Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

A 102 year-old? That's a jolly.

@Radamanth omg you just get worse. That's a horrible cruel thing to say. Awful.

She is school age. She won't be allowed to show off in assembly, when the teacher is speaking, or when it isn't her turn to speak in the nativity play? Why is grandad's funeral any different? I know plenty of 5 year olds and they do not act like that. They can be kept quiet in a church pew with a sticker book or quiet toy, or on parent's lap. This child is a badly behaved spoilt brat who is being brought up to rule the roost and 'express herself'. God help her poor teachers.

You were both a bit unreasonable taking 5 year old children to a funeral, they are probably not quite ready to process what is happening yet or the whole idea of death (and the cartwheeling child clearly had no clue what was actually going on). Not the child’s fault at all. Entirely on the parents.

That said, if I am lucky enough to have young grandchildren at my funeral I would be delighted if they did cartwheels and had fun - just because I’m gone, it doesn’t mean all joy has to be sucked out of life for everyone else!

That's actually shocking to hear. The family are lucky they didn't have someone really lose their temper.

Because her parents having parented her properly. “Making it all about her” is just such a weirdly bitter way to look at a 5 year old.

A lot of the deceased's older family and friends wouldn't have agreed with you. 'Grandma' was an amazing woman who'd achieved some extraordinary things after a difficult start in life. She was taken largely for granted by her children, who had no real understanding of what she'd contibuted to the world. Even at her funeral, which should have been all about her, they succeeded in making it all about them and their kids. It showed a shameful lack of respect for her.

You are taking things I've said and slightly misquoting them.

Yes. I love all death, think it's great, just fun ya?

Cool.

You are funny though.

Why are you being such an outraged silly misquoter?

The parents evidently subscribe to the parenting style that says roughly, ‘My child must be allowed to behave exactly as it likes, no matter where it happens to be.’
I’ve seen plenty of this, but must say, the OP’s case is probably the worst!

You must have lead a very sheltered life if OP's niece is the most badly behaved child you've ever heard speak of.

Crap parenting for allowing the child's poor behaviour.
The funeral is for respecting and remembering the deceased not allowing a child to play up to an audience.
Shame on the parents!
They need to put some boundaries in place .

I was referring rather to the parents’ attitude in allowing the child’s behaviour, which in itself was ‘bad’ only because of the occasional and location.
Of course I’ve seen infinitely brattier brats..

No wonder schools have such problems. Too much soft and inadequate parenting

I can see this would be upsetting for many people. It’s important that children are taught how to modify their behaviour depending on situation and circumstances, even if they have SEND. They should have been supported with that by their parents.

However, nothing you can do about it and the time has passed. Probably best to let it go.

Exactly. It's one where you brief your child isn't it. You explain what's happening so they aren't scared when they see adults crying and talk about the process and how we sit respectfully and listen and then there's a celebration after.

One of my cousin's children was running up and down the aisle during my Grandad's funeral a few years ago. And whilst a few people were annoyed my Grandma (his wife of 70 years) actually told my cousin not to stop her because my Grandad would have loved watching her have so much fun, rather than seeing everyone crying!

I guess my point is ultimately what did your Grandma or Mum say; and possibly most importantly what would Grandad have thought.

Told him not to be so silly? Well i hope you explained to him after that if he felt sad he felt sad and she was wrong to tell him not to be sad. Terrible to tell children they don't feel what they feel. You acknowledge what they are felling you don't dismiss it. She sounds like my unhinged mother who couldn't understand why my FIL was really upset at my MIL's funeral.

I took my then three year old to my mum's funeral and she ate a bag of sweets throughout 😊
I would have told a five year old to sit down and sit still, but they're five, so I wouldn't still be raging about it later. Your grandad was 5 once too, it's almost nice to think of it that way, and imagine the little boy 90 odd years ago. Sorry for your loss.

Maybe your DB and/or SIL are autistic?

Zero discipline. Zero parenting skills. Imagine her at 16.

I think she should have been removed, but I’d ask yourself whether your grandfather would have wanted her behaviour at his funeral, be the cause of a rift in the family?

I'm sure your GD loved the display. It probably made him chuckle.

Why we think children will behave in a somber way is beyond me.

I would have directed her to do her show at the back and not down the aisle, don't get me wrong, but stopping a child being a child....

Having said all that, I would not bring children to a funeral emotionally it's taxing for adults. Children don't have the emotional capabilities of adults so the event either goes over their heads (as in the case of yoyr DN) or is bewildering and so they are the behaviour of adults.

My nana and my uncle has their funerals 2 days apart and about 300 miles from where we live. I took my 19 year old (she drove us), my 7 year old and my 3 year old - the 17 year old couldn't make it as she had her A levels. I prepared my younger dc well and they both behaved impeccably during the services. I would have removed them immediately if they hadn't, I did have to give the 3 year old a look at one point!
They were a bit excitable during the wakes but I'm from Liverpool and it wasn't a big deal. During the service though would not have been acceptable!
I have been to too many funerals and have never seen any disrespectful behaviour during any service.

Awful. Just awful.

I took my 4 alone (dh couldnt get time off of work) to my grandads funeral. They where 5,4, 2 and a new born.

I was a bit of a mess as he was more like my father than my grandfather. We lived an hours drive away. We ended up being late. Walked into the church late. Had to walk all the way through to the front.

Kids where quite well behaved as I tried to hid my embarrassment for being late.

They stood up and down as required and danced to a few hymns. The priest was lovely to them.

My family and other guests did not moan or say anything and came to see them all and give them a little hug/smile/chat after.

I apologised profusely to everyone and not one single person (all 80+ in age) apart from my uncles had an unkind word to say and said they where happy we where able to make it and didn't miss it for fear of upsetting other people.

Your niece was naughty. I'm sure your grandad wouldn't have minded if he was with us still.

Condolences, but I think grief is making your annoyance worsen. Leave it be