Do you teach your child to hit back?

[SweetBobby]

If yes, why?
If no, why?

I do and I feel pretty strongly about it. Being able to stand up for yourself in life is absolutely vital.

YABU- No I don't
YANBU- Yes I do

I don't because I was taught to do that and had great success fighting school bullies at primary school...but after around age 13 girls are smaller than most boys and I was a very small girl.

There will always be someone bigger or stronger or with deadlier weapons. Hitting back now is one thing, but it will require knives or guns in a few years' time.

Best to teach DC to tell a teacher immediately.

Also, make it clear you have their backs and will remove them from school if bullies are not stopped.

YABU. Violence is never the best answer. Also, someone who’s enough of a dick to hit in the first place is going to be enough of a dick to hit again, much harder.

No I do not, but then nobody has ever hit them.

No. I teach them to tell them to stop, to tell someone else, that hitting should only ever be a very, very last resort.

I don't think it's about who hits the hardest. I'd rather try my best than not at all. And it's alright saying violence isn't the answer, but if you're being hit then it's too late for that.

I don’t because I think encouraging and escalating physical violence is really stupid. I know a lot of people like to claim ‘I hit back and the bully stopped’ but it’s just as likely to end with ‘I hit back and the bully hit back harder, and so did his friends, and I got seriously hurt.’

I don't, and never will.

We talk about how it's unacceptable, and how to flag to adults when it happens, and how to make choices over wether we want to continue being friends/playing with someone who does that to us. He can also defend himself, obviously. But hitting back for the sake of it? No.

I think it depends on lots of things. My husband grew up in a very intimidating area in London, if he hadn't gave been prepared to hit back he would have been violently attacked on many occasions. It wasn't a "tell a teacher" scenario.

I’ve told mine to use any force necessary that enables them to get away if needed.

At primary age- I tell them to tell a teacher if someone hurts them. I once gave my daughter permission to hit a boy back as he kept hurting her in school and nothing was done. She whacked him across the back of his legs with the same ruler he had used to slap her on her head for the 20th time that week. He cried and she told him if he touches her again she’ll do it twice as hard...she was 10 and he deserved it. Funnily enough the teacher called me in about it and I told him as much too. He didn’t argue with me.

I disagree that walking away from someone who’s violent is ‘not trying at all’. It’s simply leaving a potentially dangerous situation.

We've never really had that chat, but if I got a phone call from school to say that someone had hit them and they'd hit back I'd not punish them.

I spend most of my time telling my two young children not to hit each other so currently can’t imagine encouraging them to start doing it! 🤦🏼‍♀️

Hit in self defence

I do. Adults are allowed to use physical force to defend themselves so why not a child?

Depends on the scenario of course as to whether it’s safe or better to just run away. Not always possible to get a teacher at the right moment.

Yes I told my daughter to, after she was getting physically attacked by a boy in her class, and the teachers were completely ineffective. In class he had a 1:1 but was just let loose in the playground. This was in reception and year 1, and although I don’t think she ever did hit him, we gave her the permission to do so if she needed to get away.

No, because the times they have been hit at school have been by dysregulated neurodiverse children, and I don't think it's fair to hit someone back in that scenario. I teach mine that hitting is always wrong, so don't do it

Absolutely agree that you should learn to stand up for yourself. But I never encouraged my DCs to fight. If you're being attacked then it's fairly reasonable to want to defend yourself but its also possible to walk away from a situation before things get heated. Defending yourself and reacting to something are of course different. If someone has upset you and you react with violence and see this as standing up for yourself, then I think that is wrong; it's also assault.

Self defense isn't hit back.

Self defense is get away telling an adult. If you can't get away deflect hit and get away and get an adult.

Only when you have absolutely no choice and no escape option, and only then is hitting appropriate.

Violence begets violence and it is never the answer

I teach mine the 3 strikes rule

1- tell them to stop/ tell a teacher
2- tell them to stop/ tell a teacher
3- hit them as hard as you can.

seems reasonable to me

This. DD was repeatedly kicked by a boy. I didn't teach her to hit back but when she did, I wasn't angry. We did discuss other methods but lamping the little arsehole did stop him doing it again.

At the time she was repeatedly bullied (a lone girl) by a group of boys. The school did next to nothing. After she downed the one, the rest didn't do it as much.

And yes, words and all that are better. But some playgrounds are Lord of the Flies and no amount of kind words and telling helps.

Standing up for yourself need not be physical - and tbh is very seldom successful if it is physical.

I successfully taught my children to use their voices, loudly and assertively, to state their wishes and summon help, but also to plan in advance to reduce their vulnerability (if X targets you in the playground, who are you going to choose to go out into the playground with, and where are you going to play?)

Obviously, in an extreme situation, when in deadly danger, we would all use physical means if all other routes were exhausted, and some basic self defence training is useful for more independent older teens (and interestingly, that mainly teaches that physical responses should be absolutely the last resort). But it’s not useful to teach reciprocal violence as a first line of defence.

I told my daughter to after she was repeatedly hurt by the same child. In the end the child was excluded so she never had to do it but they have my permission to hit back if they need to.

We’ve done same.

I always told mine to hit back in self defence. Sometimes an adult is not always around.

We tell DD to defend her self.

So when a much a bigger boy picked her up by the collar I told her in that situation she would be ok to kick or hit back to get him off her. No different then is someone did the same to me I would do what was needed to get away.
But DD never would as she's too scared of being the one to get told off!