To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

I'm in my early 60s and have lots of friends in their 50s as well as the ones the same age as me. I've never known any of them to fall unexpectedly pregnant in their 50s. Maybe they just didn't tell me...

Wow they’re in their 50’s not 70’s. You talk as though it’s a given that they will die before the children are adults. In all likelihood they will live into their 70’s so the children will be adults by then. That said, don’t you feel any obligation to help look after your half siblings if they were orphaned. I know I’d have looked after my sisters without hesitation, but by the sound of most of the answers on here, that’s just me. What will happen to your children if you and your partner die?

Im going to run it by him when I speak to him next and just make sure he has actual plans in place because I don’t want that responsibility. My husband and I have plans for when our kids have left, I can’t take one any extra.

Well I don’t think they made it up ( nor did my mum) if that’s what you mean…

Maybe read the thread and you’ll know.

It's highly unlikely that you'd have to take them in... if the parents are in their 50s surely they'll only be late 60s when youngest is 18?

Honestly.. I wouldn't worry about it. There is no legal obligation for you to take the children into your home if you don't want to.

I think this is the right course op.

I'm not talking about you or your circumstances. Are you planning on having any more children? Do you have arrangements in place for the care of your child should you not be around?

I had my youngest when I was 40 so I am not exactly in a place to throw shade at older mums. I am one! I don't know how much longer I would have kept trying, though I was menopausal mid 40s so probably not long!

I'm assuming from your post that your child is your one and only, and that you don't have an adult child waiting in the wings to raise your baby should you be unable to?

The OP's father and stepmother already have 2 children. Having another in their 50s and expecting the OP to carry the can should the worst happen, is not fair.

I wouldn't have chosen to have a baby at 47, I'll be honest, but I wouldn't have chosen to have one at 40 either. Life just happens. I'm glad that you got to have you presumably much-wanted baby and I hope you live forever.

You have misinterpreted what I said. I noted anecdotally that I hadn't had any friends get pregnant in their 50s. I don't think it's that common. That doesn't mean that it doesn't happen!

If my parents had had a baby when my mother was, for talk's sake, 55, that child would have been orphaned at age 7/8.

That sounds like the best approach, @PortaSix

@JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn Unfortunately, there's a reason why your 50's and 60's are known as "sniper's alley" as they're the decades when people are at higher risk of developing serious illnesses and dying from them. Conditions such as heart disease, cancer, etc. Of course, many people don't, but your risk definitely increases. I'm very aware of this as I turned 50 this year!

Even though her Dad and SM may live into their 90's, they definitely need to have everything in place for their minor children just in case the worst happens. It happened to my Mum- she developed a chronic illness and died in her mid-60's after previously being very healthy. You just don't know.

I am speaking honestly - the fact that you yourself would take on other people's children is a wonderful thing to do and you are clearly very empathetic and kind-hearted in this regard.

But - just because YOU would choose to do this - that does not mean that you should expect other people, who either wish to remain childless, or don't want any additional children, to make the same choice as yourself.

Taking in other people's children is a wonderful, kind thing to do. But if someone chooses not to do so, that doesn't make them unkind.

My mother died from cancer just before she turned 63. My dad who was a lot older, predeceased her by 5 months.

A lot of my aunts and uncles have lived and are still living, in their 90s.

You just have to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst, and deciding that your older child is the 'beneficiary' of the children you chose to have late in life, is not fair or reasonable.

@adriftinadenofvipers Exactly. I’m sorry that you lost them both so close together. 💐

Really? I assumed it was standard practice to get a will made when you have children, so that there are plans in place if necessary.

Thanks so much @BruFord, it was very tough and so far from we grew up expecting, because of the large age gap between them. It's been 18 years and I still miss them so much x

It's really not. I think it's something that people avoid. We made a will when we bought our first house and we haven't made one since. My parents were dead by the time my eldest was 9. Intelligent me realises this is crazy. Emotional me can only see complications, of which there are a lot. I couldn't decide which of my sisters would have my kids, and DH's only sister barely knew them let alone rear them!! I was relieved when my eldest turned 18!

A general point if I may. I am a foster carer and almost all of the children we have cared for are victims of abuse or neglect by their parents. At the moment however we are caring long term for a sibling pair, both in their teens, whose parents tragically passed away. The children themselves are bright, funny, kind and a credit to the parents who raised them. On both sides of their families there are aunts and uncles and cousins, and actually four grandparents, one pair of whom are the same age as my husband and I. None of their extended family were willing or able to take the children into their homes (heart) despite then having good and close relationships with them. Hence them coming into care - and we are so happy to have them with us until adulthood. However the sadness over losing their parents is, in their minds, nothing compared to the anger and upset they feel that none of their extended family stepped up. Contact with the extended family has also ceased due to this. The feelings of being rejected by them run very deep and is probably the major concern to us. I am not sure if they will ever recover from that, but we try our best to give them the love and support they deserve and so desperately crave, as well as continual reassurance that we are lucky to have them in OUR lives. It's very sad.

Interesting. I understand that making a will can potentially be a challenging and difficult task, so I can understand why people would try to put it aside. I suppose I just presumed that most people bit the bullet after having children. But perhaps less do so than I thought.

He is our one and only extremely wanted and loved child, yes.

We've considered another. Once you've had one you consider it much more, I think, because you have some experience to inform the decision. This isn't an age thing per se. It's not decided yet, but time may make the decision for us if we consider much longer.

Agree totally that it's unfair to expect anyone to look after your child without discussion, especially your own grown up child. That's immature, which we can be at any age.

I do fully intend to live forever, so that I can look after the grandkids in 2084.

There are many, many wonderful foster carers and I have great respect for you

For all those asking why the OP is annoyed, since it's unlikely she'll end up looking after the children anyway:

The OP is annoyed because her father did not approach her and ask her if she would be happy to raise his children, should the worst happen. He just assumed - with no prior discussion - that she would do so.

At best, it's rather thoughtless not to check with her beforehand. At worst, it's disrespectful/bad manners.

They have a 10 year old already, so they both would need to have died within 8 years from now, ie, before their eldest child reaches 18. This is unlikely. They should make provisions and life insurance, so in the worse case scenario the house would at least be a safe and secure place for the children to live, tough on the eldest child, but with finance would give them some security. They should nominate a guardian who would have their children’s best interests and place securities in trust for children. As children grow, you may develop a relationship with your half siblings and want to be more involved but do make it clear that you would not be prepared to take them on as a parent. Most parents do think of worse case scenarios and ponder on guardians for their children. Most parents would not assume someone would take on their children without some discussion on the matter. But then again, so many people do not write wills. Make it clear what your feelings are so that they can make alternate decisions.

You sound a bit spoilt. Also It is fair not to care for someone elses children on their death. But chances of them both dying are low.

Why even get upset about this? if the situation actually comes to pass you can make a decision then, but if they are both dead they can't very well be mad or upset with you.