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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:45

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:43

so the fact it's a mess is a red herring.

Maybe he's one of those hoarders we see on TV and it's got worse not better over 10 years!

Or it's a shrine, or a knocking shop, or Norman Bates's storage unit. DILLYGAF at this point. It's toxic and i don't deserve it

OP posts:
SilverChampagne · 03/12/2024 18:46

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:31

I can answer that one. 🤣
Here goes!
I realised i was going to have what i'm going to call "a turbo curry moment" when we were out about a month ago. He drove me to a supermarket with a loo although his place was closer!

Ah, come on, op! You must realise that’s not normal??

MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 18:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. DP doesn't necessarily see it but as PP have said he is being managed out of his house by a DD who knows how to pull his strings. He is possibly terrified of losing his DD and she knows this and is playing on it, seen it before with some parents, they get blackmailed by manipulative adult children it is all too common.

DD is comfortable with her current arrangement, sadly the only thing that will work is to change that cushy number, she won't change when she doesn't have to. Still as you know OP that's not your problem it's his.

Have you put a time limit on this break so you can catch up with him about what you both want from the future or is it open ended?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:47

SilverChampagne · 03/12/2024 18:46

Ah, come on, op! You must realise that’s not normal??

Not making excuses. Dad is palliative and i had abdominal surgery last week. It's all taken my eye off, of the ball a bit. Now i have thinking time it's a different story

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:49

MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 18:46

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. DP doesn't necessarily see it but as PP have said he is being managed out of his house by a DD who knows how to pull his strings. He is possibly terrified of losing his DD and she knows this and is playing on it, seen it before with some parents, they get blackmailed by manipulative adult children it is all too common.

DD is comfortable with her current arrangement, sadly the only thing that will work is to change that cushy number, she won't change when she doesn't have to. Still as you know OP that's not your problem it's his.

Have you put a time limit on this break so you can catch up with him about what you both want from the future or is it open ended?

Haven't put a time on it

OP posts:
ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:50

Because you've met his daughter and family I assume it's pretty clear he doesn't have another woman in the house. Many moons ago I discovered a wife in my date's (same as you- never went there.)

Ceramiq · 03/12/2024 18:50

Run for the hills. If he loved you and wanted a proper relationship he would invite you into his home and show you that he is able to take care of you.

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 18:50

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 17:10

I am sitting back because he wants to be with me so achieving that is for him to sort. Frankly i think she will stay until he dies as she thinks everything she sees is hers by right, the house included. I have raised two children. I'm not babying a 35 year old that's his issue

I told you it was financial abuse and coercive control, didn't I?

She does not want you to get your feet under the table. She does not want to lose what she thinks is rightfully hers, and you are a threat. Does she have the wrong idea about your finances and think you are a gold-digger?

MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 18:50

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:49

Haven't put a time on it

Sounds like you've made up your mind about the relationship ending already.

I can' say I blame you, has he contacted you since you took a break or has he left it?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:51

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:50

Because you've met his daughter and family I assume it's pretty clear he doesn't have another woman in the house. Many moons ago I discovered a wife in my date's (same as you- never went there.)

Yes i'm assuming the same but wonder if i can't go, or be seen there

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:52

MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 18:50

Sounds like you've made up your mind about the relationship ending already.

I can' say I blame you, has he contacted you since you took a break or has he left it?

Have heard nothing

OP posts:
FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 03/12/2024 18:52

A friend of mine has a very close girlfriend who was seeing a guy for 2 years.
They lived an hour or so apart.
In those 2 years she was never once in his house, or his town I think, for that matter.
He said he was doing up the house, a bit of a project.
I asked my friend to get his full name and we'd head down to do a "drive-by" but it never happened. They've split up now anyway.

Out of curiosity, would you stake out the house and watch the comings and goings? I wouldn't be able to stop myself!!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/12/2024 18:53

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:45

Or it's a shrine, or a knocking shop, or Norman Bates's storage unit. DILLYGAF at this point. It's toxic and i don't deserve it

Crime Boss. He's growing weed OP. The DD is contemplating a takeover. 😂

but you are right OP you don't deserve it.

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:53

I am sitting back because he wants to be with me so achieving that is for him to sort. Frankly i think she will stay until he dies as she thinks everything she sees is hers by right, the house included. I have raised two children. I'm not babying a 35 year old that's his issue

when older people find a new partner, they often decide well in advance what to do with inheritances.

Usually, the children inherit the house but the new spouse has the right to live there for life.

If his DD is worried, these are open conversations that need to be had.

MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 18:53

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:52

Have heard nothing

So sorry OP, it's really sad when you meet one you like and there is a sticking point he doesn't address.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:53

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 18:50

I told you it was financial abuse and coercive control, didn't I?

She does not want you to get your feet under the table. She does not want to lose what she thinks is rightfully hers, and you are a threat. Does she have the wrong idea about your finances and think you are a gold-digger?

I have no idea. He gets abuse, i try to interact nicely and get blanked

OP posts:
VacuumPacked · 03/12/2024 18:53

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:47

Not making excuses. Dad is palliative and i had abdominal surgery last week. It's all taken my eye off, of the ball a bit. Now i have thinking time it's a different story

OP this is major, do you have anyone looking after you,
do you have care at home,
did your Dad get to meet this fella?
you should be resting! stressless!

presume this bloke knows you had surgery?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2024 18:55

It's toxic and i don't deserve it

Nail on head, @Swimminglikeaswan - though just driving you to a supermarket loo rather than his (closer) home would have sealed it for me

I don't pretend to know what's really going on here, but the one certainty is that it's nothing healthy relationship-wise

Edited to add that I'd tell him why I was ending it too. I suspect you wouldn't be the first one, but addressing this remains his choice and he doesn't get to dictate yours

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:55

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:51

Yes i'm assuming the same but wonder if i can't go, or be seen there

Do you pick him up from his house? Do you actually see him come out of the house?

My 'ex' lived an hour away and always came to see me. Eventually I became suspicious and paid a surprise visit....the rest is history, as they say.

Mrsgreen100 · 03/12/2024 18:57

Perfect and only time of year to turn up at his with a Christmas hamper and stuff ring on the bell when you know he’ll be there and if he doesn’t let you in his house is either a shit hole or his daughter isn’t allowing him to have a relationship Worth a try would be weird not for him to ask you in

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:57

MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 18:53

So sorry OP, it's really sad when you meet one you like and there is a sticking point he doesn't address.

Making light of it here but am. 😭😭😭
My friends are all going "wtf? You've met a nice one and he's TOO nice"

Me or him? His dd is bleeding him dry and pushing him out.
I'm feeding him but not allowed to visit.
You could apply financial abuse or cc either way

OP posts:
ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:57

If he knows you have had surgery is he showering you with flowers?

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:58

My friends are all going "wtf? You've met a nice one and he's TOO nice"

Do your friends know all of this?

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/12/2024 18:59

VacuumPacked · 03/12/2024 18:53

OP this is major, do you have anyone looking after you,
do you have care at home,
did your Dad get to meet this fella?
you should be resting! stressless!

presume this bloke knows you had surgery?

Sorry to hear that OP. You are going through a hard time all round. Flowers Hope you have some help at hand and make a speedy recovery.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:00

VacuumPacked · 03/12/2024 18:53

OP this is major, do you have anyone looking after you,
do you have care at home,
did your Dad get to meet this fella?
you should be resting! stressless!

presume this bloke knows you had surgery?

I'm ok. I have fab friends and neighbours and am doing well in the circs.
Dad is too confused to know much.
He drove me to and from op and stayed for a couple of days. The first and only time the Thursday-night rule was ever broken 😂

OP posts:
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