“im having one more kid in the hope I have a girl”

[Microvavie]

I have come across three women recently who have openly admitted they carried on having children in the hope they would have a little girl.

Im trying not to judge them but everytime they have said it, it feels off to me. I can’t explain why it make me feel funny.

First encounter was a lady who had two boys and she now has a girl. She openly says in front of the kids she tried for a third in the hope it was a girl.

Second encounter was on their 5th baby and had 4 boys, they really wanted a girl and are yet to find out the gender.

I always wonder how the boys feel, maybe they don’t care but I always feel a bit sorry for them. It makes it sound like they arent good enough.

Third encounter is my SIL who had a forth and final girl. If the second or third had been a girl they would have stopped. They treat the girl so different to the boys.

I understand gender disappointment to a degree, I never had a fictional child or idea of what my kids would be like. I think I’m projecting as child with only girls, my dad got comments about no boys for him and it use to make me feel not good enough (I even pretend to a Tom boy for a year to try and make my dad happy)

My 18 year old and I are peas in a pod, the 16 year old not so much! Honestly with the eldest it’s like arguing with an 18 year old male me! 😂

I know a mum with 3 girls that wants to try again for a boy. My other friend has one of each and wants to try for a third in the hope that it’s a boy. I’ve one of each and I always thought I’d have two girls (as I’m close to my own sister) but now having had a boy I’d confidently say I’d be equally pleased at either boy or girl (although we’re not having a third!) so there are people out there hoping for lovely little boys. The heart wants what it wants!

I originally wanted a girl got 2, now when I have a 3rd I would like it to be a boy, I don't see anything wrong with that. If it's a girl im not going to not want it and put it up for adoption, I will still be over the moon but if I could choose I'd like it to be a boy. I'm not pregnant just hypothetical

I've got 2 of each, I tried very very hard for them to be here in the first place, I was told I had less than 1% chance of conception years ago after trying for 7+ years
I didn't care if they were boys or girls and my 4th was a complete surprise, only found out at 25 weeks with no symptoms other than feeling movement one evening watching tv (thought I had worms or something) 😂

But yeah, I don't really get it either, and speaking about it in-font of the boys is so cruel

My DH desperately wanted a girl. He comes from a family where there hasn’t been a girl down the paternal line in many generations. He had visions of having a daddy’s girl, and that’s what he has, a mini besotted with him. It warms my heart so much to see them together. However I know that had he had a boy, he would have fallen in love with them too, it was just a fantasy he’d formed from years of trying for a baby, without any lived experience of being a parent.

We had years of infertility so I didn’t mind either way. I don’t judge those with preferences, only if they let the children know that their sex wasn’t wanted.

I think that it’s fine to have a preference but not to voice it in front of the children.

If the preference is very strong, like you’d keep having children you wouldn’t otherwise have to get your preferred sex, then I think it’s a good idea to seek counselling. It’s not healthy and could damage the relationship with existing children.

For disclosure- I have one of each and had a slight, vague hope each time for the sex that they each turned out to be. So whilst that was lucky, I wouldn’t have been remotely upset if they’d been the other sex.

As a mother of 2 DD, I get this a lot!

People always tell me how lucky I am, and how they wished they had boys.

Two of my friends with 2 boys each have made being a "boy mum" their whole personality, but I know it's because they both desperately wished they had girls.

I would have been very upset, and would have probably gone for a third if I had had 2 boys first.

I had always thought I would like to have a girl, but I wouldn't have minded if I never had a boy. No idea why, except I came from a family of 3 girls, so possibly was more used to girls? The 1st time I got pregnant, as I intended to have at least 2 or even three altogether, I didn't mind what gender the baby was, but I somehow knew it was a girl, from around 8 -10 weeks gestation

Second time around, having already got a daughter, I thought it would be nice for her to have a sister, but I got a son. I also knew it was a boy while I was pregnant (we didn't have routine scans in those days, so most people didn't know what the baby was until he/she arrived).

I agree with you @Microvavie that the issue with people being so desperate to have a particular gender, occurs when they make it obvious to their other child/children, that they are not 'enough' and affect the self-esteem of the children they already have.

The kids will guess anyway so it's probably better to be open about these things.
It's like when one child is 15 years younger than the next eldest and nobody will admit they were a surprise.

I've come across that, also having a try for a boy after two or more girls.

I agree it is awful, particularly when you think of childless people who just long for a baby.

There's nothing wrong with hoping a bit but to say it out loud is insensitive and makes the person look rather stupid, frankly.

What is more people often have three or even four children of the same sex, there are no guarantees. Having said that they usually really love their children and as the kids grow older, think no more of it.

Talking to a fellow mum from school, who had four boys, she was bemoaning the lack of a daughter, as she really wanted someone to go shopping with. My friend and I looked at each other aghast and confirmed that shopping with our respective daughters was the stuff of nightmares.

I think it's a bit grating, because the love for a child is supposed to be unconditional, and every birth a celebration. To say you have a strong preference is to undermine this.

People feel as they feel, so no emotion is "wrong" per se, but there are definitely emotions that we know aren't very nice, that you only speak about with close friends and family. Because it doesn't reflect well on you. For example, I might tell my mum "I feel really jealous of my work friend getting a promotion, because it highlights how I feel I've underachieved", but you wouldn't shout it around work and everyone you know. The reason would be, that you knew the feeling came from a negative place, and you would likely try and work on your feelings, to eventually be happy for your work friend. To go around casually saying you want a girl, is to imply that isn't an issue you need to work on, because it's healthy and normal to only want a girl. Furthermore, you are inviting / expecting people to agree with you or laugh along. You wouldn't expect people to say "Ha-ha, I agree your friend shouldn't have been promoted, because it makes you insecure!"

I think there's a lot of people who just want to have children of both genders and there's nothing wrong with that! I could never picture myself with a girl not in disappointed way just for some reason i always assumed I'd have one boy. It worked out that I did but if I'd had a girl I would have been equally happy.

In a weird way this is kind of reassuring. The difference between me and my brother is the same.

My youngest is just a baby but my eldest boy is 3 and is quite stereotypical 'boy'. Obsessed with vehicles, barely touches the dolls he has. It made me feel like I'd failed bur honestly I do just think there are some differences between boys and girls/men and women that can't be changed, no matter we raise them.

Even buying presents and the stereotypical 'men are hard to buy for' - this is true for all the men I know as they are just not sentimental about anything. Not in a horrible way, but they just don't really care for the little sort of gifts I would get the women in my life.

But they likely won't guess in their formative years, up to age 7. So their values and sense of self worth can develop and "set", without the knowledge.

It's absolutely ridiculous. I know someone who has just got pregnant through IVF and then was apparently inconsolable when she found out she was carrying a girl. Talk about ungrateful. I actually think you can and should control gender disappointment, in fact you shouldn't even have it in the first place.

Re Christmas crafting, does your son like lego? I wonder if they'd be up for building a gingerbread house with you? You could make it competitive if that draws them in, or just ask them to help with the building stage (construction = very masculine lol)

If you asked your son to pick a film and you got hot chocolates and snacks, would they go for that? Or take them to the cinema? It might not be your perfect Christmas film but maybe something like gremlins or die hard, or films from their childhood.

Just trying to help but I know what you mean.

"Even buying presents and the stereotypical 'men are hard to buy for' - this is true for all the men I know as they are just not sentimental about anything. Not in a horrible way, but they just don't really care for the little sort of gifts I would get the women in my life."

Well, this I disagree with. If a man wants a black jumper, you just buy him a black jumper. A woman will usually want to choose her own.

After pregnancy losses I never expected to have gender preferences but I did… I remember suddenly having a heart drop moment the day of the gender scan hoping for a boy (I always loved the thought of having a boy) it was something I never expected to feel and I felt guilty as I was desperate for a healthy baby.

I did end up having a boy, maybe if I had a girl the feeling of wanting a son might have not gone away? So I would potentially have maybe tried again for another in the hope for a son? Wouldn’t mean I didn’t love a girl and I absolutely would of loved them the same.

I don’t think people understand gender disappointment/preferences really until it happens to them

We’re talking about human beings, here, however.
The underlying current with this attitude is that the kids are seen as a commodity, to a degree. Something produced to satisfy (what might be irrational, in some cases, when it comes to their sex at least) adult desires.
It happens in adoption, too - the focus really should be more on the hypothetical and/or existing child’s needs, rather than adult wants.

I have 3 sons. I always wanted at least one of each, and always wanted 3 children. I remember when pregnant with my middle son, my eldest's said he wanted a sister - then when pregnant with my youngest they both said they wanted a sister!

We've always had open conversations about how I always wanted a daughter - and I am very, very close to all 3 sons and they all know how much I love them and that I wouldn't change them for anything. We discuss gender stereotypes (they're all older now) and how relationships with mothers are different as adults between mums and sons and mums and daughters - they all completely understand why I wanted a daughter! I worry that one day my sons will be off with their own families, and won't want me involved. You only have to spend half an hour on Mumsnet reading the MIL posts to understand why that's a very real fear!

Anyway - gender disappointment is real and not something you can control! But discussing it in a healthy way is fine (stopped me from getting PND a second time after keeping my feelings bottled up with my second coupled with massive issues breastfeeding) and as long as your children know you love them and wouldn't change them - they you wanted a girl as well as them kind of thing - I think it's ok. What isn't ok is to say to them things like "I wish you'd been a girl" and stuff like that! Also, any conversations need to be age appropriate and preferably saved until they are old enough to understand.

I am female and not close to my Mum, I actively try to avoid spending time with her (a whole
different thread and going low contact). I also hate shopping. The comments about wanting a close bond and to go shopping always make me laugh as my mum has none of that even with a room full of girls.

And I would never admit this to my mother but I really like my MIL, she’s lovely and I prefer spending time with her (inside thought and never actually told anyone this). So I am the opposite of a typical MN user 😂

I had three girls, and every time I was desperate for a girl, but only because my XH had picked out a name for a boy that I found unacceptable, neither of us would have backed down gracefully, it would have been a car crash!

Totally agree with not addressing the point in front of children. Very rude and unkind behaviour.

My brother and SIL recently had their fourth daughter, so the topic of gender disappointment came up, as my SIL had really wanted one of the twins to be a boy. I wonder whether some people just have a tendency toward an irrational/unexplained desire for a certain sex, in the same way some people are done after 1 child, and others could still feel clucky after 7. I’d put myself in that category. I had very strong desires for a girl with all my pregnancies (I have both girls and boys) but it makes absolutely no sense and I have no idea why. I mostly dislike being female (it hasn’t been kind to me!), I’m not remotely girly, and I dislike most stereotypical female interests. I actually share more interests with my sons and often find them easier to connect with, but if I was to fall pregnant tomorrow, I think id still feel that same weird desire for a girl. With the 2 girls I have, I’ve encouraged their interests, but I’ve actually been relieved that neither of them wanted to do dance, or gymnastics, or other more typically ‘girly’ activities. I also hate shopping and doing hair with a passion!

I can’t explain my own preference at all. I think by baby 3, I just accepted it was an illogical feeling that I didn’t need to buy into or pay any attention to.