Why does this mum keep doing this?!

[Allthesesayingsidontunderstand]

Mum from school, my dd adores her dd and vice versa. Live very close by, she’s said about three/four times previously for my dd to come to play at their house. She initiates this, very enthusiastically, says the day time loosely, in the past she’d say she’d text, never did, ok, bit annoying, but not too bad, Dd bit disappointed.
They dropped by to our house the other day, kids played for a bit. Mum made invite for later on today at set time, went on and on about it, she told all the girls, got them all excited, she said to text.
I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply 🤷🏻‍♀️
Told dd now it’s not happening, but maybe another day and we’ve made plans to go to a Christmas village later. Dd very disappointed thos time.
Why do she do this? What is the point, my friends and I only cancel if def need to. The thing I dont get is why be the one to initiate it so enthusiastically each time? She’s not being orompted to, I don’t do that.
She’s extremely outgoing and confident and lives in a beautiful house, so no issues with shyness or worrying about her house etc
I just find the big song and dance about it all a bit weird now with no follow through and I feel saf for dd now,

You need to confront her in some way and get it sorted properly instead of just complaining about it.

@Workingclasslass Behind my back? Not sure what you mean 🙈

Well, maybe she goes back to her property and says to her husband and children that she doesn’t want you over there because you’re not that type of people you don’t know I’m not saying she does but it just seems to be strange how she’s prepared to come to yours, but she doesn’t want you to come to hers

You are basically putting your child at the bottom of your priority list, after everyone and everything else - why is that?

@Workingclasslass I don’t think so, i’m just an average person, been to their bday parties etc, she’s not a snob and there’s no reason for her to look down on me

@HazelTiger Once, why?

This!

I think I’d have replied to her saying it was very unfair to keep inviting your child and then letting her down, and that you’d rather she didn’t issue anymore invitations in front of the girls. I know she’ll probably take offence, but so what. She’s not exactly looking like friend material, is she?!

Sounds like unmedicated ADHD

@HazelTiger Only if she’s said it first, then i’ll say you must come to ours too. Tbh, dd, although she loves these girls, she has lots of pals on the street round to play and has a good friendship group with my friends kids and plays with these girls at school, so it’s been fine. The mum has always initiated and very over the top and ive been happy to go if it went ahead and they come to ours, but it’s always been this weird situation I seem to get into, will just keep my distance

@PippaSews Do you think so? So you think she just literally forgets?

If you are planning to keep your distance anyway I'd text to say, we love spending time with you and DD gets really excited to see your girls. Would it be ok not to mention or plan playdates in front of her any more as she gets really excited and then disappointed if they don't happen and it's happened a few times now

I've been in a similar situation and felt very disappointed and let down.

I think the important questions here are:

1. How are you going to respond next time she suggests a play date?
2. What have you told your girl to help her deal with her disappointment?

I think dealing with these issues is more important than speculating as to why this woman is behaving this way

@HazelTiger What are you on about?

YY Wombat I think you are very perceptive - I did recognise this:

these people who suggest getting together and suggest a possible date which will need confirming…..they are everywhere. In their minds they haven’t made an arrangement and just live in this vague kind of way.

That was definitely me!! Once I realised how crap I am with dates and times (it is literally part of ADHD - it's been studied and called "time blindness") I started keeping a calendar and now everything goes in the calendar, because I know if it doesn't then it probably won't happen because I'll forget, double book, mistake it for the wrong Tuesday etc. I see it now in friends who are either diagnosed or undiagnosed but they have so many traits they might as well be the illustration in the textbook.

I think you meant the people are everywhere (ie, a lot of people are like this) but I definitely read it like "these people are all over the place" which, um, yes 😅

Discombobble

You are basically putting your child at the bottom of your priority list, after everyone and everything else - why is that?

Tillow4ever

Feelinadequate23

Because mil is in the gp or hospital regularly with spinal issues, our neighbour is alone with no car, I work sometimes in a small shop that doesn’t have back up staff wise and dh works 2 hours away. Also I’ve 4 kids, 2 sick fairly regularly. We make up for it with play dates whenever the hell we can but on any given day if the kids ask can someone come over I’m hoping I can accommodate them but life gets in the way. The people who wonder why everything doesn’t always run the way it’s supposed to with people are so lucky.

ps think before you post please, I crawl through life to make sure none of my kids feel they aren’t getting everything other children get. I am exhausted and possibly mid break up but my juggling is nothing compared to other people I know

Impulsive
Forgets
Over commits (at the time truly intends to follow through)
Signs of possible executive dysfunction

Then the people pleasing/ guilt and shame spiral kicks in, and she struggles to communicate that she needs to cancel the play-date

Not that armchair diagnoses are a good idea.

If you want to facilitate playdates with her kids, you could try meeting her where she's at - not planning things in advance, and trying more impromptu/immediate suggestions aka at school pick up (yes it's annoying for people who prefer to plan in advance/to make a wasted trip as your dd goes off elsewhere).
Alternatives could include having a fun back up for your dd for when plans fall through. Or all the kids joining a club (organised sports, scouts/guides, kids crafts) so your dd has a chance to socialise with them, but if they don't show, it's not a complete disappointment.

There are many people that do this and yes it is bewildering.

The worst was when I had just had a baby that was six weeks old and my older daughter had just started school. One of the Mums made a big thing of having a playdate at her house so I could have some alone time with my baby. This was over a year ago and it has yet to materalise. I personally could never say such things in front of children if I didn't mean it and certainly not to someone that had recently just given birth.

I know people who continously cancel or ignore messages at the last minute, and they all have mental health issues. Don't take it personally.

My mum would have potentially seemed like this to others when I was growing up. She was very well meaning but disorganised and often ended up having to drop things at the last minute because of clashes or something that desperately needed doing. But this was pre-mobiles so I guess the friend would have just turned up anyway.