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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Keep the magic or he should grow up now

314 replies

Glitterfish · 04/12/2024 18:02

My DS is a lovely chatting outgoing boy but he is very innocent. He has just started secondary this year and seems to be settling in very well.

However in the last week he started mentioning Santa and asking where Elfie is. Now I thought he knew last year as he was talking about cost of his gift in advance and whether he should ask Santa or not and so assumed it was all over in terms of Santa but he was just keeping up a pretence (as kids do). He hasn't said much about Santa this year - one or 2 passing references but he was getting a bit upset yesterday and today that Elfie hadn't made an appearance yet.

What do I do?
YABU: Tell him now (and potentially ruin the magic of Christmas)
YANBU: Wait till after Christmas (although he may potentially mention something in school and face ridicule)

PS. We do have a very nice Elfie (wooden with handmade clothes so I don't mind it around :).

OP posts:
YourRubyBeaker · 04/12/2024 18:16

I’m of the opinion that you tell a child in the summer time before they start secondary school - if you genuinely think they still believe in all honesty most kids are just going along with it at that point though.

On the off chance he really does believe then what his friends say won’t shake him as they will have been saying stuff for a year or two. In that case December is not the time for this revelation.

I would put money on him not actually believing though, just wants to make sure he gets his presents and keep your Christmas traditions alive.

cestlavielife · 04/12/2024 18:16

Hey ds I found elfie here he is. What should he do tonight. Let s set it up and surprise xxx (if you live with other parent
If he says I thought he moved himself say yeh it was a great game / trick .... but we can still have fun with him this year

Tink3rbell30 · 04/12/2024 18:17

No you ever crush them by telling them outright. They work it out themselves.

Tink3rbell30 · 04/12/2024 18:17

*Never

nadine90 · 04/12/2024 18:17

Could he accidentally overhear you asking DP to get the elf down from the loft as DS asked for it - cue "oh, are we still doing the santa thing as well then? aww isn't it sweet he still believes, I'd worked it out before I started secondary..."

Deadringer · 04/12/2024 18:18

Tell him where elfie is kept and let him know that he is in charge of him now that he is in secondary school.

Jifmicroliquid · 04/12/2024 18:18

I’m guessing he knows but wants to keep the magic alive. I’d just get the elf out and do what you normally do.

I’m betting that he knows Santa doesn’t exist, but Christmas for him is your little family traditions and he wants to keep that.

Viviennemary · 04/12/2024 18:20

Most children wouldnt believe when they get to secondary school. You can keep up the traditions but he needs to be aware of the truth.

Circumferences · 04/12/2024 18:21

I'd assume he likes "Elfie" because it's a part of your family's Christmas tradition, not that he really believes Santa is real.

beetr00 · 04/12/2024 18:21

MuggleMe · 04/12/2024 18:05

I was still getting stockings until I got married.

but did you still believe in Father Christmas? 😆not quite the same really 🎄

WorkCleanRepeat · 04/12/2024 18:22

At his age I'd make sure he knows the truth but I'd happily keep traditions that he enjoys.

ginasevern · 04/12/2024 18:22

I'm amazed at the amount of nearly secondary school kids who still believe in Santa. There's been a few posts lately, and last year too. I was a 1960's kid and all of us (except a very few children with what we'd now call special needs) knew by the time we were about 8 years old - some even younger. Things seem to have regressed. Anyway, your son needs to know before he starts secondary or he will be bullied or at the very least teased, which won't be very magical.

cantkeepawayforever · 04/12/2024 18:22

I’d get Elfie out and plan with your son what he should do to surprise his dad (if he lives with you). Or you could say ‘ooh, excellent plan, I’ll think of something tonight, then could it be your turn tomorrow? What was your favourite idea from last year?’

Part of the fun of Christmas- we still have stockings, all the way from early 20s dd to late 80s grandma - is being ‘in on the joke’ but keeping traditions going even so.

user2848502016 · 04/12/2024 18:24

Tell him! Secondary school is far too old to be believing in Santa!
I have a 9 (almost 10) year old "believer" and this is the last year definitely

hopelessmary · 04/12/2024 18:24

Tink3rbell30 · 04/12/2024 18:17

No you ever crush them by telling them outright. They work it out themselves.

Agree. Leave him be. He'll work it out. No one told me outright. He might be playing along as he loves the tradition. Sitting him down and saying 'the last 11 years of your christmasses has been a lie' (or something to that effect) is totally unnecessary

ItWasntMyFault · 04/12/2024 18:25

Tell him so he's not laughed at but keep up with the traditions.
If I can still get a stocking in my mid fifties I'm sure your ds can.

TeenLifeMum · 04/12/2024 18:27

My dc still “believe” - 13 and 16. Not once have they been bullied for it. They clearly do know. Dd1 is nearly 17. Just keep playing the game. I still get a Father Christmas stocking when we stay at my parent’s house (usually gin and chocolate these days). At 42 I’ve never confessed I don’t believe 😂

HelpMeGetThrough · 04/12/2024 18:27

Tink3rbell30 · 04/12/2024 18:17

No you ever crush them by telling them outright. They work it out themselves.

And risk that he does somehow still believe and goes into school and says something?

He'd be toast with the other kids if he did that.

Paddymcpaddy · 04/12/2024 18:27

Oh leave him! We had this with our DV last year, summer born just started secondary… I foolishly thought I should say something and started a convo only to get a LOOK that stopped me in my tracks, and a ‘are you trying to ruin Xmas’ from my Child!
They knew/ semi still believed. We had Christmas. Santa came. Now this year Santa ( wink wink) is still doing stockings apparently…

cantkeepawayforever · 04/12/2024 18:28

ginasevern · 04/12/2024 18:22

I'm amazed at the amount of nearly secondary school kids who still believe in Santa. There's been a few posts lately, and last year too. I was a 1960's kid and all of us (except a very few children with what we'd now call special needs) knew by the time we were about 8 years old - some even younger. Things seem to have regressed. Anyway, your son needs to know before he starts secondary or he will be bullied or at the very least teased, which won't be very magical.

IME, parents now seem to put far more effort into ‘the magic of Christmas’, which they see as synonymous with ‘believing in Father Christmas’. Now many of the ‘traditional religion-based elements’ of Christmas - crib, Christingle and carol services, carol singing round the town - as well as the lower key ‘Father Christmas coming round on the Rotary sleigh’ or ‘walk round town to see the lights’ or collecting the Christmas tree have declined, a hyper-focus on the importance of ‘belief in Santa’ seems to have taken its place.

TeenLifeMum · 04/12/2024 18:28

ginasevern · 04/12/2024 18:22

I'm amazed at the amount of nearly secondary school kids who still believe in Santa. There's been a few posts lately, and last year too. I was a 1960's kid and all of us (except a very few children with what we'd now call special needs) knew by the time we were about 8 years old - some even younger. Things seem to have regressed. Anyway, your son needs to know before he starts secondary or he will be bullied or at the very least teased, which won't be very magical.

Absolute nonsense. They know but play the game. No need to say it outright.

YourRubyBeaker · 04/12/2024 18:30

TeenLifeMum · 04/12/2024 18:28

Absolute nonsense. They know but play the game. No need to say it outright.

Show quote history

This. 1000 times this.
They are just playing along - just like most of us did when we figured it out.

TeenLifeMum · 04/12/2024 18:31

Reading this, maybe parents need to teach their kids not to be bullying arseholes.

Littletreefrog · 04/12/2024 18:32

cantkeepawayforever · 04/12/2024 18:28

IME, parents now seem to put far more effort into ‘the magic of Christmas’, which they see as synonymous with ‘believing in Father Christmas’. Now many of the ‘traditional religion-based elements’ of Christmas - crib, Christingle and carol services, carol singing round the town - as well as the lower key ‘Father Christmas coming round on the Rotary sleigh’ or ‘walk round town to see the lights’ or collecting the Christmas tree have declined, a hyper-focus on the importance of ‘belief in Santa’ seems to have taken its place.

Show quote history

I think the parents are mostly doing it for themselves these days. We all managed to enjoy Christmas without the Elf, Christmas Eve box, increasingly extravagant visits to Santa etc. it's getting a lot now and then parents wonder why the kids are basically climbing the walls from the 1st December.

I think Santa was more believable when there was just a vague idea of him, the whole story with sending the Elves in advance thing had just got so convoluted.

cunningartificer · 04/12/2024 18:33

I really don't get the idea that you have to tell children as they'll be bullied... truly as a teacher there aren't a lot of conversations around about Santa in secondary and he's very likely to have had to negotiate them in primary. A school with children that would use this to torment others has bigger problems which you'd already know about and they wouldn't wait for Santa as an excuse to bully him! I agree he may well know but still like the magic, so by all means suspend the disbelief unless you also watch films with him pointing out the stunt doubles and explaining how the plots are not really realistic. Assuming you are not using Santa as a terrifying threat or anything, it's a very innocent tradition that suggests the universe might have spontaneous lovely things in it. For goodness sake keep the tradition and don't make a big deal of sitting him down to tell him about it. Working out about Santa is part of learning how you can not believe in someone's tradition but still honour it, being kind to younger siblings, etc etc.