To think this is neglectful?

[newtothis0]

DP has two young girls with his ex whom he sees for one day/night at the weekend. He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

Neither of these girls have had their hair cut, ever. It is pretty much down to their lower back and despite copious amounts of conditioner, masks, leave in products, etc, their hair gets so matted because the ends are broken and frayed. It takes 30 minutes or so each to detangle their hair without hurting them.

Their mum will outright refuse to allow their hair to be cut (she has very long hair herself) and for reasons I won't elaborate on here, DP is not prepared to go against her wishes, which I understand. However, AIBU to think that she is verging on neglect by allowing their hair to reach such a poor condition for the sake of vanity?

I could imagine the state it gets into left loose. Can't it be plaited and brushed out at night?

I wouldn’t say it’s neglectful to not cut their hair, it’s not really causing harm, just a bit of discomfort when having to be brushed/washed. I don’t think theirs much you can do and I can understand why their dad doesn’t want to do it behind his ex’s back as it may give her something to hold against him in court if it is going through courts for contact.

Anonymously raise it with the school

Mostly assumption and a lot of projecting here. OP has answered to the best of her ability and obviously doesn’t want to give too much outing detail. There are clearly ongoing custody proceedings and if ex is volatile it’s really not a good idea to do something as drastic as cutting their hair until it’s sorted out and he has more contact, and therefore more agency. You might want to reflect on the fact that not all dads are deadbeat ones.

I only very recently had my daughter’s hair cut for the first time, she’s 4, her hair came in evenly and very thick, she’s has really lovely hair. It’s down to her lower back, I can’t see how that’s possibly neglectful? However her hair isn’t matted at the bottom, obviously it gets a bit tuggy- usually after she gets jam or something in it. Not nothing that 30 seconds and a tangle teezer can’t sort. If it’s taking 30 minutes to de tangle it’s nothing to do with it being long and uncut, it’s clearly not being washed and brushed often enough.

Where on earth does it say that? You’ve pulled that out of thin air.

I wouldn't say not getting their haircut is neglectful from an SS point of view (especially if that is the only thing). Elvive do a no hair cut creme which I used on my DD during lockdown, this stopped it from matting. After they've had a bath put some of that on damp hair and put it in a plait. Your going to have to cope with this until yhe custody issue is resolved. Has he gone to court for 50/50 access?

What ????!!!

If they have curly hair then it’s harder to keep knot free than straight hair. You need to care for it differently too, comb it when they have got lots of conditioner in using a wide tooth curl comb only as curly hair is more fragile.

Urgh. My ex, who sees our DD the same amount of time as your partner sees his, complains that I apparently never wash or brush her hair.

She has extremely thick, fine hair that gets brushed twice a day, plaited at night and cut every few months. But because of her hair type, it gets incredibly knotted within a matter of hours.

This man makes comments to my daughter and now even his family have started parroting what he says, because yes it is knotty. But in infuriates me as someone who, by choice, only sees his DD 4 nights per month can criticise me, a single parent, about something he clearly knows nothing about as he doesn't see his daughter enough to understand.

He also complains that I expect him to bathe her on his nights, as apparently that's his special protected time.

Read the thread. Ongoing custody proceedings with a difficult mum.

Long hair looks scruffy if it’s not looked after. I would have a couple of inches cut off.

With respect, OP has said several times she uses copious amounts of salon quality products and the hair is still in poor condition with sections needing to be cut back because of breakage.

Only read OP's posts. It sounds like the hair is just one tiny part of the whole story. I hope those wee girls find a settled and loving household soon.

Hi @newtothis0 it’s not neglectful per se - it’s just not ideal.
in the current circumstances I would carry on encouraging your partner to have the nicest day possible with the girls, follow mum’s rules and buy a tangle teaze brush and send them back clean, with brushed out hair and well fed. Maybe he can send little food gifts back like a box of berries, or items they like? Or cook with them flapjacks and send those back.
keep everything peaceful and calm.
once the school NITS hit - things will change re hair and hopefully once court proceedings progress he will get more access if that’s what he wants. he could offer to do dentist, doctor, eye test and hair apppintments / check ups to help out too at an appropriate moment.

She's managing it 6 days a week, it's up to her and the DC. It would only be neglect if she wasn't managing it. Brush in the bath with conditioner in and put it in a plait. And stay out of it - it's between the parents. This is not a hill to die on while there are ongoing court proceedings.

Tangle tamer brush and spray de tangler. Sounds an awful situation 😢

My hair mats like an old sheep if not washed every day and coaxed down with copious amounts of conditioner. So I can believe what the OP says

This sounds like it goes beyond hair and hair length .
you’re taking the time and have the patience to de tangle when you have the girls once per week ,
One of my girls has long hair and it needs keeping on top of .
You obviously can’t take the girls for a haircut so I can only suggest silk pillowcases and doing thick braids at night with a soft scrunchie in their hair .
Brush before washing then while wet and full of conditioner comb with wide tooth comb to de tangle .
If their hair is high density but fine texture then that is prone to tangles, add in length to that and that’s even trickier 😩

I actually don't think this is unusual. Lots of mums want their children's hair long and can feel very emotive about cutting it.
Especially where there is an acrimonious separation or the children are not in mums care, i have seen mums in particular really struggle with the other parent or carer cutting their child's hair.

More that she’s looking at what they need not say. First sentence dealt with the hair advice. The rest was a criticism of the contact between DP and his kids, which has already been explained. Many posters are making this about the amount of contact involved, instead of what OP has actually asked. Entirely predictable for MN but not rally acceptable to judge OP or her DP from a position of ignorance, or to keep pressing for more detail when OP has said it would be too outing and unwise as there are ongoing legal proceedings.

Do the girls want their hair cut?
Are there any grandparents involved that could get their hair cut and then the repercussions aren't on your dp?

What would the mother do if there was glue from a craft afternoon or sticky sweets from a kids party accidentally stuck in the hair? Hypothetically speaking of course.

It must be difficult for you and your dpnknowing they are not being fed and cared for as well as expected.

He always takes them to do something fun and therefore baths them in the evening to make sure they go home clean so as not to get an earful from their mum.

This doesn't read very nice. So as not to get an 'Earful' from their Mum? How about baths them before they go back because it's the right thing to do? You sound like you have no respect for this lady and if dp was a better Dad he would see them more than once a week. Butt out. Have u got children?

I think it's actually helpful to point out to the OP. Statistically, she is likely to be naive and believed the bad ex narrative rather than her version. If OPs partner is the good Dad she claims him to be, he will have waited a long time from splitting with his ex before introducing a new partner. That means he has had years to go through family court. If we encourage women to believe mens lies, more children are brought into dysfunctional situations and OP ends up on the recieiving end of the attacks by the next new partner. The purpose of the OP is to attack a woman for her 'neglectful parenting'. I think it is helpful to point out that the other parent, that OP is currently in a relationship with is currently neglecting his DC by providing them with so little day to day care.

Totally agree. All hair despite what some would say need regular trims to get is healthy.