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AIBU?

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Original poster

He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 03/12/2024 23:05

Fuck it, plenty more around…

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 23:15

This does sound a bit like "your mum's dead, now you need to go too".

More like "Your mum died ten years ago, you're 37 and earning a good salary, perhaps it's time you thought about buying your own place".

Pipconkermash · 03/12/2024 23:21

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:52

Are You feigning interest (head tilt) Awww mate

Show quote history

No I’m not remotely interested. You sound crackers.

YesterdaysFuture · 03/12/2024 23:29

MarmaladeSideDown · 03/12/2024 23:15

This does sound a bit like "your mum's dead, now you need to go too".

More like "Your mum died ten years ago, you're 37 and earning a good salary, perhaps it's time you thought about buying your own place".

And "you need to get lost, because I've found another woman to look after me now and I need the money to spend with her".

invisiblebark · 03/12/2024 23:30

Maurepas · 03/12/2024 23:03

His house is perhaps a cannabis farm, storing drugs, stolen goods, a hide for illegal immigrants etc?

Or maybe he killed his wife and doesn't want OP to see the body in the freezer...

Original poster
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 23:32

invisiblebark · 03/12/2024 23:30

Or maybe he killed his wife and doesn't want OP to see the body in the freezer...

Show quote history

Netflix has a lot to answer for 🤣

OP posts:
Livelovebehappy · 03/12/2024 23:33

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:34

I haven't.

Show quote history

I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point.

But you have……

Original poster
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 23:45

Livelovebehappy · 03/12/2024 23:33

I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point.

But you have……

Show quote history

I don't think agreeing with him that the three of us living together is a non-starter is an issue. It certainly isn't the question asked is it?

OP posts:
itsmabeline · 03/12/2024 23:48

Have you tried saying to him I'd like to come in once even if it's messy. What does he say?

Have you just insisted if he keeps saying no and asked him why?

Mess isn't a good enough reasons

Ohnobackagain · 03/12/2024 23:52

Maybe @Swimminglikeaswan the break from being able to avoid his home life by staying at yours 5/7 will help him realise he needs to make some changes at home in order to see more of you and you can pick it up from there. He might come good. Or, he won’t and you’ll extend the time apart to permanent. I suspect he’s allowed daughter to gradually take over without really noticing - if that is the case, he needs to reset things without you being on the scene really. I hope if nothing else uou get to have a good conversation about all this.

Tahlbias · 03/12/2024 23:52

It sounds as if he is under the thumb with the daughter. She doesn't want you in the house, so he's siding with her!

Moveoverdarlin · 03/12/2024 23:58

Regardless of the daughter situation I would find it very bizarre to be in a relationship with someone for six months and not know what their home looked like. A home tells you so much about someone. I assume he’s hiding something. A hoarding problem, a wife, a collection of sex toys. It’s just weird not to have been in his house. I’d expect that after dating for a couple of weeks.

PrincessofWells · 03/12/2024 23:59

PiggyPigalle · 03/12/2024 22:58

If he's gifted the house to his daughter, he has to pay market rent, utilities and other bills associated with the property. For IHT purposes.
That would explain his remark that he pays for everything.

If so she may be dictating who he has there.
Mon & Thurs daughter might have gym or something and that's his only chance to enjoy the home.
Don't be tempted to check deeds with the Land Registry, I think they notify the owner of the check. That would be embarrassing.

Do you really think the Land Registry has the time to notify property owners of searches 😂

Cyb3rg4l · 04/12/2024 00:03

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

Ok so third wheel daughter is probably non-negotiable at this point so that is a reason in itself imo
Five obvious potential scenarios for no visits spring to mind:

  1. Daughter’s home so she rules the roost
  2. Shrine to his dead wife (also tied in to above)
  3. Massive hoarder so embarrassed
  4. He sees your relationship as a situationship and doesn’t want to rock the boat at home.
  5. House is not his but belongs to his daughter
PiggyPigalle · 04/12/2024 00:06

PrincessofWells · 03/12/2024 23:59

Do you really think the Land Registry has the time to notify property owners of searches 😂

Show quote history

HM Land Registry - Property Alert
😂

https://propertyalert.landregistry.gov.uk/

PrincessofWells · 04/12/2024 00:08

PiggyPigalle · 04/12/2024 00:06

Show quote history

Yes, if he's bothered to sign up for it 🙄

SilverChampagne · 04/12/2024 00:10

PiggyPigalle · 04/12/2024 00:06

Show quote history

The alert is triggered if there’s a attempt to alter the information, not every time someone looks at it.

PrincessofWells · 04/12/2024 00:11

PiggyPigalle · 04/12/2024 00:06

Show quote history

Read it . . .

"Email alerts are sent when official searches and applications are received against a monitored property"

It only sends alerts when "official searches and applications are received". A general ownership check will not be flagged . . . 😴

Cyb3rg4l · 04/12/2024 00:29

YesterdaysFuture · 03/12/2024 23:29

And "you need to get lost, because I've found another woman to look after me now and I need the money to spend with her".

Show quote history

or it’s time you found your feet as an adult so I can fund my own future and the retirement I’ve been working for and find love again in the years I have left.

Stravaig · 04/12/2024 00:33

Sounds like his adult daughter has been exploiting him for a very long time. Moving him out to yours gives her an entire house for free.

Perhaps DD is echoing how his wife treated him, or how he treated his wife, or perhaps both were ineffectual at parenting, and DD always ruled the roost.

Whatever the precise mechanics, his habitual relationship pattern is an abusive one, which should be a dousing of icy cold water to stop you in your tracks.

This is based on your interpretations though. There could be something else entirely going on. I would simply think, and say, that it's not working for you. It doesn't feel right. And leave it at that.

A man who doesn't invite you to his home, ever.
Who doesn't share his space, ever.
Who doesn't do any of the work of hosting, ever.
Who doesn't seem to have a grounded plan for realising the romantic daydreams he has beguiled you with.
Who isn't honest with you about whatever is really going on in his house.

Who still has an adult child at home.
Who he doesn't just support, but indulges.
Who he expends vast financial resources on.
Who he doesn't seem to have parented effectively.
Who he seems to have an extremely unhealthy dynamic with.

Just don't continue, or go back, not unless he makes dramatic changes, both tangibly, and in his ability to be honest and share himself. Which will take him considerable time. While you get on with enjoying your life and meeting whoever else might happen along.

wonderingconcerned · 04/12/2024 00:42

Stravaig · 04/12/2024 00:33

Sounds like his adult daughter has been exploiting him for a very long time. Moving him out to yours gives her an entire house for free.

Perhaps DD is echoing how his wife treated him, or how he treated his wife, or perhaps both were ineffectual at parenting, and DD always ruled the roost.

Whatever the precise mechanics, his habitual relationship pattern is an abusive one, which should be a dousing of icy cold water to stop you in your tracks.

This is based on your interpretations though. There could be something else entirely going on. I would simply think, and say, that it's not working for you. It doesn't feel right. And leave it at that.

A man who doesn't invite you to his home, ever.
Who doesn't share his space, ever.
Who doesn't do any of the work of hosting, ever.
Who doesn't seem to have a grounded plan for realising the romantic daydreams he has beguiled you with.
Who isn't honest with you about whatever is really going on in his house.

Who still has an adult child at home.
Who he doesn't just support, but indulges.
Who he expends vast financial resources on.
Who he doesn't seem to have parented effectively.
Who he seems to have an extremely unhealthy dynamic with.

Just don't continue, or go back, not unless he makes dramatic changes, both tangibly, and in his ability to be honest and share himself. Which will take him considerable time. While you get on with enjoying your life and meeting whoever else might happen along.

100%. He will never change. V entrenched behaviours from a dysfuntional family whay before the wife died. SWERVE.......

Marcipex · 04/12/2024 00:54

I think there’s another woman in his life, who he only sees at weekends.

DBD1975 · 04/12/2024 01:02

In 6 months this man has not let you inside his home, regardless of the reasons, this is a massive red flag which he is waving in your face!
After a couple of weeks, I would have called time on it, because it is just weird.
What you allow to continue, will continue and it has. The unacceptable has become acceptable and now it is normality (when it so isn't).
Any 56 year old man who won't let you inside his home, or allows his daughter to dictate his life, really isn't worth the bother, in my opinion!

MarkingBad · 04/12/2024 01:11

Marcipex · 04/12/2024 00:54

I think there’s another woman in his life, who he only sees at weekends.

How does he manage that when he stayed at OP for weekends?

His nights off were Monday and Thursday

Enough4me · 04/12/2024 01:13

He and his daughter are adults. They have an agreement, which he knows is odd so he's lied to you. Stringing you along gives him reassurance of still keeping her happy, fun, space and sex for him. Great for him while it lasts.
He's really living his best life and is not the nice guy here.