Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

Well the child is 5 - some young kids cannot resist a crowd. The fault is with the parents who should have been actively parenting.

Eh?

Am I being rude and unpleasant?

I don't think I am.

So sorry for your loss.
That’s terrible! They should have removed her.
I took my dc (almost 3 the time) to a family funeral. I was very clear to him he had to be quiet and stay seated before the service. Also sat on the end of the aisle beside the exit incase he started acting up and I needed to make a beeline. Thankfully he behaved very well.

At 5, she should know better. One of her parents should have escorted her out until the service was over!

Am I being rude and unpleasant?
I don't think I am.

I mean you called OP a liar and told her you pitied her. That wasn't necessary at all.

It's ok to have divergent opinions. I think. I've not horrored anyone.

I questioned it, and she affirmed it. And then I did say eek, I'm sorry if she has a family member that says such bonkers things.

I think that's ok.

As in the deceased aunts son/daughter? I think that’s fair - They want to be at the funeral, they might not be able to/want to leave their kid, and snacks are distracting!

What you've said isn't true.

Hyperbole much?

Well to a point. But funerals are tailored for the people is being remembered.
My MIL wants hymns and a full service followed by afternoon tea. My mum what's a humanist service in a forest followed with her ashes being scattered and a big piss up! My MIL with not want children running around whereas my mum would probably encourage it.
Absolutely doesn't excuse the OPs DB though!

As in the deceased aunts son/daughter? I think that’s fair - They want to be at the funeral, they might not be able to/want to leave their kid, and snacks are distracting!

Unfortunately the deceased’s husband didn’t think so, he was annoyed and distracted by the noise of crunching, rustling tinfoil etc. I think I would have picked a “quieter” food to distract with like a banana or similar 😁

”someone making it all about her” she’s 5.

We've taken 5 / 6 years olds to 2 family funerals. They sit at the back with the non-related parent / member of the wider family, have quiet toys to play with and are taken out of the chapel by their adult if they're at risk of becoming disruptive. It worked for us and the DC had ADD so wasn't known for their ability to sit still for long periods of time.

No parent should have let a 5 year old do gymnastics in the chapel.

Goodness me, their own father?!

Maybe an oversight on their part, I can understand the thought process behind it

We also decanted snacks into a zip lock food bag so we didn't have rustling packets or noisy food like crisps. Parents need to plan how they're going to handle the situation.

Totally agree. I think the parenting here was shit. They should have removed her asap. Cartwheels at a funeral, and some people saying there is joy in life/life goes on. Had someone's child behaved like that at my dad's funeral, I'd have told them to get out.

But if the family members closest to the dead person (ie the most bereaved) were the ones with the children, hence sitting at the front, surely they get to an extent to determine the tone of proceedings? I mean, I agree with a pp that it sounds like everyone got what they wanted -- you got to walk out of a funeral and get first crack at the buffet, and avoid the Ghastly Indulgent Families.

How disrespectful.
I hope the only attention she received was from her twatty parents.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.
102 is a magnificent age too.

Maybe an oversight on their part, I can understand the thought process behind it

Probably not helped by grief at losing his wife of 50 years!

Yes I agree and I see it on social media more and more this need to feel happy and positive all the time is not healthy, human emotions are wide ranging and vary so much and just because a feeling isn't pleasurable then we must stamp it out, let's concentrate only on positves and happiness, no negativity allowed...
I'm sorry for digressing OP and I'm so sorry for your loss...

That’s dreadful and I’m not surprised you’re upset.

I hope her mum doesn't read this, she will be mortified more than she is already.

I bet she won't. That type thinks everyone adores their little cherub as much as they do. she's probably told all her friends how "uplifting" it was having cherub doing cartwheels for everyone.

Bet you could do cartwheels at 5 too!

A 102 year old's funeral isn't really a sad occasion, it's quite happy that a person lived that long and has lots of family there to celebrate their life.

So, not a solem meeting.

@Radamanth that's not for you to decide! Even at 102, it's still awful for someone to finally lose their parent and they will be grieving. If they want a solemn, traditional funeral that's their choice, not yours.

People said that to my mum when my great grandmother died. (I was eight.) It was important for me to go. (I couldn't face going into the crematorium though, although I didn't understand what was happening at the time.) Although I was so sad I didn't even cry at her funeral.
It's one of those things where I think it depends entirely on the child. This kid shouldn't have been there!