Keep the magic or he should grow up now

[Glitterfish]

My DS is a lovely chatting outgoing boy but he is very innocent. He has just started secondary this year and seems to be settling in very well.

However in the last week he started mentioning Santa and asking where Elfie is. Now I thought he knew last year as he was talking about cost of his gift in advance and whether he should ask Santa or not and so assumed it was all over in terms of Santa but he was just keeping up a pretence (as kids do). He hasn't said much about Santa this year - one or 2 passing references but he was getting a bit upset yesterday and today that Elfie hadn't made an appearance yet.

What do I do?
YABU: Tell him now (and potentially ruin the magic of Christmas)
YANBU: Wait till after Christmas (although he may potentially mention something in school and face ridicule)

PS. We do have a very nice Elfie (wooden with handmade clothes so I don't mind it around :).

To be honest after my dad died (when I was 29, I’d just started dating my now husband). I made a big deal about how excited I was for my stocking from Santa and I still get one.

Even now when we wrap our 5yo’s presents and fill his stocking, I get one. My husband gets one too.

I should add I caught my dad filling my stocking when I was 3 or 4 and had gone to the toilet. I don’t know if he saw but I still felt the magic age 12 at least. I never told my dad I knew about how Santa really worked but from age 7 my parents suddenly started getting stockings too. I told my Nana I thought it would be nice. I regret I didn’t think to get her one, not that I had access to money to spend in secret before she died anyway, but then again she didn’t do my stocking so I guess that’s what made sense. And she came at lunch time after stockings.

Literally never told my dad and made out I had nothing to do with his stockings

Mine do have additional needs but they are all stubborn.

1 absolutely doesn't care what anyone thinks he is sarcastic and unafraid to stand up to anyone who tried to belittle anything he believes in.

1 wears his label of weird with pride and is quick to tell people he will believe what he wants and if they don't like it tough.

The youngest very much cares what people think and say but she tends to scowl and get angry if people tell her what to believe.

I won't apologise for things they think, feel or believe and I won't let them either. I refuse to try and change anything about them to make other people feel better.

Ask him straight what he believes and support whatever that is don't lead him to what other people say he should believe. The world is hard and horrible why wouldn't anyone want to believe in the possibility of magic, wonder or anything else that makes it feel a bit more special and less harsh?

Children and young people still need a touch of magic, even if it doesn't come from imaginary beings.

The way that I broke the news with my children was by taking some 1:1 time to have a chat about Santa and "his helpers". My children had already seen that I'll go off to volunteer at Christmas to make things brighter for others and I always told them that it was because I was one of Santa's helpers.

So when the children started expressing some doubt in their belief in Santa, because of things that their schoolmates would say, I had the "Santa chat" with each of them, privately. Hooked them in with, "I have the very best secret to tell you about Santa and his helpers... we are all Santa's helpers." They took to that extremely well, and were much more involved in decorating, gift wrapping and Christmas giving.

Hopefully you can draw on some of that.

Happy Saint Nicholas Day to any and all who mark it.

Completely agree with this!

Well you don't know where the child goes to school. Whether it's in a sink estate ghetto area, or the rolling hills of Yorkshire. So this is uninformed advice.

Maybe so, but it is very clear that many do, and I dont think it is at all pleasant to think it is smart or funny to revel in being part of that.

I live in the rolling hills of Yorkshire and I can tell you that it's not a magical place that's free of bullying and nastiness. Nor is affluence or a fee-paying school a guarantee of not being bullied.

Bullying happens everywhere, to children from all sections of society. To think otherwise is naive in the extreme.

I was brought up Jehovah's Witness so had no experience of Santa or even Christmas. To me there is no 'magic' - it's just a story. There are no emotions tied up in it.

But I did experience social exclusion - at school in particular. I hated being different and was wiling to accept a lie as truth to fit in.

I can understand religious recognition but am still really confused where fabricating reality for children under the guise of 'magic' fits into that.

Is this supposed to teach children that those they most trust will go to elaborate lengths to deceive them?

DH did the Santa lie so DS weren't excluded but then we had to do the Santa truth so DS weren't bullied.

Forgive my black and white thinking but this makes no sense.

Yes, but equally there are loads of parents on this thread whose children haven't been bullied for it, and there's nothing naive about them sharing that experience.

I've heard enough stories of children being upset to be sat down and told it's a lie. I kind of agree with @PocketSand that it's odd to construct a lie and then crack it over their heads, so maybe don't. OP has plenty of ideas now hopefully, if she wants to take a different path.

I probably start by not saying "we have an Elfie" if you want him to speak in a more grown up way around his peers because you fear ridicule.

But his name IS Elfie.

I know my aunt thought my cousin believed when he'd got as far as year 7 (my mum asked her when he left the room "Does Cousin....believe?" and she said he did). I was in year 6 at the time and thought it was hilarious that Cousin had got as far as year 7 still believing (I'd twigged a few years earlier after having realised that Santa used the same wrapping paper as my parents every year; given the reaction I got when I tried to say I didn't believe, I ended up playing along to keep the peace for another 2 Christmases) but didn't take the piss to his face.

Years later I was thinking about it and decided that he probably had stopped believing long since and was just playing along at that point (he had a sister in Year 2 at the time who did still believe). Having said that, the subject came up at work once and my ex-manager did say she'd had to sit her son down and tell him during the summer before he started secondary school rather than have him get laughed at by the other Year 7s.

keep the magi alive as long as possible for him. He probably knows that Elfie is your doing but likes the idea & doesn't want it to end. Chances are he doesn't believe in Santa but plays along with it. I never told my kids Santa wasn't real & they never got bullied at school, they just 'found out' or guessed but I wanted to have the lovely memories of past Christmases. They still get a stocking full of sweets & bits & they're 23 & 27 now & love it.