Colleague being unreasonable over generous work gift

[AConcernedCitizen]

Will try to keep this brief!

• Team traveling abroad for work.

• Some time ago, in lieu of a Christmas party, company offered to extend the trip by an additional 3 nights, at a very popular nearby tourist destination. Flights, transfers, accom for the additional time all paid for. All other expenses our own.

• Additional nights were completely optional, option to fly straight home after the work part of the trip was also on the table. Everyone accepted the extra trip.

• The place we are traveling to for the 'fun' part of the trip is very expensive in terms of food/drink/entertainment.

• We travel tomorrow.

Last week one team member started dropping hints about booking 'group activities' to fill our time, but it was quickly made clear that everybody else wants to spend it casually going to shops, bars, restaurants, exploring and enjoying the kind of entertainment this city is known for. Most of us (not her) have been before and have places we want to go already pencilled in.

They had previously kicked off over the hotel situation. For budget reason we had the option of sharing rooms in the city centre or individual rooms a short (£20) cab ride away. Everyone but her wanted individual rooms, at which point she stated point blank she could not afford the cost of taxis this close to Christmas, and if she didn't want to go to shops/bars/food with the rest of us this would be completely unfair on her.

For the last few days they have done nothing but complain about the cost of the trip, being left out, suggesting to younger colleagues that the extended trip is a 'team thing' and as such we should do everything together (it very much is not) and suggesting ridiculous activities that nobody wants to do, eg, a 5k run!

This will be an expensive trip (we think about £1000 for food, drinks & entertainment PP for the additional 3 nights), but we all knew that beforehand and have had six months to save. She has no children and still lives at home. We are all well paid.

Today, she has dropped the bombshell that she has booked herself a flight home 24 hours early, at a cost of more than £500 (plus transfers). As she's not a big drinker/eater, this will likely end up being the more expensive option than staying the last night!

Some of the younger team members (who she has been leaning on quite heavily with the guilt) are now a bit annoyed/upset. They feel that she lied about not being able to afford taxis in order to get her own way. They are also worried that the trip will end up being ruined by her complaining, and the awkwardness of her refusing to split cabs, bills etc, which has occurred on previous work trips.

Despite the trip being gifted, everyone is spending a lot of their own money to be there and a couple of people have mentioned privately that they will outright refuse to share a cab/table with her.

We don't have much of an organisational hierarchy (small core team), but as a senior member of staff I have been asked by others to speak to her.

Surely she is being very unreasonable here, but how do I navigate this?

AIBU to ask her to give it a rest with the complaining/money talk? Or am I going to risk making it worse if she knows people have complained?

I'm guessing it's Las Vegas?

It’s perfectly acceptable to dislike someone who happily imbibes drinks bought for her but then refuses to buy when it’s her round.

It’s good to have boundaries.

Op just blank her. Have the people who don't want to buy her drinks because she doesn't do rounds, exclude her when they take the order. If she suggests an activity you don't want to do say no once and then ignore her. If she isn't fun to be around and doesn't want to join the group just let her go and do her own thing.

You and everybody else just do all the things you were going to do and ignore her. She can do as she's pleases. And stop paying for her if she's a tight arse.

Your made up scenarios add nothing to the thread except your bizarre attempt to create confusion.

She also said entertainment.

Entertainment is never compulsory. Eating is.

Switzerland too.

I would absolutely love a job with some abroad travel and would love a chance at something like this. My job only requires UK travel.

She sounds like a right pain in the ass and I wouldn’t go in a round with her either or get in a taxi with her.

Hopefully she doesn’t cause too much of a fuss.

If she quits, let me know 😂 I will pay my share on all rounds and taxis 😂

Yet you are the one continuing to try and derail the thread.
Good on you.

It's none of your business (or your junior colleagues) if she is paying herself to go home one day earlier. It would be extremely unprofessional to ask her to stay or to call her out on it.

And from your posts it's clear that you are not a close knit group or maybe some of you are but this colleague in question obviously isn't.

All great points!

I had wondered about something going on at home, but she's been her usual chirpy self otherwise.

And with the flight, she didn't ask! Literally just booked it and told people. It's all very odd.

I'm sure this is just the mighty Mumsnet making me second guess myself, but I'm wondering now if she actually hasn't booked this early fight and it's all a bit of an attention play? 😬 Best not to go down that rabbit hole 😅

Sounds like you’re all kind of ganging up on her, and over investing in something that’s not really going to affect you. You’ll still enjoy the trip, still do what you want to do and her leaving early will have zero impact on your enjoyment. Sounds like it would have been a bit of a toxic environment for her to be in, and whether she’s been acting like a pain or not, leave her alone to do what she feels comfortable doing - which is leaving early.

This is a terrible “gift” by your company that people would feel obligated to accept. They should have just gifted everyone the cash value of the trip offered, if they didn’t want to go.

She isn't a big eater or drinker, but has in the past accepted drinks in rounds and refused to reciprocate when it's her 'turn'.

I think this little snippet may hold the key to it all, if you are all as pally as you say, and much bigger drinkers and eaters than her, has she in the past tried to fit in but then realised she's being stiffed paying for people that are drinking and eating a lot more than her, it sounds like she is trying to avoid those situations, except she's got no choice now, because you all overruled her to have rooms out of the city.. she's now either got to buddy up (which people have told you they are refusing to do, so making it awkward for her) or be stuck on her own, she's trying to arrange trips out probably as a way of buddying up and all of you are trying to avoid her like the plague and talking about her behind her back.

You all sound quite up yourselves to be honest, £1000 is an incredible amount of money to spend on food, drink and entertainment for 3 days, especially when you don't have anyone to enjoy it with because you are all treating her like a social outcast.. no wonder she's decided she wants to come home early.

I certainly didn't mean to give the impression that people don't like her, so that's my fault.

There are frustrations around this trip, would be how I'd describe it.

We're hardy the Brady Bunch and living in people's pockets for long periods like we do, there will always be tensions here and there, but we are 100% a solid group personally a d professionally.

The young ones felt miffed at this particular situation, and it was them that didn't want to share cabs/bills etc as they can't afford it if she decides she can't pay. I do feel that's a legitimate concern. It's the trip of a lifetime for them.

I agree with this. She might have decided the cost of the flight was worth finding to get her home. If she doesn’t know the city and feels she’s going to be on her own for 3 days I can understand it if she isn’t as well travelled as some of you.

Hmm, it sounds as though she misunderstood the nature of the trip and is regretting accepting. I imagine someone who is saving hard to move out, so although she is well paid, she wants to spend the 3 days on a tight budget. A 5k park run is a cheap activity.

If she won’t split restaurant bills, or won’t buy a round of drinks, suggest that you individually buy your own meals and drinks when she’s present.

As for whether you speak to her, if you can find time to talk with her alone you can ask if she is looking forward to the trip and listen to what she says. You could say you’d heard she is leaving early and offer to change her flight.

Tricky situation! Sounds a very generous and decent company to work for.
I would ask to see her in person, then ask her if she is ok with the idea of the trip and if something was upsetting her about it and if she was ok.
try and get her grievances out one by one.
if any are fair - address them in her favour - she may be nervous, have other personal issues going on.
if she moans and says things you feel are unfair and against the spirit of the trip, ask her why she didn’t return immediately as offered. If she sounds petulant and annoyed she didn’t get her say on where to stay for example, I would shut her down a bit at that point and say everyone wants to have a good time and that you hope she feels able to join in in the spirit in which it’s been organised.

I don’t see any messages on this thread that would possibly suggest that she hasn’t actually booked the early flight and is making it up.
the fact that you have reached this conclusion somehow shows the unconscious bias that you clearly have towards her. I think you need to take a step back and reevaluate the whole situation around her to make sure that your opinions about her are fair

"Team fit is everything to us and a key factor in getting hired and passing probation."

This is such an outdated view. A decent modern workplace would evolve their team to be inclusive to any new team member.
It sounds like your workplace doesn't have the team fit that you think anyway. It's clear that several people on this trip don't like the woman, she's being excluded.
Just as if you drunkenly come on to someone at a work party it's treated as a workplace incident, you should remember that this trip IS a workplace trip, even if you are sightseeing - don't allow bullying and exclusion of any employee.

Depending on where you are going, people should let the waiter know right away that the meals should be on individual bills. I know some European countries don't like to do this, but it is quite common in Canada and US.

Maybe just have a quiet word with her saying it's too bad she is leaving early, but you understand budget restraints. Also mention there are lots of things to do in a city that are cheaper, including some museums, parks and using transit. Hopefully she will bring trainers and get in a 5k, you can even suggest she look up a scenic route.

As for the younger ones on your team that came to you for support, they need to get their big girl pants on and learn to speak up for themselves. Suggest they can use the experience as assertiveness training.😀

I certainly didn't mean to give the impression that people don't like her, so that's my fault.

It comes across very clearly that you don't like her.

Meh, sounds like she realised she isn’t going to enjoy and would prefer to go home. Not a problem unless she is moaning about it. I would quietly say something if she is behaving like a child who didn’t get her own way. But otherwise just ignore and tell others to do the same.

Just leave her be. She wants to go home and that’s not unreasonable.

I’m amazed only one person doesn’t want to fully engage with an elaborate trip like that.