Colleague being unreasonable over generous work gift

[AConcernedCitizen]

Will try to keep this brief!

• Team traveling abroad for work.

• Some time ago, in lieu of a Christmas party, company offered to extend the trip by an additional 3 nights, at a very popular nearby tourist destination. Flights, transfers, accom for the additional time all paid for. All other expenses our own.

• Additional nights were completely optional, option to fly straight home after the work part of the trip was also on the table. Everyone accepted the extra trip.

• The place we are traveling to for the 'fun' part of the trip is very expensive in terms of food/drink/entertainment.

• We travel tomorrow.

Last week one team member started dropping hints about booking 'group activities' to fill our time, but it was quickly made clear that everybody else wants to spend it casually going to shops, bars, restaurants, exploring and enjoying the kind of entertainment this city is known for. Most of us (not her) have been before and have places we want to go already pencilled in.

They had previously kicked off over the hotel situation. For budget reason we had the option of sharing rooms in the city centre or individual rooms a short (£20) cab ride away. Everyone but her wanted individual rooms, at which point she stated point blank she could not afford the cost of taxis this close to Christmas, and if she didn't want to go to shops/bars/food with the rest of us this would be completely unfair on her.

For the last few days they have done nothing but complain about the cost of the trip, being left out, suggesting to younger colleagues that the extended trip is a 'team thing' and as such we should do everything together (it very much is not) and suggesting ridiculous activities that nobody wants to do, eg, a 5k run!

This will be an expensive trip (we think about £1000 for food, drinks & entertainment PP for the additional 3 nights), but we all knew that beforehand and have had six months to save. She has no children and still lives at home. We are all well paid.

Today, she has dropped the bombshell that she has booked herself a flight home 24 hours early, at a cost of more than £500 (plus transfers). As she's not a big drinker/eater, this will likely end up being the more expensive option than staying the last night!

Some of the younger team members (who she has been leaning on quite heavily with the guilt) are now a bit annoyed/upset. They feel that she lied about not being able to afford taxis in order to get her own way. They are also worried that the trip will end up being ruined by her complaining, and the awkwardness of her refusing to split cabs, bills etc, which has occurred on previous work trips.

Despite the trip being gifted, everyone is spending a lot of their own money to be there and a couple of people have mentioned privately that they will outright refuse to share a cab/table with her.

We don't have much of an organisational hierarchy (small core team), but as a senior member of staff I have been asked by others to speak to her.

Surely she is being very unreasonable here, but how do I navigate this?

AIBU to ask her to give it a rest with the complaining/money talk? Or am I going to risk making it worse if she knows people have complained?

You pair are ridiculous!

Just worth reiterating all of this.
Also agree that it's quite amazing that only one person has not felt comfortable about the offer from the company. There are so many possible factors in December/ 20 days away from Christmas, if you celebrate it, that would make it quite a difficult thing to accept for a lot of people.

But then you decline the trip and get flights booked back at usual time.

I’m not sure there’s that much of a conundrum. I wouldn’t say anything. You and your colleagues do as you like, if she whines just tell her to stop moaning.

I would be able to be friendly with a colleague and not want to sub their dinners, taxis and rounds.

She has form for not paying her way. This isn’t bullying or exclusionary behaviour; people are just asserting their boundaries.

She’s brought this on herself.

OP you talk about this close knit, all in it together, selected for the dynamic, teamwork makes the dream work etc etc on one hand.

Then describe a clearly unhappy colleague, a load of bitching about her being a freeloader, escalating rapidly into no one wanting to do any of her suggested activities and then not even wanting to share a cab or meal with her and nominating you to tell her she’s unliked and unwelcome.

You sound more like a clique and she’s not welcome in it.
She sounds like she’s floundering a bit to find her place, worrying about money (even if you think she doesn’t need to- no one knows anyone else’s real financial situation), got snubbed by no one showing any interest when she suggested shared activities and she’s now over reacting and flying home early.

Your junior colleagues suggesting you have a word would be reasonable if they were concerned and wanted you to check in with her and see she’s ok. But what are they actually suggesting- that you tell her in advance everyone is thinking badly of her and want her to what ?? Modify her behaviour ?? Not stay for the holiday?

The only thing I would be saying to her is asking if she’s ok. Stop the bitching about her- it won’t end well and really doesn’t fit with your description of a close knit group.

Complaining about what? An extra trip you chose to go on?

I understand the point you're making, but I must point out that nobody has been 'stiffed' - I'm talking about sitting with three people, accepting a drink off each of them, then saying you can get a round in when it's your turn. When we travel with work we get a Per Diem paid at the end of the month, so there's no excuse not to pay your share for food, or at the very least offer to pay back if you're a bit short.

Personally I think that's bad form, but opinions may vary!

We are certainly not 'up ourselves' and I completely understand the financial side of things! I originally wasn't going to go myself because it didn't seem worth it, but my partner convinced me that it would be the cheapest way I'd ever get to experience the place 🤷🏻‍♂️

I do accept that given everyone disagreed with her, she may feel like she's on a bit of an island. There is absolutely no way she would be 'abandoned' unless she absolutely wanted to be on their own though.

Tbh this sounds like hell to me.
I would feel very pressurised to spend lots of money and feel left out. Just because you’re paid well doesn’t mean she’s financially secure. She might have debts, be saving to move out or something else.
You say the ‘younger colleagues’ want you to have a word with her so they clearly want her told off. It feels like she’s unwelcome before she goes.
I can see how she thought this would feel safe if she thought everyone would be doing things together. Maybe the lack of structure and the lack of knowing what she’s doing and how much it might cost is giving her anxiety? It would be to me and I think I’m a lot older reading between the lines. If I was essentially going to be left on my own I wouldn’t want to be out of the centre either. I’d pay more to stay centrally and have done when I’ve travelled solo.
I don’t think it’s generous of the company if it’s time you have to spend with your colleagues. I like my colleagues but I don’t spend leave with them.
If she still lives at home I can understand why all this seems very daunting to her and she’s thrown money at the problem to escape home.

I don't understand why she's decided to stay for the extra few days rather than fly back at the end of the worky part.

Was it really truly painted as totally optional, not one of these 'optional of course... but if you don't stay and take part then you'll miss out on other work opportunities and everyone will think you smell faintly of botty so it'd be a shitty career move ' type things?

Has she been with the company long enough to know that it was truly optional?

I think it is a bit mixed up and for someone of a slightly anxious temperament, the 'we're not doing joint activities but we ARE sharing taxis and so need to co-ordinate to some degree' might feel a bit precarious and as if she may miss the taxi home if her activity doesn't tally up time-wise with someone elses.

Or you know its entirely possible she is just a dick.

But if people won't share a cab or a table with her she would be abandoned, wouldn't she? Maybe they have good reasons not to but from her point of view it doesn't sound like it's going to be a fun trip.

I don't like her either, she sounds like an absolute pain in the arse......hell nobody likes people like that.

Thanks for your reply and I take on your points.

Your junior colleagues suggesting you have a word would be reasonable if they were concerned and wanted you to check in with her and see she’s ok. But what are they actually suggesting- that you tell her in advance everyone is thinking badly of her and want her to what ?? Modify her behaviour ?? Not stay for the holiday?

Just to be clear, everyone doesn't think badly of her. The junior colleagues in question felt the brunt of her (intentionally or not) trying to guilt trip them into sharing rooms, or taking part in certain activities. They also didn't want to be left picking up a large bill.

They are closer in age to her than the rest of us and were worried it would reflect badly on them if she were to make a fuss about being 'ditched'. They are also very young and in their first 'real' jobs.

The only thing I would be saying to her is asking if she’s ok. Stop the bitching about her- it won’t end well and really doesn’t fit with your description of a close knit group.

I completely agree. As I have said in other replies, the push back from her here has been quite strange, and her decision to pay so much money to leave just 24 hours before the rest of us makes little sense as it likely would have been cheaper to stay or as someone pointed out, ask if we could change her flight.

Thanks for your input 👍

Perhaps time for a bit of self reflection then as to why people dont want to spend time with her.

Seems that the juniors want the OP to say "Look, you are a moocher. You take from others but dont reciprocate and thats why no one wants to share with you or go into a round with you" as they dont feel able to.

And to be honest, seems fair to me.

I should have been clearer - the people saying they don't want to share with her are the younger folk that she leaned on a bit to hard when trying to get her own way with the rooms. She's irked them a bit and they just want a hassle free good time.

There's a whole bunch of us, different ages, interests, plans, lack of plans etc going.

I do think this is fair also. I was always raised to stand my round with friends and especially colleagues, or politely decline.

As it is expensive place I would be suggesting individuals bills. If that would be frown upon, perhaps a kitty upfront where everyone chips in before meal/entertainment.

Every buys their own drinks. If you are doing rounds and she has form I would suggest she’s gets the first round. Frame it as we want everyone to know what they are paying for and no surprises. Helping with budgeting etc.

Same with taxi. If you know that taxi will be the equivalent of £80 get a kitty before getting in. That way it is only divided between people happy to pay/use. If you are not happy you don’t get in. Yes, it would still cost the same as being divided by three but not supporting a freeloader who moans can’t pay afterwards.

If things are set out beforehand no reason to moan about costs.

I agree, and I expect (as someone said in one of the first replies) that there may be some anxiety issues with her being alone in a strange place that have made her react in a way that's irked others.

Just to reiterate though, there's no way she would have been 'abandoned' alone, unless she absolutely wanted to be.

Way over the HMRC limit, hope you're ready to get taxed on the value of the gift

Send a group email round trying to lay out some ground rules- eg saying that as its an expensive destination close to Christmas, your preference is that everyone pays for their own meals /drinks rather than split bills evenly, everyone sharing a taxi will need to pay their own share of the cost, etc. Make it super clear that noone will be subsidising anyone else.

We're a fairly small team. Only two people with dependent children. A bunch in their 20s and single.

We were in the country working anyway (we have been at this time of year for the last five-six years) so it's only a case of three extra nights, with six months notice.

People would probably be happy to share a taxi with her if she could be trusted to pay her way. As it is, she’s a CF who goes out eating and drinking with the team and then refuses to pay her share.

I'm struggling to work out what the younger colleagues want you to do/are unhappy with because nothing has actually happened yet. She might have moaned/tried to guilt trip them but it didn't work - none of them agreed to, for example, share a room with her when they would have preferred to have their own, or signed up for her 5k run. So I would just reassure them that they should just do whatever they want to do and don't feel they have to do anything with her, as has always been the original plan.

The only exception would be if everyone is meeting to do something, e.g. go for a meal in the evening then yes it would be mean for you all to refuse to share a taxi with her, but you can mitigate this by all meeting at the hotel lobby at a set time and then make sure that you or other senior colleagues go in a taxi with her rather than it splitting into older/younger so the same ones are always with her. At the end of the day, if it's £20 per ride and you're only there for 3 days there will only be so many taxi trips, it won't be a huge financial loss even if she doesn't pay for her fair share (although obviously bad form!).

Encourage everyone to just pay for their own drinks separately rather than doing rounds - again this isn't something you specifically need to have a word with early-flight colleague about, just tell other colleagues to do it if they are worried about reciprocal spending and again if you are all out for a meal or activity together lead by example. But other than that you can't make anyone do anything, if two of them decide to go X activity and don't tell her about it because they are annoyed at her, they can. It's not 'work time' they don't all have to hang out together all the time. Just let her get on with what she wants to do and reiterate to the other employees that it's their holiday and up to them what they spend their time doing and who they do it with.

tbh I'm sort of with her on the taxi thing - if the plan is for everyone to do their own thing then you're talking £80 per day for taxi to and from city for a day activity, back to change, then out and back again for the night, which adds up. But it does seem like this was all explained to her beforehand, and, as you've said, if you're that worried about the costs of a few £20 taxis you'd just come straight home after the work event, or plan a chilled out 3 days in the hotel room only going out once or twice, not do the worst of both worlds, (2 days of expensive sightseeing AND £500 on an unnecessary flight 1 day earlier than the free one).

My money is on Vegas or similar.

Don't be silly, it's our Christmas party 😅