Badly behaved child at funeral

[bizzybeing]

My Granddad died recently at the age of 102 and the funeral was this week. DM and her siblings let all the grandchildren know that the great-grandchildren were very welcome at the funeral but not expected and that it was up to us, as parents, to decide whether or not to bring them.

The great-grandchildren range in age from 14yo to 3mo. The older kids all came as did the baby which was no problem. My cousin decided that her 2yo and 4yo would never sit still so didn't bring them.

We discussed it with our boys and they were all keen to go. DS1 (11yo) and DS2 (8yo) are both generally well behaved so I was happy they should come. DS3 is 5yo and can be a menace so I was less sure about taking him but it was a 4hr drive from home and so we'd have to leave him overnight by himself with the PILs. The PILs were happy to do that but DS3 really didn't want to be left so we agreed to take him. Beforehand we set out clear expectations for him and also agreed that if he didn't cope with sitting still then DH would just take him out and go for a walk.

My DB and SIL also decided to bring their kids. My nephew (10yo) was a delight as always. However my niece (5yo) was, in my opinion, a badly behaved brat. DB and family arrived late (they delayed the coffin to let them into the chapel first) because DN refused to get dressed and then DN proceeded to demonstrate her gymnastics skills at the front of the chapel through the entire service! DB and SIL made a few half hearted attempts to get her to sit down but basically just let her carry on doing cartwheels and twirling around waving a scarf over her head.

AIBU to think that if she couldn't sit at least reasonably still then DN should have been taken out of the service?

FWIW this is fairly standard behaviour for DN and DB and SIL could easily have left her at home. They only had a 45min drive to get to the funeral which started at 11am and was on a day they both normally work so have routine childcare from 8am-6pm.

Well said.

Absolutely, and that's not at all what I meant. And probably should have said that in my post as I did think someone would say that!

I just meant you would look at a five year old and think 'my grandad was once five too, with a whole life ahead of them'. And then went on to live to 102, what a long life!

Because brats aren’t born, they are made and if you label the child it can become a self fulfilling prophecy. She isn’t a brat. She is five year old, in a stressful and emotional situation who may be hadn’t been prepared for it and may be hadn’t had the right input prior to that to help her to regulate. 5 year olds are meant to be bouncy and fun. She needed something to do or to be taken outside. Don’t blame and label a child for being childlike!

Incredible disrespectful and one of her parents should have taken her outside. It’s not unreasonable for a five year old to be fidgety in a formal situation but if you insist on bringing them, one of her parents should be prepared to take her outside at the first sign of movement.

Sorry for your loss. I would have a word with the parents but maybe after some of the immediate grief has passed. If they don’t have the common sense or self awareness to take her outside then they do need to be told that her behaviour was upsetting.

Yes, one of the parents should have removed her / knowing her behaviour possibly not bought her. It’s so difficult sometimes, I am so sorry.

If the child has never been taught boundaries (because that requires effort), they would have little concept of appropriate behaviour in many situations. It is like people who bring their kids to a restaraunt and let them treat it like a playground, spoiling the atmosphere for other people, one or two who might not have the chance to dine out very often.

What would your grandad have thought?

I'd be happy to have children dancing etc at my funeral, rather that than a somber affair. But realise that many, many others would hate that.

If it was upsetting people then yes one of them should have taken her out.

Absolutely ridiculous behaviour !
A 5 year old can be taught to be quiet and sit down during a funeral !!
And if they can’t , then one of the parents needed to remove the child

Next time you see her, say sternly, 'Niece, I hope you are going to behave better than you did at [name's] funeral? You were really naughty then!' Her parents will probably never speak to you again, but it would be worth it!

Honestly, I think I’d probably have instinctively told her off myself if her parents didn’t. Unbelievably disrespectful and inappropriate behaviour.

Would they allow her to carry on at a wedding, or a christening? I’d have to say something.

No way José! One of them should've taken her outside, very disrespectful. You don't 'try' you do.

Nealy 15 yr this month for my mam my 2 boys 9 my 4 yr old were at her funeral in the crem and never murmered and not once had to be told to behave

100% the parents are absolute fuckwits. I took my daughter (who was a month off her 5th birthday) and my just turned 7 year old son to my granddad's funeral. They were told what to expect, we explained what we expected from them and what the occasion meant to others. They were both very well behaved. If they had started getting restless (as is to be expected from young kids) my husband would have taken them out. The child was old enough to understand, but the parents decided to put their child, and their inability to parent, ahead of the feelings of the other people at the funeral.

I really don’t think the 5 year old is to blame, the blame falls solely on the parents.

Personally I don’t think a funeral is great for a child of that age, you have unpredictable behaviour, can sit for shorter periods of time depending on the child. And they don’t always fully understand especially if it is their first experience with death. Depending on how close they were to the person who sadly passed away if they were close then they should be allowed to attend but if they didn’t see them often then I wouldn’t take a child that age. One of them should have taken her out side to calm down then had a word with her, given another chance then if same behaviour removed for rest of the funeral till the wake. Same again at the wake. Parents fault they know their child best..

🙄

You must realise that most people don't agree with you here

This is why I don't agree with young children at funerals

If they need taking out they've already caused a disturbance

They had options.

And why should cutting them some slack affect other people?

Personally I don’t think a funeral is great for a child of that age, you have unpredictable behaviour, can sit for shorter periods of time depending on the child. And they don’t always fully understand especially if it is their first experience with death.

I disagree. No need to shield them from this inevitability. Better they learn when they are children and have it explained to them in an age appropriate way. Children are pretty resilient. The main thing I remember about my grandma's death and funeral is my Mum being really upset (which unsettled me more than losing my grandma who I loved but in my eyes was old) and that the funeral would be pretty boring. I was very surprised that the wake was quite a lively affair. The one and only time I saw my Dad cry was when his own Mum died (and he was not in her country).
I believe these experiences as a child helped me manage the enormous grief of losing my parents and also enabled me to talk to my own children at that time.

Attitudes these days tickle me (not really)

We have more and more child-free weddings because people want their 'perfect day' yet weddings are a celebration and a joyous and fun time. And receptions are generally a meal followed by music and dancing with family which children love. But No. Mustn't spoil the service, or the photos

Yet funerals, which are generally sad and solemn occasions with a tearful congregation are now a perfect opportunity to take your babies and children because they need to 'learn' and 'death is part of life'. Even though they are often too young to understand, can't cope with sitting still for too long in a situation which is dull for them and often disturb people who just want to cope with their grief.
Yes, take them to the wake. They do enhance them. People have said their goodbyes and now is the time to reminisce and children need to be a part of that

Within my family we have never had child free weddings or funerals and I can't think of a single problem. We are a large family with lots of children, so babes in arms up to too cool teenagers have been to lots of ceremonies. They've been taken out if needed (crying baby), raised smiles and helped. Their presence hasn't ever been questioned.

Never take kids to a funeral.

That's I'd awful behaviour.

I'd have marched her out myself.

One of the parents should have talen her out