Colleague being unreasonable over generous work gift

[AConcernedCitizen]

Will try to keep this brief!

• Team traveling abroad for work.

• Some time ago, in lieu of a Christmas party, company offered to extend the trip by an additional 3 nights, at a very popular nearby tourist destination. Flights, transfers, accom for the additional time all paid for. All other expenses our own.

• Additional nights were completely optional, option to fly straight home after the work part of the trip was also on the table. Everyone accepted the extra trip.

• The place we are traveling to for the 'fun' part of the trip is very expensive in terms of food/drink/entertainment.

• We travel tomorrow.

Last week one team member started dropping hints about booking 'group activities' to fill our time, but it was quickly made clear that everybody else wants to spend it casually going to shops, bars, restaurants, exploring and enjoying the kind of entertainment this city is known for. Most of us (not her) have been before and have places we want to go already pencilled in.

They had previously kicked off over the hotel situation. For budget reason we had the option of sharing rooms in the city centre or individual rooms a short (£20) cab ride away. Everyone but her wanted individual rooms, at which point she stated point blank she could not afford the cost of taxis this close to Christmas, and if she didn't want to go to shops/bars/food with the rest of us this would be completely unfair on her.

For the last few days they have done nothing but complain about the cost of the trip, being left out, suggesting to younger colleagues that the extended trip is a 'team thing' and as such we should do everything together (it very much is not) and suggesting ridiculous activities that nobody wants to do, eg, a 5k run!

This will be an expensive trip (we think about £1000 for food, drinks & entertainment PP for the additional 3 nights), but we all knew that beforehand and have had six months to save. She has no children and still lives at home. We are all well paid.

Today, she has dropped the bombshell that she has booked herself a flight home 24 hours early, at a cost of more than £500 (plus transfers). As she's not a big drinker/eater, this will likely end up being the more expensive option than staying the last night!

Some of the younger team members (who she has been leaning on quite heavily with the guilt) are now a bit annoyed/upset. They feel that she lied about not being able to afford taxis in order to get her own way. They are also worried that the trip will end up being ruined by her complaining, and the awkwardness of her refusing to split cabs, bills etc, which has occurred on previous work trips.

Despite the trip being gifted, everyone is spending a lot of their own money to be there and a couple of people have mentioned privately that they will outright refuse to share a cab/table with her.

We don't have much of an organisational hierarchy (small core team), but as a senior member of staff I have been asked by others to speak to her.

Surely she is being very unreasonable here, but how do I navigate this?

AIBU to ask her to give it a rest with the complaining/money talk? Or am I going to risk making it worse if she knows people have complained?

It's not silly. The 3 day extra stay is likely to be a taxable benefit.

Employees may need to report taxable gifts as part of their self-assessment or through other appropriate means. The value is likely to be way above de minimis.

I think everyone (or at least the kids) will be staying out of rounds as soon as they see how much one costs! 😅

I'm struggling to work out what the younger colleagues want you to do/are unhappy with

They're worried that if there is an almighty scene made about anyone getting left behind, that it'll reflect badly on them by default.

And they don't want the awkwardness of being 'stuck' getting a cab/tab with someone who can't/won't pay their way, having to have that conversation themselves while they're out there and potentially upsetting someone.

I'm old and grizzled and am dreading the prospect of having to say to an almost 30 year old woman "don't go into a round if you're not going to get one back", so I can only imagine how they're feeling 😭

It all sounds like a fairly toxic environment rather than an optimistically described 'dream team'.

Don't forget that while these extra 3 days are not 'technically' work they still come under the banner of work when considering employee wellbeing.

We don't SA and regardless, I have never in my life reported a work's do to the taxman, and I've worked for companies that have spent high six figures on parties, hiring famous bands, DJs, etc.

I reckon we'll be fine with three nights in a hotel 😃

It sounds like she has become anxious about the cost of the trip and it not turning out as she had expected.

She's also being excluded and doesn't understand why. It sounds like there are very clear reasons, but she needs an explanation and an opportunity to reflect and change her behaviour. It's unfair to exclude someone and not tell them why, so a hard conversation is unfortunately needed about how her behaviour impacts her colleagues.

I recently went on a work trip and a small group of colleagues from another department offered to meet up with me me for a drink in the evening, as I was the only one there from my team, but in the end they went somewhere else without me. I suspect they probably did that thing of offering to be polite, but didn't expect me to accept and didn't really want a "newbie" in the group for the evening. Or maybe I said or did something one of them didn't like in the day. But either way, even in my mid 40s, it was hurtful to be excluded and not know why. So big girl pants on OP, it's very not ok for her to freeload but it's also not ok for the younger team members to go full Mean Girls in return. If you're a close knit team, then the team needs to learn how to communicate directly and solve problems, or they'll fester and become toxic over time.

Some group guidelines about etiquette in a more expensive destination may also be wise (e.g. you drink it/eat it, you pay for it, avoid rounds and splitting bills, taxis are split equally, no pressuring others into spending or doing things they don't want to).

It doesn't matter that you don't submit self assessments. It's still a taxable benefit. You (general you) don't get to opt out of paying tax just because the Revenue don't send you a self assessment form.

You're also confusing your employer paying for a general office party, which wouldn't be treated as a taxable gift, and the employer making these very specific gifts to individuals.

That's because employers usually take the tax hit for staff functions that aren't exempt and they pay the tax so you don't have to. Most employees never even realise.

This isn't a staff function - you've made it very clear you don't want to hang out with your colleague - so it wouldn't surprise me they don't intend on paying the tax for it. Did any of you ever ask what was going to happen tax-wise?

I've only heard your side of the story, OP, but it sounds like there is a massive clique, and this girl isn't in it. As none of you wanted to hang out with her, she's decided she would feel so awkward she'd rather pay £500 for a flight she might not even be able to afford, as a way of backing out of a trip she is now regretting.

I bet the 5K she mentioned wasn't actually a race and was a parkrun, which is a very different thing. You could have volunteered as a team and had a bit of fun doing good on your break together, you didn't have to actually run it.

I genuinely feel sorry for her. Maybe she could have handled herself better, but so could the rest of you, and a lot of you are older than her and should have been able to handle this with more grace. I'd throw her a bone and consider whether there is one small thing you can do with her on this break rather than freezing her out for the whole thing. She's already going home early. Can't you all do one small thing with her before she slopes off?

Why can't she do some sightseeing on her own? Presumably she can use public transport or book a guided tour.

I always find it strange that freeloaders get away with it more than twice. It's sad that among the lot of you not one person has called it out. Bunch of wet wipes.

I was a lodger years ago and said to my landlord "You like a glass of wine, don't you?" When he said "yes" I said "how come you never buy any?"

I think he squirmed a bit, but started contributing after that.

I also can't believe how many posters still don't understand that the taxi is £20 total, so 4 people sharing would make £5 each.

There’s no clique. She’s hung out with them plenty. Enough to have picked up a reputation as a serial freeloader in fact. Everyone is obviously tired of her shit and they don’t want to be paying for her food, drinks and taxis for three days.

Wow... your company is very generous to provide 3 extra days flight and accommodation. I want to work there.

Dont make a mountain out of a molehill. I think a word with everyone in the group together before you set off so you're not singling anyone out, that this is a gift from the company for flight and accommodation only, with a free xmas dinner thrown in, that the time there is free for everyone and not a work event. That you are not all tied at the hip together and everyone is free to choose what they want to do, be it sit in a bar all day and get drunk, sight see or shopping individually or within a group/mini group. Remind everyone you are all individually responsible for yourselves, and to make sure you check in with one another, for safety. Or check in with you.

Perhaps suggest meeting somewhere for dinner together each night? ( although I accept the younger generation might want to do their own thing). Maybe as senior manager, you might want to let everyone know to call you if there is an emergency.

Other than that tell them to enjoy their free time and to share photos.

Let your colleague leave a day early, she's decided what she's decided and not even discussed it with anyone and purchased a ticket behind everyone's back. From what ive read, she's not endearing and tries to take free advantages whenever she can, from not paying for drinks, food and taxis. But don't exclude her on outings or if a group want to sight see etc... just ask if she wants to join in. That way you can't be accused of excluding or bullying. If she joins, she joins and if she doesnt and want to do her own thing, then that's also her choice. Maybe you want to have a quiet chat about why she's leaving a day early to understand why she's done it given you all have to work together.

My concern is if there are any problems from this trip, your company might not agree to fund another trip next time.

Enjoy, it sounds like it's going to be fun.

You don't see the problem with a whole team sent abroad on a jolly, all doing their own thing and ignoring one younger woman? I predict HR problems.

Bitch bitch bitch
Moan moan moan
Whine whine whine
Complain complain complain
They’re all the same.

Everybody has one — nobody wants one.

It sounds like you don't like her.

The younger members of the team don't either, and they've come to you, hoping you'll keep her away from them.

Fair play to them, but if I was you, I'd not get involved. It'll end badly for you if you say anything.

There’s a limit on what companies pay per head for a Christmas party that is tax free. After that the company pays tax on it.

you say it’s your Christmas party here but throughout you keep saying it’s not a work event.

a hotel stay for a personal holiday would be a benefit in kind that is taxable as part of the individuals pay so you should look into this.

If you have agreed to be the one to talk to her, please do it with kindness.

It seems to me that, having made the decision to stay the extra three days like her colleagues were doing, she suddenly felt left out and on her own when she realised everybody would be doing their own thing and investing extra money for taxis. It seems she then panicked when she couldn’t find anybody like-minded to pal up with and decided to get home earlier, an unnecessary decision which has cost her dearly.
Maybe you could gently find out what was behind her thinking and help her feel less uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Whatever her motivation, it’s clear she isn’t well liked which isn’t a nice situation for her to now be in, on a group trip overseas.

Tokyo?

I think this semi free jolly was poorly organised by management. Management should have decided on accommodation (so everyone knows the location) and it should have been clarified on whether there will be group activities or the employees will be left to freelance it. Even in a team that has total harmony, conflict due to differing interests would have arisen.

With all the faff and drama the OP is describing this freebie doesnt sound worth it.

It's a tricky situation your fellow colleagues have put you in, expecting you to speak to her about her behaviour outside of work.

Is there a way of sending an email to the people going on the trip suggesting that as things are fairly expensive people should plan accordingly and that buying rounds are not advised. Also that people will be expected to buy their own food and pay for any taxi costs up front.

I don't understand why you care so much what the other younger colleagues think/feel, but are seemingly unconcern about a colleague who is, for whatever reason, uncomfortable enough with the situation that she's spent £500 of her own money to travel back early?

I feel really sorry for her. Agree with others it sounds like she is being anxious and included from your clique, and you seem to be relishing the fact the younger ones have asked you to get involved. As a senior manager, ask her if she’s ok. Look at this from a well-being point of view and how you can make sure she’s included and not bitched about. And maybe just suggest everyone pays their own way during the trip instead of doing rounds!

She could have gone straight back home then. Don’t overlay your anxieties and insecurities on everyone else.

if she’s a PITA - a quick “fuck off, Janice" would be my response.

I think some of the responses here are so holier than thou and preachy and rooted in some kind of disbelief or envy in this rather fabulous opportunity to travel to a great destination - and while having to incur some expense, still getting the experience with flights and accomodation covered is a big, big and generous gesture...I would certainly prefer this to a drawn out evening in a hotel eating tedious overcooked Christmas fare. OP, I would step away from this before it all escalates and blows up in your face. Refer it up the line to senior management or HR, and perhaps they can defuse it all by laying out the guidelines of this trip in an official way. I know they did it before at the proposal stage, but perhaps a reminder is in order, as this employee seems to have interpreted it all in a completely different way.

Maybe you could send a message to everyone and see if they want to set up
Splitwise for any group expenses.

It can be used for subgroups too, so before any taxi or drink all the group needs to do is for someone to say they will pay upfront and put it on Splitwise for sharing.

Because if you take all the work trip stuff to one side, this is your usual story of a moocher on a group trip.