To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

totally agree.

Since the baby was an IVF, they obviously made a conscious choice to have it. If they didn't think it with consulting you about the eventuality of the child needing fostering then they have NO right to take it for granted.

I'm child-free OP and I certainly understand and agree with your position (my DH's sister and husband once asked us, when their children were young, if we would look after their kids if they died and we said no - because we've never wanted children - and they were fine with that). I think your father's and his wife's "assumption" shows just how utterly selfish and thoughtless they are. They will be in their seventies before this child is ready to fledge and they have no idea what the future holds for them health-wise - one or both of them could be a burden on this child when it's still young. YANBU - I'd have been livid too.

Absolutely THIS! I'm amazed at the number of posters not seeing this.

Thanks everyone for your advice. I am not going to speak to him yet, the more I think about everything the angrier I am getting so it’s not going to be a productive conversation. I will cool off and think about it.

Don't waste your emotion on guilt. Your much-loved son is in the here and now, and hopefully you have a long life ahead of you still. Does he have anyone in his life whom he looks up to that would be willing to be there for him?

I never intended to have a baby at 40 either but I don't feel guilty. I do feel sad that he may have parents for less time than I did, and I lost mine at 43. I'm the eldest in our family and I have 3 children who are all close to each other, so I have to trust and hope that, if I do shuffle the mortal coil in an untimely way, they will still have good support in life.

You never really stop needing that support.... 18 is so very young too!

You don't. Pay no attention.

Of course it's not "the same for everyone" but it happens!! Good for your FIL!

But hey go forth and multiply willy nilly, as old as you want, because you might live into your 90s!!

Well a PP's FIL is 94... sooooo...!!!

Two little girls in my DD's classes were motherless before they left primary school. Their mums weren't old either. One was 37, the other early 40s.

You don’t.

You do sound hurt to me - which I think is understandable - and may be a more productive angle than the “ furious” in your title to take when you explain to your father how you don’t see the request as reasonable.

People tend to view anger as a type of strength, and hurt as a somehow lesser emotion, but it’s equally valid and often anger is actually a mask for more vulnerable but just as legitimate feelings: hurt, embarrassment, fear etc. I also think dealing with the actual feeling (“ your actions have embarrassed me, your comment hurt me etc) is sometimes easier for the person being told to access how you are feeling. Anger often comes at people as a confusing wall, like a tsunami.

I couldn't agree with you more. It is outrageous, you're right.

This, "most children still need their parents once they hit their 18th birthday" is an excellent point. I currently have 3 20-somethings back at home again - they're still coming and going for various reasons! Ever hear the saying, "you're only ever as happy as your least happy child"? It's true. You don't suddenly stop supporting and loving them when they turn 18. Emotionally and often practically, you still go through all their life events with them.

Being a parent is a lifetime commitment. Let the OP be their big sister if she is content to be in that role - expecting her to become an actual bona fide mother to them, without any discussion whatsoever, and alongside being excluded from an inheritance (so just how would she finance it anyway?!), is beyond the pale!

Perhaps it's just that anger is the dominant emotion?

I mean, I think I would blow an absolute gasket if such a thing was just casually landed on me without any discussion!! But yes, hurt too, as if I was just being taken for granted, and as if I didn't matter or have any agency in my own life.

I think @PortaSix you have been remarkably restrained here, which is wise. I'm a person whose anger flares quickly but dies down quickly too and I'd probably have said something unwise. You're doing absolutely the right thing here to approach it in a calmer frame of mind.

Ridiculous emotional tosh. It is not the duty of a child to inherit the responsibility of raising their parents’ other children. It’s effectively forcing OP to become an adoptive parent!

My comment was not about that, tbh I don’t agree with people being allowed to have ivf in their late 40’s, 50’s and beyond. My post was referring to the fact these children are her half siblings and she wants nothing to do with them if anything does happen! I think that sad and awful. I wouldn’t hesitate to look after family members if they were orphaned!

Why don't you adopt an orphan then @Lyraloo? There are children crying out to have homes; finding adoptive parents for older children in particular, as these would be if they are orphaned, is very difficult.

The ties with half siblings can be complicated.

Sometimes they are blissfully happy and bonded, but that isn’t always the case and it’s not fair to frame them as “family” in a way that minimises those complications.

Wow these are young children, not grown adults. Of course they are ‘family’ they share half of her dna! What else would you all them?

Grow up! It’s very different adopting a stranger to taking in part of your family. Clearly you people that disagree are only interested in your own selfish needs and not those of young children with whom you share blood ties! Not interested in reading any more of your selfish drivel, so won’t be reply again!

Anyone taking in an orphaned child should absolutely hesitate.

far far better to be able to admit that you’re not the right person for the job (because it is a job!) than to blindly bluster in the vain hope that ‘family’ is enough to muddle through.

and I say that as someone whose grandparents should have admitted they weren’t up to the task. And also someone who is hoping they are up to the task of caring for another’s child.

Admitting you can’t, or don’t want, to do it is actually saving the child another round of upheaval when it all goes tits up.

And it’s not just 1 child it’s 3! They have a 10 & 3 yr old too! Presumably all IVF pregnancies if the embryo she’s carrying now was frozen for 10 yrs?
Their lack of foresight as 2 doctors is incredible !

I would call them half siblings - with all the complexity that often entails.

It takes more than DNA to make a family. My aunt’s children were like a big brother and sister when I was growing up. I saw my uncle’s children at a family funeral last year for the first time in 15 years; they chatted to me and were friendly, but it was superficial - there was no more connection than there would be with a former colleague you’d run into.

The level of DNA connection is exactly the same. But in terms of genuine connection, the two sets of cousins are worlds apart.

There’s a difference between a random child and your own sibling? Bit of a difference 😂 If I was put in this situation I’d be the first one to offer to take them in

Your exact words were “I cannot imagine being so cold towards another child”. I just wondered whether you were prepared to walk the walk as well as talking the talk.

Doesn't stop someone understanding or offering to help.
Like I said, some childless people would offer to help, as much as those with kids would and vice versa.

It's not a blanket decision based on kids/no kids.