Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

No I don't think Granddad would have liked it. He was all for good fun but not in church. That was what the wake was for.

DM also wasn't happy and felt embarrassed that her part of the family did this but didn't want to cause an even bigger scene at the time. SIL is quite happy with this type of behaviour and DB just ignores it to avoid dealing with tantrums.

The irony is these wet parents are actually harming their own children. They don’t seem to realise that in not parenting through fear of upsetting the kid the kid will then not know how to behave (this is a perfect example) and will go into the world and antagonise other adults. They will then be thought badly of and are likely to miss out on opportunities and experiences.

Remember primary school play dates for children with wet parents treating me like a servant as their mums let them treat them. Were no second invites and those kids not ones the other parents encouraged friendships with.

Weve been strict about how we are treated by ours so our teens are now delightful to us and others. Dd2 in particular has had so many brilliant experiences and 5 star holidays with other families as she is first choice as the friend to bring along for their own child.

That was my thought too. I think children need funerals too but need preparing for the emotional impact. Sounds like she wasn’t prepared well enough.

I wasn't aware that any funeral was invitation only and I've been to many. Of course if the service is not advertised it might reduce numbers but if Joe Bloggs found out and went to it he wouldn't be turned away. Same with the wake.

Did other relatives say anything about the performance ?
I'm sorry OP..a time of remberance and celebration of a life well lived will always this mark over it

This is now beastly adults are made

I would have been tempted to have taken her out myself...

Many moons ago, I missed a significant chunk of a friend's wedding because I was stuck outside with a cranky baby.... It's called consideration.

Why is it not good to call a 5 year old a brat if that's what they are being? 🤔

The granddad would have been 5 in 1927. In those days, people treated being in a church extremely seriously - strict etiquette about clothing and behaviour, nothing frivolous - no laughing, no whispering or fidgeting during the service - even a routine church service was a solemn occasion, let alone a funeral.

In those days, children were supposed to be 'seen and not heard' especially in public places and even less 'slack' would be given to children misbehaving than adults. Eating sweets in church would have been hugely taboo and turning cartwheels so far off what was acceptable that it would never even have been thought of.

I'm not advocating that attitude to children or solemn style of church service, but it's simply not accurate to say that a deceased 102 year old would have been the same as the OP's niece when he was 5 years old.

It’s awful behaviour and the parent should have left her at daycare or taken her outside. Too many children are left to run around feral these days. I’ve seen it in pubs, cafes, museums, shopping centres, and even in the middle of the road at times, while their parents just stand around watching.

What kind of man was your grandad? If he had a sense of humour, ask yourself if he’d have laughed at someone doing cartwheels at his funeral. If the answer is yes, then console yourself with knowing he’d have enjoyed his send off, and don’t let it bother you any more.

The amount of people calling this kid a show off is unreal. My AuDHD daughter went through a phase of cartwheeling everywhere. She absolutely would do something like this at a funeral which is why she wouldn’t be there. She’s not a show off at all, far from it. She hates when people say things to her but she also has to move her body constantly.

Let’s not shame the kid but instead the parents for letting it happen at a funeral.

Because they’re not being a brat. You don’t know why that child behaved this way.

Dancing at the front of a funeral is 100% being a brat. And non-existent parenting.

It may be that that was the best way to keep him quiet for the service. A two year old isn’t going to understand what a funeral is or why they need to stay quiet.

I’d have no issue with snacks, colouring, or even an iPad (on silent!) for a toddler or preschooler if there was no way to leave them at home and it kept them quiet. An older child can absolutely behave themselves for 30 minutes - they manage it in school.

My DD would cartwheel anywhere and everywhere if she could and she’s 9 and she’s not necessarily a show off - well
no more than most young kids. I just don’t allow her to cartwheel everywhere and anywhere. Blame lies with the parents, not the 5 year old.

Exactly. IMO, we should not shield children from death and funerals. In an age-appropriate way you explain that they will need to sit quietly in the church because many people are feeling sad, and this time is for people to spend thinking about the person they loved. You let them know that if they can't sit quietly for that time then someone will take them outside, or (if available) they can sit in the children's area at the back (where there is often colouring and cushions etc). Then after the church you will all go and get something to eat and drink and be able to talk and move about.
If a 5 year old is unable to follow those instructions then the parents need to make alternative arrangements or be prepared to leave the church.
We all understand that small children are learning and accept some disruption, but if they are not then taught what the expected behaviour is then you raise ill-mannered and entitled people.

Well, tbf, neither do you and "being a brat" certainly sounds like a strong contender.

A 5 year old is a school age child, and therefore should be used to sitting and listening. The fault lies with the entitled parents, and I would be speaking to them.

Following this with interest and wondering what I would do if I were officiating at the funeral (as I do). I might let the child sit in my seat and involve her in some small way to keep her engaged. Whilst giving the parents meaningful looks, and assessing how (un)comfortable the other mourners were with the situation. Every funeral is different, and you have to think on your feet.

@Saschka

I have 2 toddlers myself and I’m forever using snacks as a distraction, however not ones in rustly packaging or crunchy foods in a church 😂 It was quite entertaining for me but DH’s uncle (husband of the deceased) was a bit distracted by the noise.

Arsehole parent syndrome.

I feel sorry for the child. If your family is anything like mine, she will be reminded of 'the time she did cartwheels at Grandad's funeral' for the rest of her life.

But possibly in an affectionate way, rather than some kind of mass shunning! I used to get reminded a lot of how I tore my First Communion dress climbing a tree and had to be presented to extended family in something hastily mended by a deeply unimpressed granny, but it’s just one in long line of ‘Remember when Uncle X crashed his moped into his FIL-to-be’s shop window’ and ‘Remember when Auntie Y was too mortified to tell her boyfriend her parents’ house only had an outdoor so, and let him go upstairs and they all sat listening to him opening and closing doors?’

Just because the deceased was elderly doesn't mean it's a "jolly" for the grieving adult children. My dad was blessed to live a long life, but he had been my beloved dad for 60 years..I was not in the mood for a "jolly" at his funeral and wound not have been impressed by some kid cartwheeling!

Besides anything I'd imagine it's a healthy and safety issue in most churches. They don't tend to have cartwheeling space.