He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

I've read your posts op. The situation is indeed strange. Can't believe the toilet story. There should be mutual visits and he might be taking advantage of you, do be careful etc etc... But... and but...
The way you talk about the dd irks me. "Sponger" you say. "entitled" and "thinks it's her house" You don't really know her, all you have are his words but you said he talks about dd politely. So "sponger" is your way of describing her. I agree with the posters saying her staying in the house she grew up in being normal if she wants to, and yes it is her house I'm afraid! It isn't yours and never will be! You are in the man's life for six mere months and look at the way you want her dd out the house, being afraid the house being a shrine (I guess you mean photos of the dead ex wife.. In their own family home... Why the f*ck there shouldn't be photos?! What exactly constitutes a shrine in your opinion? ) you sound like you want to go in, marry him, occupy this house, get the dd and any traces of the dead wife out. Is that your ideal scenario here?
As I said the behaviour is suspicious. But so is yours. If I was the man and read this, I'd run a mile. If I was with this man I'd run a mile too. So no way out I can see, except an honest conversation...

Agreed.

In that case, why are you even with him? That's so weird.

He has lived with his daughter since he was 21 so hes not going to kick her out, he probably likes having her there as it reminds him of his wife, id love to know what he does on the 2 days he doesnt see you, but then again maybe we dont want to know!

I definitely don't want to move there but as he's brought up both selling up and buying together in the future i have asked how he'd like to achieve that. He's the one with the complaints not me

I don't want to move in. He's suggesting both selling up and buying together. He's complaining about dd.

My DF had a BF like this. 15 years later, she did eventually go to his house but didn't stay overnight, he dumps her for someone else and she is left in bits.
This is not sustainable. You are not being unreasonable.

Big hugs x

My thoughts are:

Either house is a right mess and he's embarrassed or his dd doesn't like you (or the idea of you) and kicks off about you going round or both.

His plan is to slowly but surely move in with you and let his dd stay in the house. If you're in the sex-mad phase he probably feels uncomfortable with the dd around.

Does the dd work? Would she have been at home when you needed the loo? If so I'd say she's the problem, if not it could be the mess.

He sounds like he has no backbone and is an avoidant type who's just hoping it will all work out (ie. Hell move in full time with you and avoid upsetting his dd).

He sounds a bit pathetic.

Thank you for reading. I don't get all of the nonsense about me wanting to kick daughter out. He wants to both sell up and buy together at some point. I have a lovely home. I'm happy here, but i would consider it in the future. I have only asked how he'd like to achieve that 🙄

Hi OP haven't rtft but it does sound to me like it's one of those situations in life where there is more going on than you know about and that the issue doesn't sound to be about your relationship as such, it sounds like the issue is with him.

There is something more going on. Either another woman who is working away, wife's photos are still up and there is a mini shrine to her, the daughter has said you can't enter the home, the daughter is too much in charge, he and his daughter are really disgustingly messy, he / his daughter have a big smack addiction, whatever it is you don't want it and you don't want a weak man who is people pleasing his daughter and not having what he wants - you visiting - or people pleasing you and not wanting you disrupting life with his daughter.

Either way I would majorly back off at this point and leave them to it. You sound as though you have lots about you and know what you want. He won't give it to you. You deserve better xx

Op, there are many people who can’t conceive of a woman being financially independent and want to imagine you as a gold digger.. Don’t let them get you down. Chuck this man back into the sea.

Thank you. You have summed up the whole reason for me speaking to him. I would love to make a home with someone in the future. I have never properly had that. As he's brought it all up i have asked the necessary questions. He is nice, but too nice and i don't want to waste time when right now it feels like he's future faking Xx

So many fish!
Such a shallow sea!
🤣
Thank you

Op I think your gut feeling was telling you something wasn't right. It's too imbalanced and you are giving way more than he is. I know you want to find someone special but my advice would be to give less next time and only ever the same as the other person is giving you. Otherwise it can lead to feeling used or taken for granted. You will be okay. Onwards and upwards xx

Awwww! Thank you. It's been a tough year and is only post-op, in the last few days that i've had thinking space and gone "hang on a minute", "how have i slipped into this?"

Very odd. Take a break....

What is his daughter like, it seems you already met her? Also what happened to his wife/mum of daughter? Did she pass away and the house is full of memories of her? Maybe he can't let go and he and his daughter keep her memory alive inside the house like you said a shrine, so maybe guilt and sadness is blocking him from inviting you in. Either way, you can't live like that. Balls in his court now and you did the right thing by cooling off

I agree… was this his marital home and her family growing up home ?? That’s a lot for someone to face in life I think and I can understand why he is moving slowly. It’s possible he just needs more time - it might be very strange for him to have you in the house. I can see why he would have good legitimate reasons for moving slowly. I think you’re underestimating maybe the different perspectives you both have - I would try being a bit more empathetic with his situation; I would also think that if it’s been this hard for him to rebuild a romantic life after being widowed; he might really really like you. x

He sounds like one of life's total passengers. He just gets up each day and lets life happen to him. Whatever is the line of least resistance, he takes it. He doesn't like his living situation but doesn't have the motivation to change it on his own. He would like it if you would bring some competence and drive to his passive existence and sort it all out for him. He probably cares about you but he doesn't actually care about anything or anyone enough to take some bloody initiative. It's unattractive and it falls well short of what you deserve.

Hi! One daughter is ace, the other is very odd and just seems to hate him. Mum had a stroke when the two of them were on holiday but it was all very messed up.

OP, you sound lovely. Throw this one back. The family dynamic and general weirdness about not letting you visit his home is ridiculous. Hope you are feeling better from your surgery.

If he's gifted the house to his daughter, he has to pay market rent, utilities and other bills associated with the property. For IHT purposes.
That would explain his remark that he pays for everything.

If so she may be dictating who he has there.
Mon & Thurs daughter might have gym or something and that's his only chance to enjoy the home.
Don't be tempted to check deeds with the Land Registry, I think they notify the owner of the check. That would be embarrassing.

If he can’t stand up for himself then he won’t have your back neither if it all kicks off.

He doesnt have her back even now.

He has love bombed OP - because he wants to move in with her and leave his house to his ridiculous DD because he hasnt parented her well enough to become an independent adult.

I would be really interested in his relationship history over the last 10 years - suspect many have thrown this one back.

His house is perhaps a cannabis farm, storing drugs, stolen goods, a hide for illegal immigrants etc?

Why do you think hes single after 10 years, men hate being on their own, she wont let him meet anyone and yes she does expect to live there until he dies but then the house will be sold and split between both daughters so she will be homeless anyway, hes using you as an excuse to sell the house and buy somewhere with you as he cant get rid of her.....either way hes in a toxic abusive relationship with his daughter and has no balls...and you dont need that.....