To feel a little bit sad that I won't receive Christmas presents any more?

[Wimberry]

I'm aware this is Mumsnet, so I should be happy with my massive salad and thimble of sherry at Christmas, as anything else would make me incredibly selfish and childish. But I do feel a teensy bit sad that I have ended up in a situation where I receive zero Christmas presents, not having any surprises to unwrap.

For context - no children. Mum deceased and dad is distant and buys gifts so bad they're borderline offensive, he's also pleading poverty this year (he's well off, im not a priority) so we agreed to go for a meal at some point instead. It's for the best.

Rest of the family have moved towards buying gifts for children only (and TBF there's not many, no one expects expensive gifts so I don't mind this, although obviously there's none to come to us). I have a partner who is lovely and is good in many ways but is just so, so bad at buying gifts that a few years ago we decided not to bother. It isn't weaponised incompetence, just not his thing. He doesn't expect gifts in return, he's very pragmatic - if he wants something he'd rather buy it himself and get exactly what he wants/needs so he doesn't really enjoy gifts being brought for him. Instead of a work secret santa we're donating to a food bank.

Im not (usually!) materialistic so I am surprised that this makes me feel a bit sad, any alternative ideas for making Christmas feel a bit special, as a grown up?

A friend of mine who is divorced with a young child also had no adults in her life to buy her gifts, and she found a mystery box company who delivered her lovely Christmas gifts for Christmas day. She had to fill in a survey with some likes/dislikes/preferences etc. and it wasn't limited to e.g. skincare or make-up, it was a real mix of a couple of wine/food items, an item of clothing, some accessories, and yes some skincare/make up stuff, a candle, a few other bits. She was really impressed with the relevance and the quality of the gifts.

An actual Secret Santa that isn't stuck with a £10 limit and no idea of your likes and dislikes!

I buy myself nice advent calendars and have surprises through December.

What about the joy of giving?. To make you feel a good person... warm and cosy inside.
Buy someone a night at Shelter. Or a bale of hay for an animal sanctuary..etc

I set a budget for myself and buy something I really want. Also like the idea above of wrapping things up throughout the year!

Go to the sales buy little treats wrap them and pop them away for next year !
I feel the same tbh
but looking back on gifts at Xmas, it’s about being thought of and wrapping etc
some what relived to never being gifted bloody oven gloves or similar unwanted unthoughtful crap

For those suggesting secret santa, we've done them in the past (extended family and friends) but they've faded out and I don't think I'd want to put pressure on anyone to start them up again. In laws are at an age that they've got everything they need and want less 'stuff' not more; most of our peers /siblings have primary or tween children and Christmas is expensive enough for them already. Just a bit unusual in our situation, there only being two of us, and my family being particularly rubbish!

My partner would buy things if I insisted, but he genuinely wouldn't want any presents in return so it would feel a bit one sided (plus he really doesnt get it, I know his reaction would be a puzzled 'if you want it why haven't you bought it, do you need some more money?' (we have a mixture of shared bill money and own savings, he's generous there's no issue there)

I do like the idea of giving myself 'permission' to buy myself some things that I wouldn't normally buy/are a bit more luxurious. Some fancy chocolates, some good books etc. I might wrap them up and write them from the cat 😁

this happened on my birthday last year and it was really shitty.

if I could send you a little gift I would OP,

please go and get yourself some bits xxx

This is a great idea!

it’s still doesn’t cover the feeling of being cared about by someone else but as a ‘surprise’ gift to yourself I don’t think you could do much better.

Lovely posh food and drink for yourself.

A lot of small businesses do "mystery boxes" that you could just buy as a present for yourself so you can pick a brand/type of thing you like but not know what you're actually getting until you open it, if that makes sense.

Yanbu and you're not materialistic. I'm not either, but it's nice to be given things that show you're appreciated, even better when it's something nice that you like. I think it's your partner's job to do this for you. You need to explain to him that it's important to you and exactly what you need him to do to make Christmas feel special for you and make you feel special.

It’s a very harmless thing to want! I’d suggest a number of things to your partner to choose from, for a start. Even if he’s not interested in you buying him presents, he can get you presents, surely?

I've only seen mystery boxes for skincare, the one your friend got sounds really interesting @Deliaskis ! I'll look into it, thank you.

I think getting yourself something is a nice idea but I’d honestly tell your partner how you’re feeling. If he’s as kind as you say he is then he’d be happy to do it to make you happy. Like I know my husband doesn’t really see the point in flowers but he still surprises me with them because he knows I love them.

YANBU to be sad about this OP, but as you have a DP I think it's an easy enough thing to solve. Why not either set up a wish list each so that the other knows what to buy, or just buy yourself various things throughout the year (as a previous poster suggested) and put them in a box that he then wraps up for you at Christmas?

My DM and DSF do a variation on this. When they're browsing in shops while in town or on holiday they point to things they like and say 'You can give me that as part of my Christmas present' and so throughout the year they both accrue a random selection of things that they actually want - books, seeds, gardening tools, nice little foodie things, etc. And at Christmas the other one wraps everything up and so they get a nice pile of things that they really want!

I’m glad I’m not the only one! Last year I had low expectations as DH was struggling with multiple health conditions and DS can be a bit rubbish - but DS excelled himself and “forgot”. If I hadn’t bought and wrapped myself some small gifts earlier in the year, I’d have had nothing.

So this year I told them I wasn’t doing stockings and why - only to now find that DS is doing me a stocking with no expectation of getting one himself.

Anyway, I can confirm that buying through the year, wrapping and putting away, works. You may remember some but others will be a complete surprise

@Caroparo52 I already do. I used to work at a homeless hostel and I buy items from their wish list every year, donate in my mum's memory, and I'm involved in a few other things through work (toy appeals etc) as well as buying for children in the family.
It's possible to do those things and still like the idea of a present under the tree!

I also buy myself a couple of gifts and wrap them up

Buy yourself a "mystery box" or five from Amazon, Wish.com or similar places. Chances are you won't get anything especially exciting, but it will be a genuine suprise when you open them up on Christmas day to find a lock-picking kit or whatever.

@Mrsttcno1 I understand where you're coming from, tried this a bit in the past but it just wasn't for us. I appreciate it sounds silly because he's otherwise an intelligent man, but he's so particular about the things that he likes that he can't understand that I might be ok with say, a generic mid range box of chocolates. He really over thinks it, assumes nothing is quite right, searches for ages and gets really stressed. If I sent him an Amazon link he'd buy it for me, but that kinda takes the fun out of it! And as he wouldn't want me to buy him anything in return it would feel a bit weird.

I definitely think mystery boxes or buying a few indulgent things during the year is the way to go.

I used to and still do buy myself something very georgous "from the dog"... great tradition to have

I buy my own.

I had years of parents and in laws and husband and relies buying me things

I did appreciate the effort but they were mostly wine, chocs, smellies, books.

Many surprises but few particularly enjoyable

I buy my own now.

Definitely a lovely gift from your very discerning cat! The list of ways pets can sometimes outdo partners is growing.

From the cat! Why didn’t I think of this before?

Mumsnet used to do a secret santa, does anyone remember that? I got a gift one year.

Christmas is of course about the spirit of things more than anything else… but there is a wowcher thing where you can choose £10/£20 for women and you get a random gift. It’s like a lucky dip, some gifts are of higher value and some lower. It gives you a surprise at least no the day. I’m doing it this year for fun