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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little bit sad that I won't receive Christmas presents any more?

255 replies

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 14:11

I'm aware this is Mumsnet, so I should be happy with my massive salad and thimble of sherry at Christmas, as anything else would make me incredibly selfish and childish. But I do feel a teensy bit sad that I have ended up in a situation where I receive zero Christmas presents, not having any surprises to unwrap.

For context - no children. Mum deceased and dad is distant and buys gifts so bad they're borderline offensive, he's also pleading poverty this year (he's well off, im not a priority) so we agreed to go for a meal at some point instead. It's for the best.

Rest of the family have moved towards buying gifts for children only (and TBF there's not many, no one expects expensive gifts so I don't mind this, although obviously there's none to come to us). I have a partner who is lovely and is good in many ways but is just so, so bad at buying gifts that a few years ago we decided not to bother. It isn't weaponised incompetence, just not his thing. He doesn't expect gifts in return, he's very pragmatic - if he wants something he'd rather buy it himself and get exactly what he wants/needs so he doesn't really enjoy gifts being brought for him. Instead of a work secret santa we're donating to a food bank.

Im not (usually!) materialistic so I am surprised that this makes me feel a bit sad, any alternative ideas for making Christmas feel a bit special, as a grown up?

OP posts:
MumOfOneAllAlone · 04/12/2024 18:02

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 17:59

For the poster who suggested partner was being insensitive after I'd lost my mum, it's not how that might seem. Apologies to anyone who is struggling with the loss of a parent, but, well, mine wasn't a loss, life got a bit easier. It's more that I don't really have adults in my life who would do gifts (most have other, much closer family to buy for)

Partner has in the past really tried... It's just one of those things that's for the best! I think him taking me out for a nice meal is a good alternative, he 'gets' that and he has good taste in restaurants at least!

@Onceachunkymonkey my dad isn't a typical dad, it's hard to explain but it's really not that sort of relationship. My parents shouldn't have ever married or had children, one thing our era is much better for is encouraging people to think and make choices before having children!

I think you’re too understanding and need to think about yourself more. x

Acommonreader · 04/12/2024 18:03

HelloClouds · 04/12/2024 14:28

This is where a fabulous and expensive advent calendar comes in handy. At least there’s the element of surprise!

This is a tremendous idea. I have a birthday in December and don’t get anything for that or Xmas usually. I’m definitely getting a fancy advent calendar for myself . Thank you !

snotathing · 04/12/2024 18:03

Needmorelego · 04/12/2024 14:27

Give your partner a list of five specific things you would like and tell him you would like to receive at least one on Christmas Day wrapped in nice paper.

Do this. Definitely. We all need something to open at Christmas.

Original poster
Wimberry · 04/12/2024 18:07

@MumOfOneAllAlone he does make me feel valued in many ways, just not gift giving. He's generous with his time, his money, he appreciates the things I do & if he can make my life easier he will. He just has the gift giving skills of a bachelor uncle from the seventies somehow.
If I gave him a list he would certainly buy from it, but I don't feel comfortable with it being one sided (that's my issue not his)

Remember we don't have children, so there perhaps isn't the disparity that might feel more pertinent to others - our relationship, workload etc is pretty equal.

OP posts:
MumOfOneAllAlone · 04/12/2024 18:12

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 18:07

@MumOfOneAllAlone he does make me feel valued in many ways, just not gift giving. He's generous with his time, his money, he appreciates the things I do & if he can make my life easier he will. He just has the gift giving skills of a bachelor uncle from the seventies somehow.
If I gave him a list he would certainly buy from it, but I don't feel comfortable with it being one sided (that's my issue not his)

Remember we don't have children, so there perhaps isn't the disparity that might feel more pertinent to others - our relationship, workload etc is pretty equal.

You’ve been through so much girl. I just think you deserve to be treated and showered with gifts.

As previous posters have said, I’d give him a list to ask him to buy from. Things don’t always have to be equal al of the time, you can be taken care of. I think that’s what you need 🥺❤️

JaceLancs · 04/12/2024 18:12

I was a lone parent from DC being 4 and 5 and my parents were often out of the country so I used to buy myself a small treat or something new to wear on Xmas day for them to ‘give’ me
I have carried on this with a much bigger budget as I’ve grown older (60 now) and buy myself an item of clothing, accessories or jewellery beyond what I would normally consider - I don’t wrap it up though just wear or use it for the first time on Xmas day

Doggymummar · 04/12/2024 18:15

My partner and I don't do present either, we get what we want throughout the year. I don't mind. I'm sorry it makes you sad tho. Can you change the situation?

GiddyRobin · 04/12/2024 18:21

A bit of a different situation because DH and family do buy good gifts...but call me selfish, I buy myself a small pile every year anyway! I know exactly what I want. Usually:

A book I want
Pyjamas
Some bath items from Lush
A new jumper and skirt
Socks
Sometimes a small piece of jewellery.

Often I'll get these things anyway, but I value treating myself to the specifics. Go for it, OP! It feels lovely knowing you've got some bits to settle down with.

Middlemarch123 · 04/12/2024 18:23

Get yourself one of those fancy advent calendars, not a choccy one, a nice gift or beauty one, but don’t open any of the doors until Xmas day. DH can pay for it.
If you like animals how about sponsoring one? I did this for a hard to buy for friend one year and she loved it. A Siberian Tiger! She got a photo and stuff and links so she could follow the tigers. you could save the pack to Xmas day? Obvs DH will pay.

NikKai · 04/12/2024 18:41

It works so well for me. Last valentines day my boy (one and half) got me some red roses. For Christmas he's got me my favourite perfume, some make up and hair stuff, and snow boots (im fed up of having a beautifully dressed child while i look homeless haha)
Hes a very clever boy he always knows just what mummy wants 😍

It sounds silly but i cant recommend this enough, whether it's from your baby, your cat dog or fish, it really helps. I refuse to sit here miserable, sad, and missing out. Its silly!

AndThereSheGoes · 04/12/2024 18:50

I've got the exact opposite issue but sort of the same result.
My other half buys lovely expensive presents for me because HE loves buying stuff. He just throws money at it.
Most years it makes me cross that he's spent £100 on slippers ( yes he really did) when I don't wear them, or £30 on a candle in my stocking when I get lots of equally nice ones from work.

I suggested a wine advent calendar and it's been completely brilliant. Cute little bottles, lovely box. A little surprise treat everyday if I fancy a wine after work or I normally save them up. I get to try lots of wines I don't know. And there's a nice bottle for Christmas Day. So much better than pointless stuff just because.

junenotoffred · 04/12/2024 19:40

HPandthelastwish · 04/12/2024 15:35

For those of you who are single parents to small children. When I first started to buy myself gifts I would heavily hint at the things I would like and the Elf would deliver them to DD with wrapping bits so she could wrap them / put them in gift bags. She would keep it a secret until Christmas morning when she'd come in proudly holding her present to me 😆

I do this - DD absolutely loves it!

MumOfOneAllAlone · 04/12/2024 19:57

junenotoffred · 04/12/2024 19:40

I do this - DD absolutely loves it!

Show quote history

What a great idea. I’m gonna do this with my DD 🥺🥰

protectthesmallones · 04/12/2024 20:22

I order mine and use my husband's credit card. He wraps them and I don't get them until Christmas.

A friend once said 'an unexpected gift is still a shock'

She's right, don't be shocked, choose your own!

Ginghamsheep · 04/12/2024 21:54

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 17:14

@Ginghamsheep thank you, I think it is a little though not quite how you describe - I have been able to cultivate a good group of friends (or really, several separate pockets of friends) as an adult, but I suppose Christmas is very focused on family and that's the bit where my Christmas is somewhat unconventional.
I know it's all relative, there will be families out there juggling school Christmas events, work, elf on a sodding shelf and the rest who would love the idea of my stress free Christmas!

Ah, I understand. I am an only child and have no children. The few relatives I do have are not interested in Christmas. I find it tough, as it is so family focused. I think it's a difficult time of year which can really bring into sharp relief what is missing from your life. And it's so hard to escape from. Please feel free to message me if you ever want to chat.

Ginghamsheep · 04/12/2024 21:56

@Wimberry I forgot to say, you are so right about elf on the shelf though! There are many places I would happily stick an elf.... and none of them are a shelf. 😂 So glad I don't have to participate in that nonsense!

Fernticket · 05/12/2024 09:16

Ginghamsheep · 04/12/2024 21:56

@Wimberry I forgot to say, you are so right about elf on the shelf though! There are many places I would happily stick an elf.... and none of them are a shelf. 😂 So glad I don't have to participate in that nonsense!

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

HuntingtonHaven18 · 05/12/2024 16:47

ThisTimeNextWeekDavid · 04/12/2024 15:27

I’m the same OP but without a partner.

Due to a huge change in financial circumstances, I can’t afford to buy myself a gift either. It sucks.

I have dm’d you @ThisTimeNextWeekDavid

Makingchocolatecake · 05/12/2024 18:26

Give your partner a list?

Judecb · 05/12/2024 18:54

Why not volunteer at a shelter or soup kitchen. Do something completely different?

Cherrysoup · 05/12/2024 18:58

If we want stuff, we buy it, we’re terrible for it. We decided no presents last year therefore. Never been so gutted! I’m going to send my Dh links this week.

PeachyPeachTrees · 05/12/2024 20:20

One of my friends has no DP or DC and her parents and sister have decided they are not doing presents this year. She said how glad she is that we swap presents and her other best friend too otherwise she would have nothing to open. Buying a present for herself just isn't the same as no surprise. I saw a suggestion on here about buying a mystery box and I will suggest to her, brilliant idea.

OrangesCinammonIvy · 05/12/2024 20:45

@HPandthelastwish that's such a good idea! Wrapping gifts to yourself.

I also hope to go abroad at Xmas.

CathyFitzs · 05/12/2024 22:12

Hi, I'm
so sorry to read this, why not buy a beauty Advent calendar for yourself? I got my first one this year and it’s really exciting opening the doors, there are lots to chose from and lots of other kinds if you’re not into beauty

Lifethroughlenses · 05/12/2024 22:13

Ok you’ve identified that you feel sad. So address it - it’s your Christmas too. Either buy yourself gifts, ask your partner to step up (and drop some heavy hints) or agree with your partner to have a lovely treat to enjoy together. The gift of getting older is that you learn to live your life as you want it. We all deserve a Christmas that makes us happy.