorry can’t do today. And turns you away. And it will be worse for your child.

i would say something though, if she does it again. Something like it upsets my daughter when it’s cancelled, so maybe text me to sort something out next time and not get the kids excited.

@Onceachunkymonkey Yes, I thought the same, Dd would be extra upset and i’d be a bit embarrassed having to just go home.

Also, in her text 30 minutes before, her reason was she had to go and pick up club uniforms for the girls a 45 minute drive away, covering all bases for us not to come

Be brutally honest and if she asks again say "I'm sorry,no. My daughter is always upset when you keep cancelling".

I'd send a thumbs up and then decline every single invite from here on.

Is she embarrassed about her house?

You don’t stay for the play do you?

Just invite her kids to yours

She has been extremely rude to do this to you twice. Don't let it happen again and keep your distance from her.
Look around and find nice people to spend your time with. It's a shame for the kids but playdates just aren't going to happen at hers and she will continue to make you feel wrong footed and will waste your time.

Any chance her partner/husband forbids her from having anyone round? Sometimes he allows it, other times he doesn't but he likes to keep her guessing, so she has to cancel you when she's hoped that THIS time he will allow it? And that's why she's 'off' with you - she's embarrassed.

Why don’t you just pick up the phone and ring her to say- I’m about to Get DD changed to bring her over - is it still on?
get straight to the point into wasting your previous time and emotional energy

Sorry haven’t read the full thread but how old are the children?

I'd say at the time "only if your absolutely sure as I know your busy and plans change" don't be grateful or gushing in your reply. Tell your dd right there and then 'if they aren't busy on the day" then text her on the day saying are you still up for X as planned? I'm going out in a hour so let me know or I need to do y if I don't hear back.

My friend did this to me. Then let me and the kids down onnthe day. I just say I look gorward to it but I never tell the kids anymore. I think there was an element of maybe expecting me to be grateful and gushing how wonderful it would be. I'm more whatever but belive it when I see it now. Seems to work.

Also had dd friends mum to do. Invited to dds party, said yes in person, yes via text then blanked me when I sent date and time. Never spoken since. Eats it all about? Not sure but I'm not asking again as not sure how I feel about a child round who's mum doesn't reply to my texts.