To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

Oh, but l did...

Also I don’t understand coldness towards a “ random child.” Children can be needy even if not related and having no background story with them helps to view them from that standpoint.

Having known people who had half siblings who moved into their home while they were kicked out into temporary accommodation, taken out of their schools while the half siblings were sent to expensive independents, excluded from holidays and generally a visitor in their dad’s home who saw them occasionally, I would never try to shame them into caring for those half siblings on the basis of a few strands of dna.

the fact the father assumed his adult daughter would be the one to look out for his young children by second marriage without any prior discussion is the outrageous part of this.

If @PortaSix's father just assumes she will look after his second family of three young children without so much as discussing it with her - despite being a poor father to OP - then it seems to me he will just assume she will look after him and step-mother when they get older and need care. As with the assumption she'll just take on his second family, this is absolutely outrageous. OP has her own life and her own family to look after, and her father wasn't much of a father and deserves no special consideration for his unwise choices.

Having said that, what about relatives on the stepmother's side - where are they when child care is needed?

It takes way more than shared DNA to make a family. OP sees her father and his two (currently) children once or twice a year - they're barely family at all in any meaningful sense. I have no doubt that OP has friends she has more emotional ties to than her father and his family. Of course you're entitled to your overly-sentimental "blood is thicker than water" view of life, but we don't all have to share it.

Assuming they will live possibly another 20 years the 3 year old will be old enough to look after itself, are you even sure the pair are pregnant? Say very loudly to all family members that you are not going to be their surrogate mother. That they are being Unreasonable having more children(if they are)

Those poor children. I'm sorry but whatever your circumstances, I think it is deeply selfish to refuse to care for bereaved children.
I can't imagine this happening in my family.

He was a shit father to her.

Hilarious 😆 you better suck it up if you wanted to be included in his inheritance

They are in their 50s, it's highly unlikely both will pass away but it was stupid if him to assume you will want to bring up another family.

ROFL sooo you find it fine to let a parentless kid that you don't know stay unparented and unloved, but not if they happen to share half your DNA from a father who's not much cop?

And you decide one is selfish and the other not?

She's been told she's not going to inherit much at all.

The OP's father and his wife could nominate friends of his that live near them and actually see their children regularly and would be willing to be guardians instead of dumping his poor children on the OP when they will hardly know her. Being a guardian is a years long commitment, it isn't something you just assume will be taken on by anyone, even if they are a step-sibling or other close relation. An assumption like that is totally irresponsible.

My SIL and her husband never wanted DC so of course DH and I wouldn't name them as guardians for our DC, it would be unfair to everyone. Instead we named friends who lived near us, had a similar parenting style, and, most importantly, were willing to take on the responsibility.

I doubt the OP would be happy about the children going into care.

She's just not prepared to sacrifice her own needs, desires and standard of living to care for children that aren't her own. As she has stated that she intentionally had children at a relatively young age to avoid having dependents when she is older, this is something she has long felt and made plans/choices around.

That's correct, but I think the OP knows she isn't obligated to actually take the children in, should such a thing be necessary. What she's angry about is that her father didn't ask her permission first before mentally designating her the care-giver in this hypothetical scenario.

If you'd like someone to potentially do something for you - especially something as onerous as raising their child - then it's surely simply a matter of respect to ask them and get their own feelings about it before effectively making your mind up about the matter.

I think it's deeply unfair to expect it without so much as a discussion and in the full knowledge that the OP's father was - and is! - a pretty poor parent to her!

A few people have stated that they have chosen not to have children of their own. I myself have no children. Why should people who are not mothers themselves be expected to have a maternal instinct? It's not something that every woman has.

I suspect this was a spur of the moment nervous joke type thing. He probably does feel some insecurity and guilt about his age, and was put on the spot by the question.

It doesn't actually matter what his intentions are, what he stipulates in his will, whether you are appointed guardian "in the event of" or even what you agree to in advance - you can refuse the responsibility of children that aren't yours, no questions asked if it came to it. What's more, being dead, your father would never know.

So to be honest, I wouldn't let this take up any more of your thoughts and I certainly wouldn't enter into a confrontation about it. There is literally nothing to be achieved. Your response was perfect tbh.

Well big ups to you - everyone does not feel the same. I presume that you aren't in this position, because you might not be so blithe about taking on the responsibility of three young children if it did arise!!

Everyone has their own particular set of circumstances - I mean where do you even fit three children into your house along with your own two, unless you have a huge house??

If you work FT, would you be able to continue? How would you fit 5 kids into your family-sized car? Would there be financial provision to cover the expenses? What about the emotional side of it, the practical? One child maybe, but fuck me, THREE?

I think you are extremely unrealistic. Life isn't all butterflies and rainbows and the trite, "I wouldn't hesitate", suggests to me someone not that well equipped for such a responsibility, because you don't have the capacity to think through the permutations.

Ooh, that's put us all in our place for sure. How very dare women not feel maternal towards every single child on the planet. What kind of unnatural harridans must we be? Quick, girls, into a circle and let's get the mea culpas going...

@Lyraloo I don't think the OP has said that she "wants nothing to do with" her half-siblings if both parents were to die. She has simply stated that she doesn't want to take them in and become their full-time parent.

Should both parents die, the OP could easily remain in the lives of the children without taking the massive step of bring them into her home and raising them.

Thanks for your very wrong assumptions about me. I was once in a position whereby my sister could have left her three young boys as orphans. When she was ill, I did for a while take them in and would have kept them if the worst had happened. No it wasn’t easy, I went from having one nearly grown child to four children, three of them under 10. But we managed and would have continued to do so. So maybe wind your neck in before you comment about other people’s aptitude or capacity to think. Maybe it’s you that doesn’t have the capacity to understand that some people, can an do, put others first!

I think that @adriftinadenofvipers does understand that some people have the capacity to raise other people's children and are happy and willing to do so.

The fact that you took in your nephews and would have raised them entirely if necessary, is wonderful. The issue is that you seem to expect that everyone else must make the same choice as you.

Can you not respect the fact that people are different and that some people have no desire to raise other people's children? Some people don't even desire to raise children of their own, hence deciding not to have any.

You have come across as being critical of the OP for her intention to refuse to raise her father's additional children should anything happen to the parents. The OP has understandable reasons for not wishing to undertake this responsibility. If you accepted that this was a valid choice, there would be no problem. But you appear to think that OP's decision somehow makes her a lesser kinder, moral person than you are.

There is also a point that I think should be considered.

Sometimes (not necessarily always) being raised by a person who is doing so unwillingly can actually be harmful to the child, if they are aware or pick up on the fact that they're not genuinely wanted. The adult doesn't even need to be deliberately making the child feel unwanted; sometimes it's unconsciously shown in their behaviour.

I have a friend (born in the early 1960s) whose father did not want to have children and only begrudgingly agreed to have them because his wife really wanted them. So my friend was born and then his younger brother.

From how my friend has described him, his father was pretty distant with both his sons. His Dad didn't relate to children very well and wasn't interested in them. He wasn't good at conversing with them on their level. I understand that during that period of time, it wasn't necessarily as normal as fathers to be as engaged with their children as they are nowadays, but even for that time period, his father sounds like he was unusually distant and disinterested.

I would say that both my friend and his brother are damaged, to some degree, later in their lives, because of growing up with a father that they came to realise had not really wanted them.

@Lyraloo Maybe it’s you that doesn’t have the capacity to understand that some people, can an do, put others first!

It is cold up there in the pure thin atmosphere of your self righteousness? Or does all the arrogant smugness keep you warm?

We do put others first. Every single day.
And most of us are saying hell no to taking on more children because we are doing exactly that.

Our own children and spouses.
We are putting their wellbeing, their needs and their quality of lives above that of someone from outside the family who will then deprive us financially and emotionally thus leaving less for them.