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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel a little bit sad that I won't receive Christmas presents any more?

255 replies

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 14:11

I'm aware this is Mumsnet, so I should be happy with my massive salad and thimble of sherry at Christmas, as anything else would make me incredibly selfish and childish. But I do feel a teensy bit sad that I have ended up in a situation where I receive zero Christmas presents, not having any surprises to unwrap.

For context - no children. Mum deceased and dad is distant and buys gifts so bad they're borderline offensive, he's also pleading poverty this year (he's well off, im not a priority) so we agreed to go for a meal at some point instead. It's for the best.

Rest of the family have moved towards buying gifts for children only (and TBF there's not many, no one expects expensive gifts so I don't mind this, although obviously there's none to come to us). I have a partner who is lovely and is good in many ways but is just so, so bad at buying gifts that a few years ago we decided not to bother. It isn't weaponised incompetence, just not his thing. He doesn't expect gifts in return, he's very pragmatic - if he wants something he'd rather buy it himself and get exactly what he wants/needs so he doesn't really enjoy gifts being brought for him. Instead of a work secret santa we're donating to a food bank.

Im not (usually!) materialistic so I am surprised that this makes me feel a bit sad, any alternative ideas for making Christmas feel a bit special, as a grown up?

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 04/12/2024 15:44

mathanxiety · 04/12/2024 15:42

@Wimberry

You're sad because the people who should show their love and appreciation for you won't make the effort, and you've compromised with them instead of telling them how sad it makes you feel that your feelings don't matter to them.

Your husband isn't "pragmatic". He's a selfish pillock who takes you for granted.
Your dad is selfish too.

What would their response be if you let them know how disappointed you are in them?

I think this is true. I'd write off my dad in terms of presents, but I think a partner should be able to follow links ffs.

ChristmasTunesAlready · 04/12/2024 15:45

I bought my main Christmas present myself a couple of days ago (a new Garmin smartwatch). Put it under my bed with DD's presents and will wrap them all up soon. I call it my Christmas present "to me...from me".

Just saw a previous poster's idea of getting mystery boxes to wrap up - I LOVE this idea if you want a surprise...might actually do it myself!
Also buying stuff throughout the year - brilliant!

Trimbleton · 04/12/2024 15:45

Arrange for a nice lunch with your partner where you buy each other gifts - that’s what we do and it stops me from feeling resentful !

CountingCrones · 04/12/2024 15:45

When my siblings announced they didn’t want to do presents anymore, I decided to take what I would have spent on each of them and buy myself something nice.

I wrap them and put them on one side for Christmas Day. That way I have something lovely to look forward to.

It might sound silly but it works for me.

Chocolatesnowman2 · 04/12/2024 15:46

But you agreed to go for a meal with your dad instead of gifts and decided no gifts with your partner years ago .
I thought you were going to say you were alone in the world.
Go back to your dad and partner and tell them , Christmas this year will involve gifts ,give them both a list of gifts you would like to receive and ask them for ideas for what they would like .
Your letting them both of the hook .
Be firm and get them told things are changing, everyone else's family does gifts and yours will be too .
Stand up for yourself,if it matters to you ,it's important x

cestlavielife · 04/12/2024 15:47

Buy yourself a nice subscription box so you get a surprise every month
Book or beauty or whatever

mathanxiety · 04/12/2024 15:47

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 14:41

For those suggesting secret santa, we've done them in the past (extended family and friends) but they've faded out and I don't think I'd want to put pressure on anyone to start them up again. In laws are at an age that they've got everything they need and want less 'stuff' not more; most of our peers /siblings have primary or tween children and Christmas is expensive enough for them already. Just a bit unusual in our situation, there only being two of us, and my family being particularly rubbish!

My partner would buy things if I insisted, but he genuinely wouldn't want any presents in return so it would feel a bit one sided (plus he really doesnt get it, I know his reaction would be a puzzled 'if you want it why haven't you bought it, do you need some more money?' (we have a mixture of shared bill money and own savings, he's generous there's no issue there)

I do like the idea of giving myself 'permission' to buy myself some things that I wouldn't normally buy/are a bit more luxurious. Some fancy chocolates, some good books etc. I might wrap them up and write them from the cat 😁

Honestly, what the heck is wrong with your partner? Nobody could possibly be that obtuse.

If you can afford it, book yourself a nice week at a spa retreat or a week's hiking trip or a trip to Paris - whatever takes your fancy. Anything that you can do without him. And don't leave a fridge full of food for him to eat in your absence, or instructions about bin day, etc.

Vintagevixen · 04/12/2024 15:48

Welcome to my world. Single parent so have had many Christmas's with zero presents. DD is 16 this year and now gets pocket money from ex, so may be getting something this year (likely some Lego flower sets) and am super excited!!

I too always buy myself something and wrap it - bought myself a Vuitton scarf one Christmas, didn't look at it after I bought it so was all fresh and new when opened.

Try it - honestly I love it!

Original poster
Wimberry · 04/12/2024 15:51

@MounjaroUser I've said several times that my partner is generous and would buy me things from links if I insisted, but I don't find that idea fun at all.
You'd think certain Mumsnet users would be able to read OPs posts as well, especially that little 'see all' button, but the world is a strange place sometimes.

OP posts:
SantaClausIsOnTheDole · 04/12/2024 15:52

FatsiaJaponicaInTheGarden · 04/12/2024 14:16

I understand this. I literally as the song says "buy myself flowers" now without needing a reason.

Its more than just presents isn't it-it's the thought behind it etc..but yes plan a lovely day and buy nice foods etc and buy yourself some treats and enjoy 😍

I’d be buying myself lovely bits and wrapping them up for under the tree!

Bumcake · 04/12/2024 15:54

I get you OP, I’d be sad to receive nothing at all.

Tell your partner how you feel, and send him ideas but not specific links.

My husband wouldn’t care but I do, so I send him a list of about six ideas of which he’ll get two or three. I keep it fairly vague eg chocolates from Audrey’s, shower gel from Molton Brown, so he can be as generous as he likes and I am still at least a bit surprised.

Aposterhasnoname · 04/12/2024 15:55

Comedycook · 04/12/2024 14:15

Tell your partner you want a present....send him a selection of things you'd like and ask him to buy you one so it's somewhat of a surprise.

Do you have a group of girlfriends? Could you suggest a secret Santa with them?

This.

ShinyPebble32 · 04/12/2024 15:55

My DH isn’t a present buyer either, we usually just get f1 tickets or something as our presents to each other. But I know exactly what you mean, I’ve found myself in a present-less situation too, so this year I’m going to insist on doing each other stockings full of useful little bits - I’m giving him a list because he needs full micromanagement! I always do the same for him, as i love giving presents.
It will just be little or useful things, like our favourite chocs, lynx for him and lipsalve for me, some mini wines/beers, pants, socks etc - but just having a stocking to pull things out of is so much fun on Christmas day.

ElaborateCushion · 04/12/2024 15:56

I'm like your partner. I buy what I would want or like during the year, so don't need presents and would prefer DH to not buy me something unprompted because he has horrible taste (sorry DH!).

We do, however, arrange a weekend away or book a special experience day, as our Christmas present to each other. We get a lot more out of that than unwrapping presents.

I love the idea of buying yourself and wrapping up little gifts throughout the year.

You could even go so far as to buy things small enough to go into the same size boxes, so you really have no clue what each is as you open them!

I would very much be adding a gift tag on each of them that says "To Me, Love from Me xx"

Jl2014 · 04/12/2024 16:00

Give your partner a list and get him to pick some surprises off it. It’s not silly and it obviously is important to you. Easily solved.

CoolPlayer · 04/12/2024 16:04

I often buy myself some nice new pjs an a few pamper bits fave drink, chocolate ect! I even wrap them sometimes lol! perfect for the Christmas evening tele :)

Original poster
Wimberry · 04/12/2024 16:04

Can I just say I never had a clue how many people buy themselves Christmas gifts and I really appreciate you sharing it as it's such an obvious thing to do but one I've never really taken seriously!

Also laughing at the idea of holding my dad to account, I'm going to assume the people posting that sort of stuff are from naice families. Mines a bit shit really, but probably one of the reasons why I like the idea of having nice Christmases as an adult.

OP posts:
Lentilweaver · 04/12/2024 16:07

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 16:04

Can I just say I never had a clue how many people buy themselves Christmas gifts and I really appreciate you sharing it as it's such an obvious thing to do but one I've never really taken seriously!

Also laughing at the idea of holding my dad to account, I'm going to assume the people posting that sort of stuff are from naice families. Mines a bit shit really, but probably one of the reasons why I like the idea of having nice Christmases as an adult.

You can do anything you want, as long as you can afford it. You can even be in a warm country on the beach. That's what I will be doing.

BottomlessBrunch · 04/12/2024 16:09

I'm not sure what your hobbies are but you can buy themed advent calendars - I get the M&S one and then open it throughout January.
I have no idea of the contents of it but it's like a surprise each day.

Ihateslugs · 04/12/2024 16:10

HelloClouds · 04/12/2024 14:28

This is where a fabulous and expensive advent calendar comes in handy. At least there’s the element of surprise!

Oooh, I love this idea! I do get presents from my family but sometimes they are a bit disappointing but I know I am hard to buy for and my birthday is just before Christmas which does not help.

I think I’m going to buy myself a gin advent calendar next year and enjoy opening the windows to see my much welcomed surprise!

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2024 16:11

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 14:11

I'm aware this is Mumsnet, so I should be happy with my massive salad and thimble of sherry at Christmas, as anything else would make me incredibly selfish and childish. But I do feel a teensy bit sad that I have ended up in a situation where I receive zero Christmas presents, not having any surprises to unwrap.

For context - no children. Mum deceased and dad is distant and buys gifts so bad they're borderline offensive, he's also pleading poverty this year (he's well off, im not a priority) so we agreed to go for a meal at some point instead. It's for the best.

Rest of the family have moved towards buying gifts for children only (and TBF there's not many, no one expects expensive gifts so I don't mind this, although obviously there's none to come to us). I have a partner who is lovely and is good in many ways but is just so, so bad at buying gifts that a few years ago we decided not to bother. It isn't weaponised incompetence, just not his thing. He doesn't expect gifts in return, he's very pragmatic - if he wants something he'd rather buy it himself and get exactly what he wants/needs so he doesn't really enjoy gifts being brought for him. Instead of a work secret santa we're donating to a food bank.

Im not (usually!) materialistic so I am surprised that this makes me feel a bit sad, any alternative ideas for making Christmas feel a bit special, as a grown up?

To be honest from what you said people did buy you presents but you use phrase like 'so bad it borderline offensive' and 'so bad I decided not to bother'... It kind of sounds like you have certain higher expectations and choose not to have anything that to fall below that (cutting your nose off to spite your face) not that you don't have anyone to gift you (like many don't).

HarrietBond · 04/12/2024 16:13

housethatbuiltme · 04/12/2024 16:11

To be honest from what you said people did buy you presents but you use phrase like 'so bad it borderline offensive' and 'so bad I decided not to bother'... It kind of sounds like you have certain higher expectations and choose not to have anything that to fall below that (cutting your nose off to spite your face) not that you don't have anyone to gift you (like many don't).

Show quote history

My father used to give me things he’d won in the pub raffle. No thought, not relevant to me. It was hurtful and far worse than getting nothing, as it it emphasised that he both barely knew me and wasn’t interested in making the slightest effort on my behalf.

MichaelaJournee · 04/12/2024 16:16

HarrietBond · 04/12/2024 16:13

My father used to give me things he’d won in the pub raffle. No thought, not relevant to me. It was hurtful and far worse than getting nothing, as it it emphasised that he both barely knew me and wasn’t interested in making the slightest effort on my behalf.

Show quote history

Totally agree - some presents are way worse than getting nothing

sandyhappypeople · 04/12/2024 16:17

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 14:41

For those suggesting secret santa, we've done them in the past (extended family and friends) but they've faded out and I don't think I'd want to put pressure on anyone to start them up again. In laws are at an age that they've got everything they need and want less 'stuff' not more; most of our peers /siblings have primary or tween children and Christmas is expensive enough for them already. Just a bit unusual in our situation, there only being two of us, and my family being particularly rubbish!

My partner would buy things if I insisted, but he genuinely wouldn't want any presents in return so it would feel a bit one sided (plus he really doesnt get it, I know his reaction would be a puzzled 'if you want it why haven't you bought it, do you need some more money?' (we have a mixture of shared bill money and own savings, he's generous there's no issue there)

I do like the idea of giving myself 'permission' to buy myself some things that I wouldn't normally buy/are a bit more luxurious. Some fancy chocolates, some good books etc. I might wrap them up and write them from the cat 😁

I think this is the only part where you are being a tad unreasonable to be fair.. if you want presents, then insist on buying each other, why does it have to be his way or no way, I'd be gutted if my DH was like this and he would be if I was as well, we both see Christmas and birthdays as a special time to put each other first and show that we are thinking of each other.. if people think it is 'too much effort' to buy something that you think your partner would like (even their favourite, food, chocolate, wine etc), then it says a lot about them as a person I think.

So.. Write DH a list of things you think you'd like.. you obviously need or want some of these things and haven't bought them for yourself.. and send him off to say get any 3 items off it and 2 things not on it, it really isn't asking much.

And if he honestly doesn't want anything, give him money or find something that he would like, like an event or something that he may want to go to and buy tickets for that, or take him out for dinner etc.

PassingStranger · 04/12/2024 16:19

Wimberry · 04/12/2024 15:31

@PassingStranger what does not being a child have to do with it? I think you need a visit from a couple of ghosts this year

Kids get excited at Xmas that's what.

Your an adult and can buy things for yourself.