“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

[Microvavie]

I have come across three women recently who have openly admitted they carried on having children in the hope they would have a little girl.

Im trying not to judge them but everytime they have said it, it feels off to me. I can’t explain why it make me feel funny.

First encounter was a lady who had two boys and she now has a girl. She openly says in front of the kids she tried for a third in the hope it was a girl.

Second encounter was on their 5th baby and had 4 boys, they really wanted a girl and are yet to find out the gender.

I always wonder how the boys feel, maybe they don’t care but I always feel a bit sorry for them. It makes it sound like they arent good enough.

Third encounter is my SIL who had a forth and final girl. If the second or third had been a girl they would have stopped. They treat the girl so different to the boys.

I understand gender disappointment to a degree, I never had a fictional child or idea of what my kids would be like. I think I’m projecting as child with only girls, my dad got comments about no boys for him and it use to make me feel not good enough (I even pretend to a Tom boy for a year to try and make my dad happy)

I think she just wanted a girl and it’s not really for stuff like this just someone to identify with. I think older women without any daughters get a bit isolated in old age, just something I’ve noticed.

I have 3 girls.
With dc1 I desperately wanted a girl and was overjoyed to have one.
With dc2 I really didn’t mind but was really happy to have 2 girls.
With dc3 I wanted a boy, & did mourn ‘the son I’d never have.’ A little bit. But she’s amazing I wouldn’t change her.

So I did have preferences, they changed… I suppose it’s just getting to experiences the differences… Sometimes even now certain little boys really make me broody for a boy, but 3 children is enough for me!

Amen!!

According to my DC I'm the hard one to buy for their Dad with many crafting hobbies is really easy.

Statically I know more women end up carers but in my wider family it's often been sons - sometimes giving up work to do so - and even when there was a daughter nearby.

I was closer to my paternal grandparents as Dad took us to visits regularly where as Mum didn't - my kids are closer to IL as they've made way more effort to be in their live than any on my family.

I did see some differences DS need more outside burn of energy times at certain points in childhood and would sometime get weepy - but mostly it was how external world interacted with them - boys and girls friendship groups every different and what the outside word praised them for being interested in.

As my family doesn't match the stereotypical boxes perhaps that was why I was relaxed about what we got. DH an only child was supposed to be a girl something IL went on a lot about - he just shrugs it off - I think any girl they had would have faced heavy sex based expectations - MIL tolerated DH extended education don't think she would have a girls - but granddaughter are fine as world's moved on.

I understand gender disappointment but the reality is you just have to get past it. First time I didn't mind at all, second time round we've found out it's another boy!
I will admit to feeling a slight twinge of disappointment, for the sole reason that it was just the realisation that I will never have a daughter. (Financial restraints mean it's a massive stretch to even be able to afford a second, any more would be completely out of the question.)
BUT then I thought about how fab my son is, how lucky I am to have him and how little boys are funny, a bit wild and crazy and how can I possibly be disappointed about that? Just want them to be healthy and happy.
You can bet anything that if a third were to be on the cards it would be a boy too!

Sex, not gender

I'm one of 5 girls. I know my Dad desperately wanted a boy. He never got one but he was a lovely Dad to us girls.

I think something that amplifies the whole thing is this new trend of ‘gender reveals’. It’s so obvious when the parents cut the cake/ let off a fucking party popper if they’re happy or not. Imagine being the child in the future seeing that and knowing that you were a disappointment before you were even born for something you have no control over. It’s awful.

I’d be gutted if I had never had a daughter- I wouldn’t have kept on having children though. Works both ways- I have two friends each with 3 girls because they want the boy. Don’t see why people care for other people’s preferences, boys were favoured for generations and in many other cultures- who cares if people want girls now.

I had a preference for a girl with #2 and had another boy. Mourned the imaginary girl at the time but adore my two boys.
When considering having #3 my preference changed again and I wanted 3 boys (but would have been happy with either).
A preference doesn't mean you won't/don't love the baby you received. It's just sometimes our imaginations create an idea which we get attached to and when that idea doesn't pan out it takes an adjustment.

I always wanted 3 kids, now I'm glad I don't!

I know someone who has 7 kids under 12 yrs. They seem to have stopped having near annual babies now that No 7 is female. Blows my mind.

I think you’re being a little harsh to call this post “horribly judgy”. Of course people are absolutely allowed to experience gender disappointment, but the OP is talking about when parents vocalise that in front of their existing children or even treat a child of the hoped-for gender differently to their other children.

My mother wanted three boys. She ended up with one girl. She told me that she had wanted boys. Nothing like being an unwanted child. These 'mothers' should be ashamed of themselves.

A preference is fine, as long as it's not an obsession. To be fair, I think it's women of limited intelligence that keep having children to get the desired sex. They're probably the sort who buy puppies over the internet and worship Kim Kardashian (or whatever).

The story always told about my birth was that DM (high on pethidine) on being told she had a girl responded 'oh but I wanted a boy!' She always said it was because she was one of three girls and felt it would be lovely for her parents to have a boy in the family.
She was happy when I had my DD of course but I do think she felt it on a different level when my sister provided her with grandsons.

People feel what they feel! You can’t shame them for that. They can’t control it.

you can certainly shame them for making it even slightly obvious to the kids though. They can’t control that.

I had 2 boys. They’re my world. I desperately wanted a girl. I only had a sister and am close to my mum and sister.

And yes OF COURSE many men (including my husband!) are wonderful and talk and see their mothers and families regularly - but you cannot deny that the general trend is that girls and mothers tend to be closer and men are as a species not as good at organising and communicating.

We had a 3rd and it was a girl and I genuinely look at her every day 7 years on and feel SO grateful.

it doesn’t make me love my boys less - I’m actually much closer to them and have far more in common. But I am so completely grateful I also get to have a daughter.

Even if we’re not close when she’s grown up, it has been different raising her and I have loved experiencing both and I will be forever grateful I was able to.

I totally get it and I now feel complete in a way I didn’t before. If I had had 2 girls and no boys I would’ve felt the same too. The bond between a mother and son is completely unique and so special. The bond between mother and daughter is different and also completely unique and so special in a different way.

I was in school with a girl who was the eldest of 7 or 8 girls. The parents weren't interested in the girls, leaving the older ones to look after the younger. When the eldest gave birth to a son when she was 19, the parents tried to take the baby off her. Tried to get Social Services to declare her unfit. It didn't work but I felt sorry for all the girls knowing the parents couldn't be arsed with them but fought to get custody of their grandson.

My mum openly told me, from quite an early age, that if I'd been a boy, she'd have stopped at one. She had my brother next, golden boy 🙄 I'm still the black sheep, many decades on.

When I had my DD my FiL said, within 1 hour of her being born, 'You'll be trying for a boy soon, of course' 😡
That went well!

There is some really interesting sociological stuff with this however. A preference for boys leads to more
girls being born (eg you keep having girls till you get boys) and their social worth goes down with the overproduction.

I think we are going to experience (in the West) an overproduction of boys due to many families who keep having boys till they get the girl, which may lead to a situation where they will be seen as lesser, maybe they won’t be viewed as contributing to society or to the family in the same way as girls do.

It is very wrong in my book - because at the root of it are assumptions and expectations that the longed-for child might not fulfil. If women want a daughter to take to ballet, go clothes shopping with, enjoy her wedding and pregnancies, what happens if the child has no interest in ballet and fashion, doesn’t marry or have DC?

I will admit that I have a very negative view because I think you should be grateful if you have a healthy child - but all I can see is damage to relationships down the line. MIL openly talks about wishing she had a daughter in front of BIL. Now she is 80 this is all about an expectation that a daughter would live close by and take her shopping etc. as her friends’ daughters do. What if the daughter worked in London, 200 miles away?

Unlike most of the posts here (which are overly sympathetic to “gender disappointment”) I actually think it’s become way too normalised. People feel too comfortable voicing such awful views out loud. All these little boys having to grow up knowing their mum wanted a girl instead. Or hear their mums saying things like they’d only have another child if they could guarantee it was a girl not a boy.

It’s a really damaging thing to express out loud, so your kids might find out one day. Even if you don’t say it in front of them, they can still find out from an auntie/cousin etc. People are way too comfortable putting their own feelings first above their kids. It is a shameful thought to have (wishing your child was someone else) and you should really keep it to yourself.

I never had a preference girl or boys, I got two girls and I’m very happy. They are human beings, not pets or accessories. You can’t guarantee what their personality will be like anyway.

I had a home delivery with one of mine, the midwife, the student and I did a lot of chat through the night. The midwife told us she had recently delivered one mum of her 13th child and the mother had apparently vowed to carry on until she got her girl, a girl after 12 boys. I said I felt sad for the boys, she said she felt sorry for the baby girl, so many hopes and expectations on those little shoulders. I wonder how it worked out, she'd be in her 40s now.

I also don't understand the keeping trying for one or the other. I had two boys, and I didn't even think about having a third until I knew for certain I would have no disappointment at having another boy. I ended up having a girl, and she is great, but honestly another boy would have been easier.

Apparently my birth caused disappointment as I was supposed to be a boy, my mother was very unhappy that my father's side of the family were vocal about that. On the otherhand she told me she was suicidal when she was expecting me as my older sister would be under 1 when I was born. Not sure which was more damaging to be honest but I'm OK with it.

Yes, I do wonder if there’s then a lot of pressure on the siblings and that daughter. My SIL make the boys pander to the girl and treat her like a princess. I do wonder how this will work when they are adults, are the boys going to be resentful and the girl a diva due to getting her own way all the time.