Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

I’ve never heard of taking children to funerals,

Agree. It’s inappropriate on so many levels I world be judging anyone that took a child under 10 ish to a funeral. We didn’t go to my grandfathers. Remember seeing my granny sobbing at the kitchen table and found that upsetting enough. I was 6. We spent the afternoon with grandparents neighbours. Protects the children and the mourners.

Judge away - my DPs would have been delighted to see their 10 gc at their funerals, doing readings, offertories etc. It's all life as the priest said, smiling. All ten behaved impeccably throughout both services and it would have seemed v strange for them not to have been there. No one was wailing or weeping, most people are quite numb at that point, but my dc saw plenty of tears from me at home that morning. Nothing wrong with that, it is healthy to be OK with all emotions. They knew how much their GPs were loved and how said we were to say goodbye. Afterwards of course they loved the meal and drinks and playing with their cousins.

Yes.Funerals should be full of children from babyhood onwards.

If you look back, those opposed to child-free funerals are also opposed to child-free weddings.

Personal decisions children at funerals, never took ours to my dads when they were younger than 10, definitely think a child doing cartwheels at the front is unacceptable but, what would her great grandad have thought, my dad, who at the time had grandkids only, would have found it funny

Excluding children from death doesn't help them. Funerals serve a purpose, they're a ritual marker between the death and the period after. Once children are old enough to know the deceased and to miss them after they are dead, why would you choose to exclude them from societies rituals around that?

Absolutely horrible people to have allowed this. I think I would have removed her myself tbh.

Have to agree to disagree on this one. Funerals are no place for young children. Older children and teens yes.

I world be judging anyone that took a child under 10 ish to a funeral

Judge away. Or maybe accept that other families, religions and cultures are different to yours.

Many children under 10 attended my Mum and Dad's funeral. Speaking only for only my 2 children it has absolutely not harmed them and they behaved appropriately. Seeing all the grandchildren explore the woodland burial site was lovely and healthy. The grandchildren were my parents' world. They would have been astonished if we (their children) attended w/o them.

Am I the only one who loves the idea of a five year old twirling around at my funeral?

makes it feel way less morbid and performative somehow.

I blame the parents not the niece. A five year old really should know how to behave.

very disrespectful

when Fil died we had to bring DS2 because he was 4 weeks old and breastfed- I would have taken him immediately out if any issues. DS1 was a toddler though and it was the obvious thing to do just to send him to nursery on that day.

sorry for your loss.

No, you're not. You should make your wishes known in your Will and maybe have the service in a non-religious venue.
Many people have said while they wouldn't mind or that they think the deceased wouldn't mind, that they acknowledge it would be regarded as disrespectful to many others (other mourners, the celebrant, the church itself). Doing cartwheels in a church is widely accepted as inappropriate.

It's done now. If your parents or their siblings have an issue they can raise it with them. Otherwise, yes, it was poor behaviour from the family, but just let it go there is nothing to gain from holding onto it.

Sorry for your loss.

Firstly, I think that 5yo is quite young to attend a funeral. I wouldn't have had a clue what it was all about at that age, and I'm certain that I wouldn't have taken my own dc at that age. Why set them up for failure if it can be avoided? I agree that funerals are for older children.

Secondly, I completely agree that the parents are to blame - firstly for taking her, and then for not taking her out of the service.

But, a 5yo 'show off brat'? Children that age have had absolutely no exposure to funerals and many haven't experienced death. Why and how would they know how to behave unless it is explained to them? My first funeral was my nan's when I was 12. It haunts me still. I had no idea what to expect and nobody explained it to me. I remember waiting for the hearse to arrive at my nan's house and seeing a small pink football she played with with me in her garden. So i picked it up and tried to take it with me, because I thought we'd never be returning to her house, didn't know what the process was, assumed i could put it somewhere safe and just knew I wanted that football to remind me of her. My parents snapped at me "why are you taking that?! Don't be silly, put it down!" I was absolutely mortified.

What I'm saying is that adults don't often think like children do. They're unable to put themselves in their child's situation and see things from their perspective, experiencing something for the first time and finding it confusing, not knowing what will happen, why and when. Especially in times of grief, where the child is not the centre of things for a brief time. I was 12 and still lacked this understanding - and I've never spoken to anyone about how I felt on that day. That 5yo little girl, your niece, needs adults who will explain these things, set expectations, help them prepare and an understanding that they're experiencing something for the first time. Adults seem to assume that young children emerge from the womb knowing what happens at a funeral and how to behave, and why.

And if this is standard behaviour for this little girl, then the adults in her life need to look at the causes. And that could be their own failure.

YANBU. I believe there are times and places for things and a funeral is not the time nor the place to do cartwheels, especially not if the deceased himself would not have enjoyed them! When my parents passed away my own young children were told what was expected of them and they were ready to behave, but my sister wisely decided that her children of a similar age were not yet ready … so she left them home. I am still grateful that she did - it simply was the right decision. Sorry to hear your DB and SIL could not make the right decision themselves and could not even take their DD outside for some fresh air. (I would leave it for now though, as what’s done is done. But I would raise it if there was another funeral anytime soon. Of course I hope there won’t be!)

Sums it up succinctly

Omg. I despair of people like this. How awful for you all. Frozen songs? Fucking hell, cringing for those parents.

Oh you know you are. Stop stirring.

@Radamanth I questioned it, and she affirmed it.

Bollocks you did. You said "in things that never happened..." you called her a liar/fantasist/making it up.

That's not questioning. That's being insulting saying she made it up.

You know fine well what you're doing on this thread. If you're getting some kind of kick out of being deliberately gross to people, I hope you sort yourself out in future.

I went to my first funeral at nine. No one “told” me how to behave but the mood was sombre and people were crying. I didn’t need to be told not to do gymnastics at the front of the church!

@Porcuporpoise thank you. I may have been a bit harsh to the poster and I do agree that funerals are also a celebration of a long life... we had some laughter amongst the tears when we recalled the daft things dad did when he was younger....but unruly children seem a step too far! And the attitude of some people of "oh well they've had a long life, I don't care, it's the kids that matter" makes me fearful of assisted dying being brought in! (I may be being paranoid here!)

Nobody iss blaming the child, just the parents.

There were a lot of children at my uncle's funeral, including his 7gc, and it was open casket with everyone meeting at his daughter's house - with the open coffin at one end of the room. My youngest 2 were 3 and 7 at the time, it was their second funeral that week as my gm's funeral had been 2 days earlier. I think it's healthy to involve children in weddings and funerals.

I believe parents have never told their girl what a funeral is - purpose and content and don't say no/don't do this.