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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Londoners not giving up seats on tube for pregnant women

285 replies

ParkAndRider · 04/12/2024 09:42

I am 32 weeks pregnant with an obvious large bump and wear a baby on board badge. I commute at rush hour and usually every time I get on board the tube there are no seats available. I see the people sitting glance at me and then look pretend and pretend they haven't noticed. I've just endured another journey standing the whole way feeling tired and dizzy because no one will offer a seat. Yes I could ask but it would feel uncomfortable why can't anyone offer? Surely all the people sitting can't be hiding various disabilities?

OP posts:
Tink3rbell30 · 04/12/2024 10:04

You need to ask.

BraveBlueDuck · 04/12/2024 10:06

Ask. Has pregnancy rendered you unable to speak?

Ggmores · 04/12/2024 10:06

I’ve been asked so many times if I want a seat on the tube - and I’m not pregnant! It was mortifying, especially the time I was coming back from a scan confirming a miscarriage.

Most people on the tube are not paying attention, they’re deep in thought, reading , listening to music etc. I can understand you might not feel confident in asking, but I’ve never seen anyone refuse to give up their seat, most Londoners are very friendly!

Setyoufree · 04/12/2024 10:09

Just ask. Like other commuters, the only way I hope with the daily 2 hours of hell on the train is to shut the outside world out. I'd happily give you my seat if you asked but there's no chance I'd notice your bump or your badge otherwise.

Also, sometimes when I was commuting pregnant, I actually wanted to stand, I'd been sitting all day. I was mortified once when a well meaning lady made a massive fuss about "this lady is pregnant, why are none of you offering her your seat?!" which was so well intentioned of her but I hadn't asked because I didn't want one!

TiramisuQueenoftheFairies · 04/12/2024 10:15

Move to Barcelona ;)

We were amazed at the way seats were offered to the elderly and pregnant on trains and buses during our recent visit : yes, it's the rules, but to see everyone being so respectful of them was a reminder of how lacking such behaviour can be elsewhere.

Shimmyshimmycocobop · 04/12/2024 10:16

I was noticeably pregnant on the tube in 2000, it was crowded and I was standing. At a busy stop where lots of people were getting off a man tried to stop me getting a seat by putting his bag on it till he could get to it to sit down. A woman very loudly told him off and told me to take the seat. I'll never forget her, sisterhood in action 😆

XWKD · 04/12/2024 10:16

You should ask. I don't live in London, but one time while visiting I was on a bus. I don't think it was a disabled seat. I was looking out the window, and hadn't seen a woman get on with a crutch. When I stood up to get off, I noticed her. I was mortified that I hadn't given up my seat before that. She was very nice about it, but I genuinely didn't see her. Sometimes people are in their own world.

bryceQ · 04/12/2024 10:17

It's absolutely shit but honestly the best advice I can give is you need to ask. You shouldn't have to but you need to.

Excuse me, can I sit down please.

Repeat.

Congratulations

HoppingPavlova · 04/12/2024 10:18

Just ask. I'm disabled and if I get a fuck off I remind the person it is a condition of carage to give up an access seat if required to do so

That’s absolutely fine, as long as you don’t target individuals but ask generally.

No, most people don’t have hidden disabilities. However the odd one does. I have a child that does and they are every bit in need of a seat as any other person with disability, pregnancy or old age. Several times, when travelling with them and when crowded, they have been targeted as a seemingly healthy young adult and asked to give up their seat. I, standing next to them, say ‘no, that’s not possible, they require a seat’ because as a young adult they are embarrassed to admit there is something wrong with them. Invariably we will get guff about how they have to/condition of carriage/sitting in disabled seats/this is the problem with young people these days etc. Once they start down whatever one of these insane paths they choose to carry on with I give a very firm ‘Fuck off’ because I just don’t want to do it and don’t see why child who already feels embarrassed about their condition should have to cop such diatribe. No way should any person with a disability have to disclose the nature of it to anyone.

Should say, if I wasn’t there my child would most likely give up their seat to avoid having to voice their needs in a public forum, then the whole train would be held up with a medical event. Doesn’t happen though, as they don’t get public transport unless they have someone to accompany them in the event they do become unwell (even if seated, but a lot less chance). Anyone who accompanies just does the automatic response quickly followed by a ‘fuck off’ if people keep going on about the seat.

Zero problem with anyone who needs it asking in general for a seat. Huge problems with people making assumptions on others health/needs and targeting individuals to give up their seat.

winetimenow · 04/12/2024 10:18

You just need to ask. People are in their own worlds, have their own reasons not to stand and don't want to offer if someone isn't pregnant but maybe looks it.
I need a seat at the moment for other reasons that aren't visible, and I have to ask, and there is always someone that stands quickly or at least helps if they can't stand.

Suchaplebdotcom · 04/12/2024 10:18

I have never experienced this in London ever.

I’ve been offered a seat when I’ve been pregnant, when I broke my arm and definitely didn’t need a seat but was offered one anyway (declined it obviously). One day I was a little tearful and was offered a seat and a chat on the bus. I declined the seat but enjoyed the chat.

and I always offer someone else my seat if they need it or have a lanyard.

I also had a teenage boy around 17 offer me his seat thinking I was pregnant and I wasn’t. I never told him I wasn’t but said no thanks (nicely) and my next purchase was a pedometer and some gym clothes. 🤣

My son has been offered a seat just for being little and a bit wobbly on his feet.

Sorry you’re experiencing the opposite OP. Try asking?

Mamabear0202 · 04/12/2024 10:19

This absolutely grinds my gears! I have a newborn and was commuting into the office at 34w, obviously very pregnant.

i ASKED for a seat and a man told me he needed a seat. And another time on a separate occasion, I was standing and didn’t ask (couldn’t be bothered with the hassle) and a man kindly got up. The man next to him said why are you getting up, you don’t get her pregnant, it’s not your problem. I saw RED and said he was being polite, to which he started saying I shouldn’t give him attitude, I’m not even from England so I should shut up, etc etc. (not that it has any relevance, I am British but that doesn’t matter here, and CF was American). I was again, heavily pregnant. People are just so rude.

so many horror stories happened to me whilst pregnant that I just stopped asking.

WinterFollies · 04/12/2024 10:20

I never had to ask! But the last time was 13 years ago so maybe things have changed.

It actually restored my faith in humanity/Londoners a little bit - there was literally no demographic that were more or less likely to offer me a seat.

ForeveronMN · 04/12/2024 10:20

Coming at this from a slightly light hearted angle, some people may not notice you are pregnant and think you're overweight (and don't want to offend.)

A friend of ours (male) was upset (light-heartedly) when offered a seat on the tube as he was being labelled as 'elderly' and he really wasn't.

Richard1985 · 04/12/2024 10:20

Seeline · 04/12/2024 09:46

You do need to ask! Loudly.

DD has a hidden disability. She wears a 'Please offer me a seat badge' from TfL. She also wears a sunflower lanyard.
She always has to ask. She is then usually ignored, sometimes told to fuck off. Very rarely given a seat.
I assume people don't believe a fit and healthy looking 20yo could possibly be more deserving of a seat than them.

You make asking for a seat sound very appealing!

Pottyhelp · 04/12/2024 10:20

As a PP said - move to Barcelona. And as many others have stated, you need to speak up. It’s not the culture here to be giving and kind to strangers like that without being shamed into it, unfortunately.

anicecuppateaa · 04/12/2024 10:20

You need to ask. I live in London and have always been offered if people noticed, but if not and the tube was busy/ I needed a seat I would ask.

YouveGotAFastCar · 04/12/2024 10:21

You've always had to ask, sadly.

If it's leaving you feeling tired and dizzy, definitely do. Most people will move if you ask. Few will if you don't - they'll either not notice, or presume you're fine/happier standing.

nomchonge1 · 04/12/2024 10:21

I dont beleive this tbh

EDIT - that anyone has told pregnant or disabled people to "fuck off" when they ask for a seat

Hendalle · 04/12/2024 10:21

I agree with PP shirt asking. I’ve been navigating the tube on crutches with a broken foot since August. I find most of the time people are very good at giving me space to get on etc but if I get on and there are no seats I find a cheery “can someone offer me a seat please” usually does the trick. I hated doing it at first but have become somewhat immune now, I was always better at asking for other people rather than myself 😆

I find buses and the Elizabeth line are the worst though, if anyone has cracked those I’d been keen to know how!

Hunglikeapolevaulter · 04/12/2024 10:22

I wasn't very impressed when no-one stood up to give their seat to a very tottery elderly lady on the London underground. Once someone did stand up to disembark I stood over it and DH helped her to it.
She was so grateful, as if kindness was unusual. That was upsetting.

Not from London so maybe that's normal to Londoners, not helping the elderly.

AngelinaFibres · 04/12/2024 10:23

We live in the middle of nowhere but visit London as tourists several times a year and always use the tube. I sat in the ' please give up your seat' space . A pregnant woman got on. Very obviously pregnant rather than fat. I asked her if she would like to sit down. She said no very sharply and turned her back on me . You can't win. If you offer its wrong ,if you don't it's wrong.

fourquenelles · 04/12/2024 10:24

Was always thus OP. My daughter is nearly 36 now;back when I was pregnant a woman with a very large bump was strap hanging in front of me clearly in some distress as it was hot hot hot. No-one offered a seat so I did. One pregnant woman giving up her seat or another and no, no-one offered me a seat.

OhBling · 04/12/2024 10:24

Rush hour is the worst unfortunately. I developed a list of who was most likely ot offer me a seat from most likely to least likely (there are other groups but I didn't have enough experience to put them in my list).

1 Young Asian men. Teenagers x50 - I had male teenagers leap across busses to give me seats, on more than one occassion

2 Older Asian men

3 Women of all backgrounds but trending towards middle aged or older - but this was a bit fluid. In rushhour, less so, out of rush hour, regularly.

4 white men

brokenwand · 04/12/2024 10:24

Unfortunately in these days people (especially men) are just a likely to get a barrage of abuse from the person they are offering a seat to.

This has happened to DF on more than one occasion