He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

I dated someone who had an adult daughter that lived with him and she wanted him at her beck and call. He used to spend weekends at mine and on average she called him 10/12 every weekend for minor things.

She called when we were out to dinner once saying she couldn’t turn the heating on and screaming at him to come home - which he did ffs!

And as ludicrous as this sounds, we were away in Spain and she called him saying she couldn’t find her car keys and wanted him to change his flight up THAT DAY to fly home to help her find them. She was over 30 btw.

And that’s just a couple of examples. There were many many more - I had enough! I did go to his but less and less as time went on because she did my f**king head in.

She didn’t want him having a relationship because it took his attention away from her.

Ditto
You will end up feeling increasingly resentful OP and understandably so
U r doing all the accommodating

This would annoy me is he contributing to your bills when staying 5 nights a week presumably showering in yours eating your food cooking etc? I would not be happy if feels one sided and completly as you have said it is nice to have time away from home. Stop inviting him round so he has no option but to invite you over and if he backs off then there is a clear reason why

So. Basically i'm 50, have raised two adults, survived a terrible marriage and chemo. I don't need this shit. Was taking a bit of time out. Now taking my remaining time out! Thank you X

Sounds like a sensible idea OP. He sounds like hard work and his daughter more so!

But that's how wealthy people fund their children's lives to reduce inheritance tax, nothing wrong with that in my book, especially that dd1 has children.

I expect dd2 has been promised the house and treats it as hers.

The biggest red flag I can see is that you've tried several times to discuss this with him (like adults) and you hit a brick wall every time. Its the complete lack of transparency that is the problem.
After six months, where he is at yours for five nights a week, including weekends, something he pushed for, it is simply courtesy for you to be allowed some transparency and some frank discussion about where the relationship is going.
But
You aren't allowed into the house.
His two other days are sacrosanct... What happens every week on those two specific days? does he do on those 2 days? Take part in Darts Tournaments, attending Slam poetry, gaming, gambling, watching his favourite soap, could be anything?
Given that lack of transparency, it's not unreasonable for you to doubt what he has been telling you. You only have his word for it that he paid off 300k in debts for his wife. That she didn't have life insurance etc... even that his DD is living off him. For all you know, the wife may have left her estate to her children. It may be his own £300k debt he paid off. It may be the DD who is paying the bills because you know, he only lives there for two days a week now.

You just don't know, you've asked and he's not even letting you beyond the front door. (Stop waiting in the car follow them up to the door and ask to use the loo).

You could go down the route of checking up on him, since his behaviour has raised suspicions. However, he could just discuss these things with you, but he just doesn't want to be honest with you, so how much point would there be ?

I saw you'd posted something along the lines of 'taking a breath/ breather' and thought it meant you were reassessing now based on comments here.

It didn't come over as if you'd already told him you were pausing your relationship. My mistake.

Unfortunately OP the over 50 dating pool is full of men with more baggage than Gatwick.

Is it definitely his house and not the daughter's house?

That would explain why you aren't let stay?

@Swimminglikeaswan

Was giving it some more thought. I wonder if his 'goal' is to get away from his DD by moving in with you and just letting her have/stay in his house. If he helped DD1 get a house, stands to reason that DD2 would feel she's entitled to a house too. Far easier (and cheaper) for him to just leave her at 'his' house and move elsewhere.

Even if this relationship could be salvaged, can you imagine the nightmares if you and he should buy a house together? His DD would still feel entitled to his time and money, and if he should predecease you even a legal life estate wouldn't stop her from harassing you to sell up.

You also need to consider whether or not you want to become a carer for this man. You know his DD isn't going to do it, so if you should move in together it will be expected that YOU will be his carer. Is that something you want to do?

I think you need to either convert your 'pause' into a permanent break up or do a serious 'redefining' of your relationship back into 'we're just dating' and 'we won't be moving in together, ever'.

If the time comes that I should ever lose my DH, hell will freeze over before any man would permanently park his boots under my bed.

She is using him by staying at his and depending on him to pay for everything.

He is using you by staying at yours (5/7) and depending on you to pay for everything.

Of course he likes staying with you - he allows her to do whatever she wants in his house, including hosting friends.

TBH it's a clear-cut case of LTB as far as I'm concerned. He's a dreadful parent. Who buys one child a house just to get them out of his house? Who allows a 35-year-old to take such advantage of everyone.

And who lives with a woman 5 days a week because he's too scared to confront his own adult daughter?

I'd get away from all of them.

And, given he's never in his house, if it's a mess that's down to his daughter and it's down to him to force that issue.

This guy has been parenting since his teens/early 20s. I can't blame him for wanting a bit of escapism.

WE don't know him at all but for me if he isn't willing to make things happen re. his daughter, I'd find him spineless. That isnt an attractive quality in a man.

OP do you have kids? My oldest is 33 doesn't live with me but if she did I would certainly put her before any other person. If he is coming to your house it's not infringing on anyone else if you live alone, if you go to his then his daughter has to accommodate you in HER home. She has probably supported her Dad through difficult times and vice versa she deserves some respect. You don't like the balance in the relationship walk away.

Sounds like she feels entitled to the same as her sister - a home paid for by Daddy - and he may well think that's the fairest thing too.

It's a no win for you in any case Op.

It was ten years ago and although it's not my business it is one of the concerns he has raised with me

You've done the right thing to pause it.

You know the definition of madness? Yes? Doing the same thing and expecting a different outcome.

you've created a space. See if he fills it (or rather you fill his!)

I would be concerned that his intention is to vacate the house he spends a couple of nights in completely and give it to DD.

Then he moves into OPs house with nothing.

Fuck that shit.

That's ok, was trying to explain as clearly as i could but keep it short(ish)

This is why i have a cat 😂

What was his reaction to you taking a break?

He's been transparent about his daughter relying on him, but not about why he won't let you in his home. I can't think of any reasons that are OK. If it's a mess then maybe you wouldn't want to spend lots of time there, and if it would upset his daughter you shouldn't stay long, but it doesn't mean you can't pop in occasionally.
I had a boyfriend for a few months who explained he couldn't invite me to his home because his son lived there part of the week. Fine, I said, understood about not meeting your son yet, but can I come when he's with your ex? Oh yes, he said, but refused to arrange anything. It turned out that the place he said he was living in belonged to his work, and he actually lived somewhere else. I never found out where, or who with.
If people really love each other, there's no need for such secrecy.

I have two kids. 28 & 22, both independant, both decent to him. The original question to him when he said he wants us to make a life and home together was "that would be lovely one day if this all goes well, how would we go about that? What's the plan?"
His complaints about dd and my limited witnessing

He was gutted