To be absolutely furious with my father?

[PortaSix]

My father and is wife are both in their 50’s and are having another baby. None of my business, it’s not what I would want to do but it’s up to them.

We were at a family gathering and the subject of death came up and what would happen with our children. My dad then announced “oh I just assumed Porta would take them in”

Like, wtf?! Did he not think this was a conversation to have BEFORE having babies in old age? They have a 10 year old, a 3 year old and now another one on the way.

I’ve had my babies. I had mine in my early 20’s so that my 40 my kids will be grown. I do not want to take on any ther children. I am so mad that he just thought I would take on his children like this without any sort of discussion. Aibu?

TBH I think it was reckless of the provider not to have asked the elderly parents what the long term care plans were? You cant adopt a puppy without some hardcore discussions.

i had my only child at 40 and now feel huge guilt. And although they will be 18 soon they have disabilities and I know without a doubt that they will be parentless by the time they get to my current age and a strong possibility that even having parents in their 30s/40s is a slim chance. And our siblings are of course similar ages.

There are private organisations which provide guardianship services for a fee. The big thing is they really need to significantly increase their life insurance. Assuming the worst happens when they are older they could go to boarding school (better than foster care), and in that basis you could agree to being their guardian.

OP your father is definitely a CF if he doesn’t value enough to include you in his inheritance but sees you as being the one who would bring his kids up. It may feel unlikely but car accidents happen all the time.

blood is not thicker than water. You don’t have a relationship with these kids if you only see them 2x year.

@PortaSix obviously I don't know your circumstances but if you're child free, you will presumably have had the opportunity to live a little...possibly travel, build a career if you wanted to. OP had her kids young...so may not have had these opportunities. When they become adults that will be her time...to do her thing.

They’re in their 50s so statistically have about another 30 years left. In all likelihood chances are small they would both die before the youngest is 18.

However it’s extremely irresponsible and complete madness imo to have a baby in your fifties. Even the fact they currently have a 3 yr old - surely they’re exhausted? Assume the IVF was done privately - which company allowed implantation into a woman of this age? Are you in the uk?

How on earth do I sound spoilt??

Maybe so, but that’s not going to be the same for everyone. My FIL is 94?

You need to set him straight. In writing, and verbally. Including his wife in it. Make it crystal clear.

The point is, the nearest relatives are not obliged to take them in, and may chose not to be guilted into doing so. So then if both parents died in their 60s the kids would be taken into care. The parents are irresponsible and entitled and have not thought this through.

I would think carefully before agreeing to be a godparent OP. Traditionally, at least, this places you under an obligation to look out for the child if the parents die.

They'd expect you to raise their children while leaving their property and money to someone else? That would be funny if it wasn't so infuriating.

How the hell is the op spoilt?! Having children in your 50s is absolutely mental if anyone is “spoilt” it’s them. You can’t always get what you want.

Am with you op coming to end of parenting journey and hell would freeze over before I start that again not spending my last active years still parenting. Hard no. We also stopped at 2 for this reason.

I nearly died having my child in my 20s, ex SIL did die during childbirth in her 20s. A friend just died suddenly last year at 33, my aunt was 34 when she died leaving my cousin, I know 3 people under 35 that died of cancer, plus a friend whose mam died of cancer when she was a baby (before I met her obviously).

It's really not insane to realize that people can die young. You have to be pretty deluded to think you immortal.

Why do you doubt that? Given that she didn’t rate him much as a father to her, why would she want him to be a father to her children?

I wouldn't be able to support another family member's DC on my income or in my tiny house, but assuming they came with an inheritance that provided sufficient to support them I wouldn't hesitate on offering bereaved children a home.

Maybe my views are coloured by having had to help raise six step children, so am quite happy with raising other people's DCs!

The chances of this being necessary are remote as they will probably both be healthy enough to see them through their teenage years. I'm in my mid 60s and would still be very capable of looking after children.

I think you are making too much of this.

So many posters missing the point of this thread.

the fact is that bringing children into the world in your 50s makes it much more likely that you won’t be around to support them in their young adulthood.

with luck the parents will see all their kids reach 18. But then what happens after that?
most children still need their parents once they hit their 18th birthday.

the fact the father assumed his adult daughter would be the one to look out for his young children by second marriage without any prior discussion is the outrageous part of this.

It’s not about whether OP would have the “heart” to take in her young half siblings. This is completely irrelevant as an argument.

and it’s not about whether the parents will live long enough to see their kids to 18. What happens when the parents develop bad health conditions etc in old age, when their kids are in their 20s (or still in teens?)

It’s all so deeply irresponsible and I agree completely unethical for health professionals to be allowing couples in 50s who already have multiple children to use IVF to have more babies.

How many children have you adopted in order to get them out of the care system?

How on earth does OP sound spoilt? She has told us that her dad was a crappy father when she was a child and her mum had another baby when OP was 16 and expected her to look after this baby?

Her dad has had 3 more children and his expectation is that it is OP's responsibility to take them on if anything happens to him and her step-mum, even though he only bothers to see OP and his grandchildren twice a year.

@harmonyhannah you are amazing. I'm so sorry for your young wards though. As you say that sort of rejection leaves a profound mark.

I'm afraid it's a hard fact that parentless children are almost never the priority for other adults than their own children are. But you sound like one of the rare exceptions.

(Which is absolutely not to say the OP must take in her almost-unknown half-siblings from a not very good father who is leaving her almost nothing, should the actual parents die).

Ie; op would be expected to step up to be the full time mum to the children of a man who didn’t manage to be her full-time dad.

Calling these children her “ siblings” is being disingenuous. They are half-siblings at most and, while it’s heartening to hear the stories of people who grew up feeling exactly the same about their half-siblings ( and I do know people who feel this way), it’s not fair to pretend that’s always the outcome. Plenty of times the older step-siblings get a very short straw, and that does sound to be the case here. That short straw can be enormously hurtful and has huge impact.

However the sadness over losing their parents is, in their minds, nothing compared to the anger and upset they feel that none of their extended family stepped up. Contact with the extended family has also ceased due to this. The feelings of being rejected by them run very deep and is probably the major concern to us. I am not sure if they will ever recover from that, but we try our best to give them the love and support they deserve and so desperately crave, as well as continual reassurance that we are lucky to have them in OUR lives. It's very sad.

It sounds like your foster children are very lucky to have you.

It is of course horrendous that they feel rejected on top of having lost their parents. But couldn’t they have ended up feeling similarly rejected if a family member had taken them in out of guilt and then spent years struggling with suddenly becoming a parent to grieving children? To the point that they resented the children?

I wonder if op has any similar “ profound marks” from her father’s carelessness round her upbringing?

Only she can answer that :) but my own guess from what she's said is that her father wasn't very good, but not awful or completely absent. The father dissing the OP's mother for having a baby later isn't either pleasant or nice though. A poor way to handle a divorce situation in the best way for the kids.

My family would never need to ask me. It goes unsaid ,l would look after any family member that needed help, especially a child.
You don't know what life has in store for you...Hope you never need your parents help.

@hcee19 you haven't read the thread have you?

Well perhaps oP can be “ not awful or completely absent” to the Ss if something happens both parents.

The point is the father needs to recognise that if he didn’t come through as a full time dad to op, the family loyalty isn’t there when it comes to returning the favour. He sounds oblivious to the fact that he seems to be procreating beyond his abilities to parent responsibly -and that includes to op as well as not having back-up guardians in place. We all should have them, even if not in our fifties when they arrive.