He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

You seem to be withholding a bit here about his response to your concerns, which is your prerogative. If you've already decided it's over, it doesn't matter.

Have you not been inside his house even once op?? Not even to have a cup of tea? I think that's really odd! As are the very very fixed nights he won't spend with you. 🤔

Sorry. I did say earlier that i asked and he said the house is a mess and he wants to decorate. He said he has wanted her to move out for years but can't bring himself to force it as it would cause so much trouble so he's stuck with her. He worries that she's there for life. She is very odd, never had a relationship and really rude. Her behaviour is quite bullying and he just shuts up and takes it so i think he's aware that he doesn't have the balls to stand his ground. She babysits her sisters kids there at times. As sister has four they seem to share. He feels obliged and has basically been edged out of his own place the more i think about it.

I think it's one thing if he prefers to stay at yours - if I were you I wouldn't want to stay at his if his daughter was there (with that attitude).

What's unforgivable though is that he doesn't contribute anything yet he's basically living with you five days a week. He's using you.

It's infringing on the OP to have him there five nights a week cooking for him, no free time to herself to just sit and slob out, no free evenings for her friends or her own kids to just pop in unexpectedly and this guy refuses to have OP over to his for one cup of tea once in six months. Why does everything have to suit him and his DC, but OP and her DC have to go spin on it? Like you write you would put your adult DC first, so why shouldn't OP do that for her and no longer have an unrelated adult call the shots in OP home when that adult doesn't even live there (I include this guy and his DD in that, they have far too much say in a home neither live in)

I have told him that the three of us could not live together (bleeding obvious or what?) As the smacked-ass face and rudeness would make mine unwelcome. He gets it but he's whipped!

Never

I would be doing some research to see if he actually does own the house. I wonder if you're dating Walter Mitty.

This would be my concern - I’d be very tempted to do an electoral register search to check he actually lives at the address you visit and/or a land registry one. All cheap and easily done on line!

Unfortunately i can see it turning into me funding him because he's funding her if i'm not already!

That's a choice, @Swimminglikeaswan, and you're entirely free not to make it

Personally I liked a PP's suggestion to wait until you pick him up/drop him off, say you desperately need to use his loo and see what happens

I realise you're "taking a break" at the moment, but what would happen do you think?

Thank you but tbh it's all too toxic to bother

You’re his respite from his daughter. A suitable easy way to escape without spending too much money imo. Sorry OP I think you should throw this one back.

I can answer that one. 🤣
Here goes!
I realised i was going to have what i'm going to call "a turbo curry moment" when we were out about a month ago. He drove me to a supermarket with a loo although his place was closer!

I think if you have to do research on a prospective partner then it's already over

Me too!

if he can't get someone who is mouthy and sponging to grow up there is a knock-on effect on me going forwards

Then why are you even been imagining a lovely future with this man in the first place. You clearly can't stand his daughters. Whether he is weak with them or whether they are actually very close and he is happy with the way things are, he is never going to put you first. Even less so when he gets to realise how much you despise them.

This relationship has no future. He might have done if you could have respected his relationship with them, and that they will always have a huge place in his life, but it doesn't seem to be the case. More a situation that will only end with a 'you choose, them or me' and he won't pick you, even if he says he does.

I can't imagine why all the previous relationships failed 😕.

I think we have crossed wires, one dd is great. The complaints about the other are his, not mine. I would have just given it time but it seems pointless without a way forward which is for him to make, not me. He wants a future but the hold-up is on his side.

Bloody hell.

Maybe he doesn't really live there.

Maybe he has a bedsit.

If he really does live in his house how in 6 months has he not been able to change it from a shit-hole into a palace for you to see?

😯
He's clearly thought in advance about what he would do if you asked to use the loo at his house.

In practical terms, he's had ten years. If mess was the issue it would have been done long before i rocked up!

Bummer! 🤣🤣🤣

so the fact it's a mess is a red herring.

Maybe he's one of those hoarders we see on TV and it's got worse not better over 10 years!

I think you should employ a private detective. Get them to go in some disguise and need to inspect something in the house, urgently. Say the neighbours have complained about a smell of gas (or something ) and they must check inside NOW.

perhaps he lives in sheltered housing and has to be there to show his face two days a week, ie bingo night Monday and the residents lunch Thursday or questions would be asked and his HB would be withdrawn as a non resident, he doesn’t own the house at all, its his daughter’s, (however acquired)who always has a gob on her as the plan for him to have his feet tucked permanently under your table is not moving fast enough.

I like this theory🤗

also you could look up Social Housing in wherever, as this could be rented property?

speaking of tables, he doesn’t bring too much to yours does he, draining your life as opposed to enhancing