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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Badly behaved child at funeral

335 replies

bizzybeing · 06/12/2024 07:39

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

OP posts:
Ihearyounow · 06/12/2024 08:13

Such poor parenting, kids like that grown up thinking that they are the centre of the universe and end up being quite dislikeable adults so it is a shame for the child.

MaitlandGirl · 06/12/2024 08:14

We had the funeral directors primed that if there were any unruly children at FILs funeral that they should encourage the parents and child to leave. We felt they'd be more subtle than my wife.

I'm sorry that your DB & SIL didn't have the sense they were born with to either tell their child to sit down or remove her.

I'm sorry for your loss - 102 is an amazing age and I'm sure you've got a lifetime of stories to share with your children as they get older.

Auburngal · 06/12/2024 08:14

This is awful behaviour. Probably not been told about the seriousness, sadness etc with funerals or how to behave.

I didn't attend my first funeral until I was 10. There were funerals in the family before but didn't attend as too young to understand or didn't know the person.

I would like to see you DB and his OH to apologise.

RonSel · 06/12/2024 08:15

Very disrespectful of people who are there to mourn a loved one, not watch a child cartwheeling.

Did no-one tell the child to sit down, or tell her parents to get her?
In my family my mum, aunt or me would have told her she needs to sit down and would have told her parents to get her back in her seat!

Zanatdy · 06/12/2024 08:16

Incredibly disrespectful. One of them should have taken her out, or left her at home knowing she wouldn’t behave

AloneLike · 06/12/2024 08:18

I don't think young children should be taken to funerals, unless it's the very sad situation of an immediate family member dying.

Feelinadequate23 · 06/12/2024 08:19

I know a couple exactly like this. Let their kid behave so disrespectfully at formal occasions and think it’s “sweet”. The girl is now 9 and has no friends at school as the other kids shun her. Very sad for the girl and totally crap parenting.

however don’t let this overshadow your memories - your DGD may well have been laughing down from heaven at the ridiculousness of it all! Sorry for your loss and how blessed you all are to have him live to such an age.

TheaBrandt · 06/12/2024 08:19

Personal view should be no under 10s at all funeral anyway. For so many reasons.

DancingNotDrowning · 06/12/2024 08:22

What would your grandfather have thought?

It’s not ideal behaviour but like you presumably your brother had to weigh up the pros and cons of leaving a 5 year old and like you decided to bring them. A funeral is discombobulating for little ones - they don’t understand either the grief of others, the solemnity of the occasion or the distress that they may be causing.

I suspect there’s a back story given your reference to a 5 yr old as a brat - I don’t think that’s a normal reaction to a shall child.

MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira · 06/12/2024 08:22

My friend's mother died a few years back and the same was said, children are welcome but not expected make your own decisions. My dad grew up with my friend's mum, our grandfathers were best friends (it's how we know each other), so my friend asked me to sit in the row behind the family on the end directly behind his then four year old. So if the child was distracted, too upset and didn't want to be there or just being inappropriate for a funeral the plan was I would take him out of the room, I had colouring stuff, a book and a new hot wheels in my bag to distract him if that happened. It didn't and he was very well behaved, but it was right there was a contingency plan in place. It's not appropriate for a funeral at all and ds turned six this week, I would expect him to know better in that situation and would've had a serious chat with him before hand about what a funeral is like and if he wanted to go. They were very unreasonable to bring her, allow her to delay the funeral and then do gymnastics!!!

whalesonthebus · 06/12/2024 08:23

Sorry for your loss. This sounds like something my late grandfather would have found hilarious, however the parents should obviously have known better and taken the child outside. DH’s aunt died a few years ago and his cousin literally brought a packed lunch for her 2 year old child (the deceased’s grandson) to eat in the church during the service. We were sitting behind them and watched with amazement as they were crunching on Pringles, vegetable sticks etc, I think there was even a frube. They hadn’t travelled far and it was a fairly short service.

LaDamaDeElche · 06/12/2024 08:25

The fact that they have one child you describe as being an angel suggests that they aren't bad parents, although every child is different, so some parents may have been lucky enough to have had a calm firstborn and a completely different second child and can be out of their depth as what worked with one doesn't work with the other. One of them should have taken her out of the church as that isn't appropriate behaviour at a funeral and they need to implement some strategies to manage this kind of behaviour effectively because their child needs to learn how to behave in social situations.

The child is five and having taught kids that age they are very young, lack emotional maturity and wouldn't understand the gravity of their behaviour in that particular situation. It's on the parents, not the young child. I personally don't agree with calling children brats and showoffs etc at that age as they lack impulse control and social skills, which is developmentally normal. That's where parenting skills come in to teach and guide them. Some kids are quiet, some are rambunctious, some have their moments when they get overwhelmed, some are ND unbeknown to the family at that age, so they are just behaving and reacting without thinking, there's no malice in it.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 06/12/2024 08:26

Is every family occasion the dn show? If not yet it will be going forward... How tiresome...

Itrytobesensible · 06/12/2024 08:26

I would have found that absolutely distressing.
The parents of the child were showing total disrespect: not only to your dear Granddad but to all of those there to mourn his passing.

IdgieThreadgoodeIsMyHeroine · 06/12/2024 08:29

oakleaffy · 06/12/2024 08:07

Would you cartwheel at a cafe? in school? - no.

Sounds like a showoff.

Show quote history

No. But a 5 year old would!

DogInATent · 06/12/2024 08:30

doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head
Would great-grandad have enjoyed it?
Funerals are often far too solemn and po-faced. My in-laws (not so much my side) are a huge family and whatever the event (hatches, matches, dispatches) there are always children of varying age. A reminder at a funeral that it's about a life well lived.

AloneLike · 06/12/2024 08:33

A funeral is discombobulating for little ones - they don’t understand either the grief of others, the solemnity of the occasion or the distress that they may be causing.

Which is why they shouldn't be taken to funerals, unless it is an untimely loss they will be grieving and need to process, such as a parent or sibling.

MichaelandKirk · 06/12/2024 08:34

Honestly nothing surprises me. I was in a beautiful 5 star resort in the Indian Ocean and at dinner a couple allowed their child to run around the buffet and dip their fingers into whatever they wanted. This brat then proceeded to sit cross legged on the floor whilst staff were trying to serve the other guests.

At one point the Mother got up I thought to remove the child but literally just stepped over them

Tryingtomakeitthroughtheweek · 06/12/2024 08:34

I have the sort of child that would do cartwheels in the front of the church if she was left to her own devices, I would either control her or not bring her. Awful behavior

Workingthroughit · 06/12/2024 08:36

Having buried a beloved grandparent recently I am funing for you. I would have said something and would not be speaking to this part of the family for a long time. How dare the brat behave like that and how dare her parents let her. So sorry OP. Certainly no presents this Xmas. Spend the money planting a tree for your grandad instead or similar.

Dontwearmysocks · 06/12/2024 08:37

So sorry for your loss. What a wonderful age to reach.

hugely disrespectful, I would have said something.

LaDamaDeElche · 06/12/2024 08:37

DogInATent · 06/12/2024 08:30

doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head
Would great-grandad have enjoyed it?
Funerals are often far too solemn and po-faced. My in-laws (not so much my side) are a huge family and whatever the event (hatches, matches, dispatches) there are always children of varying age. A reminder at a funeral that it's about a life well lived.

I thought that too, I'd love my future grandchildren to do that at my funeral. I wish funerals were more of a celebration of life than the somber and sad affairs they are. However, it's a time for the people who are left to grieve a loved one and they should be able to do that in the way they want to, peacefully and respectfully, so I do think this wasn't the place for the parents to let her do that.

itwasonlyhalloween10minutesago · 06/12/2024 08:38

No, that's not on. I'd be really pissed off.

MandyFriend · 06/12/2024 08:38

What a shame that the funeral of a 102-year-old gentleman was marked by a 5-year-old's gymnastics display! It is incredibly disrespectful and it astonishes me what behaviours some parents think are acceptable. I would love to know what other family members think.

It makes the job of more responsible parents very difficult, when their well-behaved kids see someone getting away with being so naughty. Children always have a great sense of what is and isn't fair, so I'd be interested to hear their perspective on the situation too.

MrsClatterbuck · 06/12/2024 08:39

I know ministers who would ask the parents to remove the child before proceeding with the service. And if it was my grandchild I would have told them to remove them. At a funeral a few weeks ago with a number of great grandchildren who you would not have known where there. Youngest would have been 6.