Why does this mum keep doing this?!

[Allthesesayingsidontunderstand]

Mum from school, my dd adores her dd and vice versa. Live very close by, she’s said about three/four times previously for my dd to come to play at their house. She initiates this, very enthusiastically, says the day time loosely, in the past she’d say she’d text, never did, ok, bit annoying, but not too bad, Dd bit disappointed.
They dropped by to our house the other day, kids played for a bit. Mum made invite for later on today at set time, went on and on about it, she told all the girls, got them all excited, she said to text.
I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply 🤷🏻‍♀️
Told dd now it’s not happening, but maybe another day and we’ve made plans to go to a Christmas village later. Dd very disappointed thos time.
Why do she do this? What is the point, my friends and I only cancel if def need to. The thing I dont get is why be the one to initiate it so enthusiastically each time? She’s not being orompted to, I don’t do that.
She’s extremely outgoing and confident and lives in a beautiful house, so no issues with shyness or worrying about her house etc
I just find the big song and dance about it all a bit weird now with no follow through and I feel saf for dd now,

Not at all elated to chider. I ha a fiend whom a matt through our children, we have known each other for years. When the children were older we would spend time together occasionally without them, go for lunches.
She would occasionally send me messages saying how much she missed me and really wanted to meet up. I would always reply and say that I would love that and gave her the space to give me a date that suited. I never got a date back. Then there would be a few months of radio silence then another message saying the same thing, asking to meet and and how much she missed me.

Some people make all the noise but don't follow through, for whatever reason.

it's all very odd.

This. She didn't cancel. You decided not to go. Of course she's grumpy with you afterwards

Haha!
The range of replies show how people understand different things from conversations and why people can get cross with each other and relationships break down.

Some people see this person as flakey and letting OP down. Others think no definite arrangements were made. Some think OP is over communicating on what has already been agreed rather than just turning up. Some think OP has let the friend down by not turning up.

People communicate in different ways and people often make assumptions based on things that haven’t been said. Yeah, people are flakey but often poor communication and misunderstandings play a big role. Some people cope with flexible or unclear arrangements and others don’t.

Lots assume their interpretation of events must be right nd struggle to see how things might be perceived differently.

Maybe she is actually a bit shy and socially awkward – but really wants to present herself as confident and sociable.

It's the sort of thing I'd have done when I was younger – make a big hoohah about being so excited to meet up, yeah can't wait, gonna be so fun... and then realise, on the day, that I don't actually want to.

You can't figure it out so just say you're busy next time, and avoid putting your DD in the position of being disappointed.

She cancelled 30 minutes before the time. She had to drive to pick up club uniforms 45 minutes away..,

Feel your pain, used to have a friend like this - think she just liked the drama. No advice, it didn’t work out well, ghosted me completely in the end.

@SleepingStandingUp Eh?

I’m sure her girls will be as disappointed as yours but I really wouldn’t make any more plans with her.

In my experience, women (I don’t know any men who do this, just personal circumstance I’m not saying men don’t) who do this are women who aren’t in control of/can’t be in control of their home lives because (1) they have demanding husbands who expect their wives to be at their beck and call at all times (2) they can’t say no to their children (3) they have a substance abuse problem, most likely alcohol.

I don’t know why people are inventing excuses. She’s probably just a flake and/or had a better offer.

Flaky friends are the pits. Who cares what the reason behind it is when the result is that your dd keeps being disappointed. I would avoid this mum and just let the kids play at school.

If the mum messages you about meeting up then say dd has been disappointed the last couple of times so you don't want to make any plans unless they are definite.

…and yet she cancelled.

Next time she brings it up another potential playdate in front of the kids, shut the conversation down with a polite but firm "Let's not discuss this now because [name of your daughter] gets disappointed when it falls through. Text me if you want to arrange something." Then keep repeating.

I used to have a friend (DD friends mum) who would text to see if we were available for a play date later on the same day. I would rely 'yes'. Then would hear nothing back. This happened many times. I then realised there was never a 'Hi DaphneDahlia' at the beginning of the text. It appeared that on days she was at a loose end, she would text several people to ask if they would like a play date, then she would pick and choose who to meet depending on who replied. Other times she would turn up an hour late for play dates and once did not turn up at all. It really upset and my DD and me at the time. I eventually realised that we deserved better than that and stopped committing to play dates. The girls were able to see each others in school

@tuvamoodyson Exactly 😂

We had a mum like this. Eventually we named her 'cancelling Carrie'.

I stopped being at her beck and call after she failed to turn up to a catered birthday party about 6 years ago. Our girls are now grown up and have nothing in common. I think she was a player. I don't miss her at all but I wouldn't let this mum upset your child.
I would say 'is this a definite date as DD gets upset?' if she gets defensive she's a user.

@HazelTiger What?

Don’t come on the thread if you’re not interested…move on, no need to be so rude

Next time she asks, say no thank you, she gets too upset when you cancel.

You say she’s got this big house and yet she’s okay popping round to see you. How do you know? Behind your back? She isn’t like thinking less of you as a person if she obviously doesn’t want you round her house with the children.
It’s obvious this is blatantly obvious that she doesn’t mean anything when she is inviting you I think she’s just doing it out of politeness . unless you go knocking on the door next time she invites you and to see her face be shocked trying to come up with an excuse. Don’t text her first to pre warn her . you say it would be really bad because your child would be upset. I actually say it’s a good life lesson to teach your children that people lie sometimes and maybe that’s a good thing for children to understand.

I wouldn't just turn up at her house because if she makes an excuse at the door and doesn't let you in or if she does not answer the door then your child may feel rejected. Take control and don't entertain her nonsense. Be polite but never commit to play dates