Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

She's 5. She is not disrespectful. She doesn't understand. I don't really see the harm of twirling around...maybe they thought least disruptive to let her be but perhaps they should have done more - but I'm more judgemental of people that label a 5 year old a brat.

It really is not pearl clutching to think a child doing cartwheels in a church during a service is dysfunctional.
I'm leaving this thread. I've not long been to a funeral and the thought of someone thinking it would have been OK for a child to be cartwheeling around is shocking. Do it at the wake, or somewhere other than during a religious service.

Awful of them, not the 5 year old's fault of course but one of the parents should have taken her outside if she couldn't sit quietly.

We're going to have to disagree. I don't think the death of a much-loved person who has lived more than the natural span is sad. I think it's joyous that they got to do that. I don't see death after a good life as sad. It's a well fucking done. And I'm glad you were there.

The sad deaths are the young deaths.

N'owt sad about a much loved elder finishing their story.

We're going to have to disagree. I don't think the death of a much-loved person who has lived more than the natural span is sad.

Because someone you love is not there any more, and you miss them. How can that not be sad? The age will be a comfort, of course, but won't negate the absence in your life.

My husband's mother died at 34. That's sad. Predeceasing your parents is sad.

102 year-old? Nah.

How bizarre. ANY death is sad, whatever the age, for the people who loved the person.

I can't believe people are telling others how they should feel when a loved one dies.

I don't feel sad about my elders dying. It's inevitable. I loved them. I enjoyed our time. I am very glad they were here. The end is, as the end is.

I don't want anyone to be sad when I die, I want them to be glad they knew me.

Presumably said 6 year old goes to school and therefore can behave for 30 mins at a time to sit in assembly/carpet time etc? So why can a child of 5!!!!! Sit for a short time at a funeral! And if she really can’t don’t bring her or take her out!

I lost my first husband in our 20's, I can still think losing a 102 year old is sad and should be respected.

An elderly member of the family dying who has been a consistent in everyone lives is something to be sad about.

Lots of this thread really demonstrates why so many children have no idea what behaviour is acceptable.

I lost my grandparents as a child and I still sometimes have moments where I miss them and feel sad.

102 year-old? Nah.

Disrespectful tbh.

If they knew their daughter was unlikely to sit through a church service (which in fairness a lot of 5 year olds wouldn't), then one of the parents should have stayed outside with her. A 5 year old will find it hard to understand what 'death' is, or what a funeral is and certainly would have no clue how to behave during one! As soon as their daughter started her gymnastics display, one of the parents should have taken her out. I have to assume this was a school day? It would have been better to have sent her to school and continued with normal childcare, especially as they only live 45 minutes away. When my cousin passed away in 2015, my son was 4. My husband sat outside the church in the car for a while with our son, and then took him for a walk. I didn't even entertain the idea of him attending. He was too young and didn't really understand. My son did come to the Wake afterwards at a nearby hotel. Your niece's behaviour was disrespectful, but that wasn't her fault but her parents as they allowed it to continue throughout the service.

It's so commonplace for parents to allow their kids to stick fingers in food - when you think of threadworms , the last thing one wants is a kid's dirty fingers {that have probably been up a nostril minutes beforehand} poking about in communal food.

There is a drinking water dispenser near us in a cafe and the amount of kids who are allowed to play with this is gross. Poking fingers upon into the tap bit.

Here is a display of ''gentle parenting'' - eg, parents do naff all.

Whilst I don't like inappropriate or bad behaviour from a young child, what I really don't like is their parent or parents not doing something about it. Which in this case would have been taking the child out of the church for a while.

That's appalling and I'd have been furious. Especially as she's five - she's not a bloody baby. Her parents should have taken her out if her behaviour was that bad.

I think it is fine to call the child (even though only 5) a badly behaved brat and also to point out to the parents that she was doing that because she wasn't being parented, or only in a wishy-washy and ineffectual way.

Yes, I'd let my feelings on this be known if the "parent" was my sibling. Why not?

I don't mind children of any age at weddings or funerals provided that they are well behaved and/or parented properly (taken out if necessary too).

Cartwheels or any other such theatrics in the church during the service is totally inappropriate and disrespectful behaviour which should have been stopped immediately, with the child probably removed from the church.

Ok. I don't miss the people I loved who aren't here anymore. I'm very glad that we had the time we had together. That is in the past. I'm just enjoying the time I have with the people that are still here.

I will not cry for my parents. I love them very much and we have a great relationship, but I'm absolutely prepared for them not to be here anymore. They're both in their 80s and hale and hearty, they've had a good life. I'd much rather they went suddenly than the slow fade.

And if someone did cartwheels in front of their coffin I'd laugh.

I don't think we do death very well in this country.

Your grandmother invited the children. The children came. If you're going to invite 5 year olds there needs to be some tolerance for poor behaviour.

This isn't about the age of there deceased person, it's about the bad behaviour of the child at what should be a respectful occasion.

Obviously someone of 102 had had a good life {good genes}

There’s a difference between ‘some tolerance’ and rudeness though. ‘Some tolerance’ would be a child figiting, or asking their mum what was going on. Continuing doing gymnastics throughout the service, and not being removed from the situation is poor parenting.

I went to my first funeral at the age of four and knew how to behave. Your niece sounds like a badly brought up brat.

As others have said, they should have taken her out and explained to her in simple terms why this was not appropriate. Long term they are not helping her and one day she may learn a harsh lesson that she is not the centre of attention especially at significant events such as a funeral.

Ok. I don't miss the people I loved who aren't here anymore

You must realise that's unusual.