Why does this mum keep doing this?!

[Allthesesayingsidontunderstand]

Mum from school, my dd adores her dd and vice versa. Live very close by, she’s said about three/four times previously for my dd to come to play at their house. She initiates this, very enthusiastically, says the day time loosely, in the past she’d say she’d text, never did, ok, bit annoying, but not too bad, Dd bit disappointed.
They dropped by to our house the other day, kids played for a bit. Mum made invite for later on today at set time, went on and on about it, she told all the girls, got them all excited, she said to text.
I planned my day around it, sent a quick text this morning to check it was still ok at X oclock, she’s seen it-no reply 🤷🏻‍♀️
Told dd now it’s not happening, but maybe another day and we’ve made plans to go to a Christmas village later. Dd very disappointed thos time.
Why do she do this? What is the point, my friends and I only cancel if def need to. The thing I dont get is why be the one to initiate it so enthusiastically each time? She’s not being orompted to, I don’t do that.
She’s extremely outgoing and confident and lives in a beautiful house, so no issues with shyness or worrying about her house etc
I just find the big song and dance about it all a bit weird now with no follow through and I feel saf for dd now,

Is she trying to get some childcare out of you? Maybe thinking if she cancels, you’ll offer to have the girls at yours? Or does she not want you to come and just wants a drop and run so she can get on with life and not have to entertain you, but cancels when you don’t take the hint and she feels to awkward to say, I don’t want you, just your dd to entertain mine while I read a book?

@WombatChocolate I don’t think so 🤔
Last time was the holidays and she said in the last couple of days as they’d be back from
holiday by then but that she’d text just before, she never did.
This time was more definite, Fri at 4, I said we should be able to and she said to text before so I did

The three main things I can think it might be are:

1). Possible neurodivergence
2). Issues with husband
3). Doesn’t really like me, so when it comes down to it, doesn’t actually want to go through with it

I've had this OP. I'm not a very social person- I'm actually painfully shy, but I made an effort since she was the one who started to chat with me and my DS is good friends with hers. She kept wanting to meet up and I was interested too as we had quite a bit in common.

I stopped bothering and replying after the third time she bailed (or just didnt show up). I cannot be bothered with faffing around.

I honestly would just say you're busy next time she suggests to meet up.

I'd stop worrying about why she does this - and work out how to stop it so your child isn't constantly disappointed.

Even is she had good intentions - it's you and your child being put out by the behavior - just say no - we'll get back to you or can we meet a x instead.

I knew a woman like this at school. Really involved in the school community, confident, designer clothes and all that. The type to come up and talk to you but be looking over your head the whole time, then interrupt you mid-sentence to say 'oh sorry I have to go, I need to chat to (whoever)!'

Anyway I got annoyed and stopped responding, would just smile and move my kids away whenever she started mentioning it.

It did seem weird and slightly offensive...because if you don't want to do it, why keep mentioning it

I'm sorry but this is flaky. You are choosing all of those other things (going to collect someone, etc) over a commitment you made to your child. You are basically telling your child that all those other people are far more important than them. Is that true? If it isn't, is that what you want them to think?

If you regularly say a date then get told by your DH you already have plans, start checking your calendar BEFORE you book a play date.

If work is cropping up, how is that affecting a play date? If you're working from home, presumably you already were or you wouldn't have arranged it for then, just ask the kids to keep the noise down. If you weren't supposed to be working, why are you agreeing to all this extra so often it's a regular excuse to cancel a play date? If you were supposed to be in the office, why did you arrange it for then?

The only time it wouldn't be flakey is in a genuine emergency - eg you, your DH or one of your children is taken to hospital, or you're genuinely too sick to host. Or maybe it would be ok if your house burnt down! But seriously though - stop telling yourself it's out of your control and it's not flakiness - you are flakey and you are making choices. Someone asks you for a lift? Sorry, I can't today we have plans. I presume if you were working or doing something you wanted you'd tell them no?

Show your child they are important to you. If you've done this a lot, it's going to take some work to get that trust back. Please do it before it's lost forever.

Okay, so first time wasn’t a definite arrangement…more that she’d try to get in touch at end of hols. To be honest, I have conversations like this with lots of people that never materialise into anything. No definite arrangement.

And today….sounded very likely, but wasn’t definite as it needed to be confirmed on day. Yes, annoying she hasn’t got back to you, but I’d still say there was no definite arrangement.

If you want to make definite arrangements, then make that clear. Say ‘Can we agree a definite time and date, as it makes it easier for DC’.

I’d never mention anything to DC until it was a definite arrangement. In my experience, lots of things are mooted that don’t come off and kids will always find that hard…so I’ve found it best to only tell them when something’s definite and not too far in advance.

I do wonder if you have got crossed wires. She thinks she’s vaguely mentioning possible arrangements (which lots of people do and don’t follow through on) whilst you think there’s a plan and she’s letting you down.

If I have vague plans with anyone who might forget, I’d message the day before to confirm, wording it as I’m looking forward to seeing them. Or if it was just a possibility, I’d message a couple of days before to see if they could still do it….people are busy and often have a lot on. I wouldn’t tell the kids and I wouldn’t leave messaging until the day, if I wasn’t happy with it maybe not happening.

I completely agree with you here, I think one of these and I'm leaning towards issues with husband.

In any case, really I don't think it matters other than to your daughter. So I'd say to your daughter- I've noticed she keeps asking us, but then cancels later on. Ask your daughter if she's noticed. Ask her how she feels about it. Then say, I don't know really why she's doing it but people always have things going on behind the scenes. Your friend seems to like you so I don't think it's that. Let's just give this family the benefit of the doubt but assume any playdates at their house may not happen. Then I'd encourage playdates at ours anyway.
Basically, be kind, but acknowledge what's going on with your own child.

Could be ADHD.

@WombatChocolate No, she’s done this maybe four times, always the same, v enthusiastic, says it in front of kids, asks my dd, who of course responds excitedly, initiates the whole thing…def not a casual ‘Let’s get together in the holidays’ Dd counts down often and is disappointed

Don't be offended OP and please don't take this personally . Their behaviour really has nothing to do with you. I am sure they have good intentions but for reasons only known or even unknown to them they are not able to follow through.

Every one has flaws. I think it has to do with being very shy/low self esteem and trying to overcome it. The fact they are wealthy or posh is beside the fact that they act this way.
It is annoying behaviour though and will cause them willingly or unwillingly to isolate themselves. This may be an unconscious behaviour because of a controlling family situation.

I would have a chat with your DD, something along the lines of "I've noticed X's mummy often mentions having us over for a playdate but so far we've not been able to make it happen. Lets try not to get too excited in future, if it happens then it'll be super fun but then we won't be disappointed if it doesn't happen"

And just remind her of this every time the other mother mentions playdates in front of her to manage expectations.

@dairydebris Yes, I noticed the difference in her at school plays etc when she’s with dh, she definitely doesn’t look anxious or anything like that, but she’s like a much more restrained version of herself. Usually at pick up, she’s v friendly, loud, chatty with everyone, going up to different groups of people. At a small event at school with tables of food, she just stood with him and both didn’t really speak to anyone, I was pretty gobsmacked as she seemed so different. She’s an intense, dominant character though, very opinionated, sometimes I think ‘Wow, you just said that’ 🙈It seems such an odd pairing

Okay, has she set actual definite times and dates, which haven’t required a later confirmation?

If so, and then she bails by cancelling last minute then that is very annoying.

But these people who suggest getting together and suggest a possible date which will need confirming…..they are everywhere. In their minds they haven’t made an arrangement and just live in this vague kind of way. Loads of people are like it unfortunately.

You do learn who are your friends in the sense of who you can make arrangements with and rely on for it to come to fruition….and who are the people that make lots of sweeping statements and have grand plans that never come off. But that’s hard for children to know the difference between. If you can’t soend time without her speaking to your DC and offering stuff that won’t ever materialise and cause disappointment, I’d stop seeing her. Or if your DC is old enough to understand some people are like this,I’d try to explain.

Sorry OP. Hope you’ve got some reliable friends so you and DC can go to stuff that will definitely happen. Some people are flakey for all kinds of reasons and cancel. Others don’t cancel because they never actually make any definite arrangements.

Perhaps the only time she really gets to be herself is when her oh isn't there. God knows. I think it's possible she's going through something with her husband. I wouldn't just show up ever, and I'd be kind and err on the side of compassion.
I'd just make sure your daughter doesn't think it's her at fault. And I'd have her friend round and not badmouth anyone. Who knows what's going on?

Could be a difficulty with planning and follow through e.g. caused by ADHD.

I can do this a bit - more so before I was on medication and more aware of it. The thing is I do genuinely want to have the other person over, which is why I'd be enthusiastic about it but then I didn't really know what all the steps were to making that happen, I would just sort of throw ideas into the world and then wait and see if other people make them happen. Surprisingly a lot of the time that does actually work (though I am a bit embarrassed now I've realised it's what I was doing!) but sometimes it doesn't, especially if the other person is a bit shy or anxious about intruding.

Or I'd know what needed to be done, but I wouldn't do them in the right order or leave the right amount of time between them and then I'd feel embarrassed and anxious about it so it would be hard to even open the text from the other person, let alone read it and reply. It's so stupid and self defeating and I can see this but that doesn't make it magically go away.

There have also been times where I wanted to have people over but have been embarrassed about the state of the house and thought I could get it sorted but could never quite get my act together to do that. That's better managed in the first place now so I don't have that issue any more.

Or sometimes it's about coordinating responses between what I've said to the friend and what I need to ask of DH (e.g. can you drive us here, is it ok for someone to join our plans at the weekend, etc). DH isn't controlling but I do still have this anxiety around intruding on his weekend etc - whether that's just me or whether it's because I've been in a controlling relationship in the past I don't know.

I think she rather enjoys the sense of power in keeping you dangling. I simply wouldn't agree to any more visits, there's just no point.

She’s flakey AF and self absorbed. Spouts word salad when you see her to make all the right noises then completely forgets with no fucks given.
this type of person puts no value on reliable loyal friends.
Don’t depend on her for anything - you’re setting yourself up for constant disappointment

BertieBotts explains what I think is going on in lots of people’s minds. They are just a little bit chaotic but very well-meaning.

Some people didn’t think they are letting others down, as they don’t think they’ve made definite plans. Others find they make plans and can’t stick to them, like BertieBotts. It can be a variety of reasons. Some are just very selfish and unreliable, but as suspect most people aren’t like this.

And some people are more able to live with possible and uncertain arrangements than others. I have an autistic friend who is great and a I have to be extremely clear about any arrangements and everything must be planned well in advance and no deviation. That’s fine. I have other friends who I know are a bit chaotic and who might say they will do something and then forget or double book or whatever. As a I know they’re like this, I factor it in. If I was relying purely on them for social activities, it would become pretty annoying, but I have other people to see too.

Indont have little childten now, and probably know more people than I can sensibly keep in touch with properly. I cut more slack to really old friends and I’d like to think I give newer friends some slack too, but I find life is too short to be too focused on people who are regularly unreliable, so those kind of people often fall by the wayside. It’s a shame and I’m actually willing to make more than 50% of the effort, but friendships do need to be 2-way.

Usually a text is just 'let us know when your setting off/will arrive'.

Surely since it was planned and she hasn't cancelled its already been confirmed and you just keep no showing.

Either she's a really flakey, chaotic person that wants to do the "thing" but somehow never manages.

Or her husband is the issue , either not allowing friends over, or starting arguments just before , that kind of stuff. It's possible she's trying to arrange it when he's supposed to be gone but he changes his plans , hence the last minute cancellations and her requests to confirm first every single time.

One of my friends did that a few times , she broke down and confessed her husband started a huge fight every single time and she was too embarrassed to have us come over due to the atmosphere in the house /his behaviour. He even refused to come downstairs for his daughter's birthday once because she had the "nerve" to go through with it despite the usual argument the night before.

I remember your last thread.

We can't tell you. You are going to have to ask her.

I’m going to sound awful here but people checking in on arrangements really annoys me. I have been known to ghost people who seem overly anxious about firming up plans. I’m not sure why it’s a trigger for me but it is 🙈 I just think if we’ve agreed a time then of course I’ll be there, no need to micromanage me!! Also I have a job where I can’t reply so messages build up & stress me out.

But she’s such a strong woman, i’d find it hard to believe she’s controlled by him etc

Oh this is getting ridiculous now.

I know you've given every 'reason' under the sun including her 'multi million pound house' etc, for her not to have a problem wit a playdate, but the above quote is not only stupidly ignorant, it's also offensive.

Just give it up OP and tell her a straight out 'no' next time.