Keep the magic or he should grow up now

[Glitterfish]

My DS is a lovely chatting outgoing boy but he is very innocent. He has just started secondary this year and seems to be settling in very well.

However in the last week he started mentioning Santa and asking where Elfie is. Now I thought he knew last year as he was talking about cost of his gift in advance and whether he should ask Santa or not and so assumed it was all over in terms of Santa but he was just keeping up a pretence (as kids do). He hasn't said much about Santa this year - one or 2 passing references but he was getting a bit upset yesterday and today that Elfie hadn't made an appearance yet.

What do I do?
YABU: Tell him now (and potentially ruin the magic of Christmas)
YANBU: Wait till after Christmas (although he may potentially mention something in school and face ridicule)

PS. We do have a very nice Elfie (wooden with handmade clothes so I don't mind it around :).

No plenty still believe, which is why the others need to keep their mouths shut & not be bullies.

@Glitterfish no you don't need to tell him,

he'll believe as long as he wants to. If he asks then just say 'he's real if you believe'

.why spoil his innocent enjoyment??

Telling bullies not to be bullies. That'll work a treat!

Raymond Brigg's wonderful Father Christmas is who I believe in, even now.
A slightly grumpy old geezer with a faithful dog, cat and a couple of Reindeer.
Loved that book so much!

And I agree that they shouldn't bully but the reality is that they will. I also think there's a difference between secondary school kids who say they believe with a nod and a wink and a secondary school kid who firmly believes it's real and their parents won't tell them- it feels a bit setting them up to fail to me. I ask myself in that situation-who is benefitting most from pretending santa is real.

I watch the film every year!

I’d make sure he definitely knows by next Christmas but I wouldn’t want to spoil it so close to this Christmas if he really does believe.

Bullies are bullies and will bully for any reason. I wouldn’t tell just based on that.

My secondary school DD kept asking when her elf would appear this year. It never occured to me that she actually believed - I just think she likes the fun of it and wants things to continue. I won't be sitting her down and telling her either, because saying it out loud would spoil the childhood pretence of it for her. I also don't think she'll mention it at school - I think she's clever enough to know that there's a time and a place for this sort of fun.

I don't remember being told as a child either, but of course I knew it wasn't real.

Wait! Secondary school!? I think it’s way past time to drop casually into conversation that elves aren’t real. Tell him Elfie has departed on the last ship to the West if you must.

Why not just say “I haven’t had time to put him out yet but I can do it next week. Do you have any ideas for his antics this year?”

This way he can get involved and have fun with it without thinking it’s real and embarrassing himself at school.

PS one extra Christmas of “magic” for a lifetime of slagging? Doesn’t seem worth it to me!

Buddha was a historical person. So I definitely believe in him.

Allah and God- definitely the same God, with different interpretations.

Hinduism- inclusive enough religion to hold all the above beliefs at once.

I wonder if it’s more that childhood is cut so short now, with kids having smartphones so young and most of them accidentally viewing pornography in primary school etc. that it’s a psychological reaction against all that? The part of their brains that’s still crying out to be childish but not really given enough opportunities clings on to the innocence of the myth?

I don't ever recall a conversation in secondary about believing or not believing in Santa, he isn't going to get bullied for it. I still got presents from "Santa" under the tree until I moved out at 21, of course we knew but there was never a conversation, we played along for the magic and tradition and there's no harm in that.

As a child I asked how Father Christmas could come down our chimneys when they had been closed off..
Dad said ''He has his ways''...I think I knew it was mum ands dad- but the magic and excitement, the run to to Christmas, with the Nativity Play, the Class Christmas Party, it was wonderful.. the crinkly sound of a lumpy stocking as it was hung on the bedpost-
I desperately wanted a rocking horse, and pleaded on my lists to Father Christmas that I'd be very good, and have one for christmases and Birthdays combined...only to be told that it wouldn't be possible.

I used to dream of getting one...Was an adult before I bought my own one, on big curved rockers, just like my dream!

Yes that's what I'd do. 'Oh you still want Elfie this year? Wink, wink. I suppose Santa's little helper here can help out!' and hopefully he will get it.

I love your attitude.

These threads make me feel so sad because my grandson was told about Santa by his dad (who coparents him) a couple of days before Christmas when he was four. Totally devastated him and his mum (my daughter). 😢 of course he has since told his little sister too.
and this year their dad has told them they’re getting no presents 😔

at least they will have a happy time when they are with my daughter (and me).

Having fun traditions and believing in Santa / magic elves are two different things. At his age he really shouldn't be doing the latter, but there's nothing wrong with having fun will an elf doll and getting a stocking.

Unless he has additional needs, I cannot believe that a secondary school child would still believe in the Santa / magic elf stuff, tbh. I really doubt you would be bursting any bubble by telling him.

I think that so much thought an effort goes in to preserving the belief when they're little that kids don't pick up the clues and I think that is where it goes wrong. The clues should be there so that the kids can figure it out themselves.

We did Father Christmas and I have still never admitted to them that I fill their stockings. They do know though but still play along (they're late teen and early 20s).

It is a family tradition, it's fun and we have never at any point sat them down and told them. One we said to the older one to keep their theories to themself she they questioned it... and I always gave non committal answers 'who else do you think fills your stocking?' 'do you think I have time?' 'I always put tags on presents so you know who to say thank you to'

We never use special secret Santa wrapping paper, did elf on a shelf or Christmas Eve boxes. We give great stockings, full of lovely stuff, not tat, and we all hang our stocking sup on Christmas Eve, the whole family, not just kids - but the kids grew up knowing that Mum and Dad do each others. But Mum and Dad get some of the same stuff (we have some things we all get every year). One of them asked why they write letters to Father Christmas asking for gifts that then come from Grandparetns and father Christmas only does stockings... all these little anomalies add up and as they get older they figure it out. no one gets bullies and it really doesn't get that stressful.

I mean I could post the other 18,000 types of gods that people believe in but that might detract from the thread
The main point is that adults believe all sorts of stuff and not all of it can be true.

My boy would have been about 6 when he came to me and said he didn’t believe. I just asked him what he did believe and said that he was ok to believe that but don’t tell his younger sister. At no point and he is now 15 after that has Christmas not been magical for him. You are basically now lying to him and he will at some point think you have made a fool of him.

How lucky we were, those of us born before smartphones were an everyday thing.

The only porn we saw as children was the occasional ''boob'' picture in a ''stockings and suspenders'' type magazine dumped in a playground from ''Playboy''.
Absolutely nothing hardcore, no genitals and nothing like videos which I can imagine could be very confusing and upsetting to a child.

I think you need to tell him to protect him from ridicule. But I agree with pp who said he might be missing the traditional of Elfie. Once you've set him straight, could Elfie make a reappearance simply as a decoration?

I had this dilemma when dd went into high-school she has additional needs and was bullied enough with other things so I told her and she very definitely appreciated being told and now enjoys being part of the team !

I'm really struggling to envisage how a 10/11 year old without any additional needs wouldn't have figured it out themselves!

The kids I know have pretty much twigged around age 7 or 8. They play along with the fun, but they say things that give away that they know it's all pretend.

Maybe you can approach it from a "letting him in on the secret" angle? Emphasizing how grown-up he's getting so he can now be trusted with this sacred information 😉And then let him be a part of the behind-the-scenes magic and have HIM hide/set up the Elf for YOU if he wants!

Why no presents??
That's incredibly mean if they are still children.

Telling a child that Father Christmas isn't real is a mean move as well, when they are so very young.