He won't let me visit his home

[Swimminglikeaswan]

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

@Zone2NorthLondon

What the fuck, I must have missed that?!

Come on now, OP, you know what you need to do 🏃‍♀️ 🚩

@Swimminglikeaswan I think it's best to slowly back away, don't make eye contact and dont turn your back on her. Just nod and smile

I haven't

There's always one crazed keyboard warrior who hasn't read any of it 🤣

Ok, so he said he wants to be together, sell up move in together. How’s this demonstrated?
chatting in hotels?sat in the car? At yours? He won’t let you in his house but at undefined point want to sell up and move in

Nah. They don't 'come as a package'. 20/30 years ago I might have agreed with that sentiment but not now. She will always be his daughter but he has no legal or financial responsibility to her, she is a grown adult and is separate from her father, she shouldn't be treated like she's a dependant.

As to why she still lives there is anyone's guess, but pretending it's a moral outrage she might be asked to find her own place is a bit of a stretch. He can still be her father in different postcodes.

What if the supermarket was closed? Would he have driven you to a leafy lane so you could pee behind a tree? Dear god woman, think of the stinging nettles! I know you can’t be bothered to stalk him, but I would. It’d be like one of those dodgy Netflix thrillers, you could park in a side street with binoculars, wearing a peaked cap, like Michelle Keegan, taking photos and stuff. Just remember to wear your Tena knickers.

Mate, it’s only Tuesday. Are you alright?

It wasn't a wee - well it wasn't anything as it was a subterfuge, but the subterfuge wasn't that she needed a wee! The clue is in it being curry-related!

Are You feigning interest (head tilt) Awww mate

@Arlanymor Missed the curry clue! Take an Imodium before the stakeout OP. Sorted x

🤫

Imodium is a good shout

I’d be wary he is married but allowed an open relationship for sexual reasons! I would be losing patience with him op.

This. I don't see six months as all that long, nor would I have made my home so frequently available to him in such a short period of time.

I think his daughter just doesn't want to be under the same roof as her dad shagging. And I can't blame her.

Maybe draw back a little and see what happens. I really can't blame the man for setting clear boundaries. Not everyone wants a relationship to progress to living together/marriage. Especially in such a short period of time.

My SO and I maintain separate residences and have zero interest in cohabitation or marriage, even though we love one another very much and are very attracted.

Dating is about finding whether or not you are compatible with someone. You've learned that in this regard you aren't compatible. It's fine to move on, and this doesn't make your current boyfriend a bad person.

But they can do as they please! Many people have multi-generational homes even into adulthood, without it being pathological. Maybe neither of them wants to live alone.

The daughter certainly doesn't have to change her entire lifestyle to accomodate some woman her father's only been dating for six months. How absurd.

Being widowed at 45 isn't normal either. This does sound a bit like "your mum's dead, now you need to go too".

😂

I thought he might be a hoarder, but then DD2 couldn’t look after DD1’s children in the house. What a bizarre set-up, especially with those two fixed days of the week as well.

It’s good you’re taking a break. Too much uncertainty and hassle. Man of mystery.

The thing that worries me is that the excuses he has given are LIES.

I could not see a future with a man who has kept up a lie for 6 months.

She isn't. HE is the one telling her his expectations that they will move in together. HE is the one insisting on being at hers 5 nights a week. But never being there on two specific nights without telling her why.

The OP is perfectly within her rights to say that she won't move in if his daughter is there. So if he won't stand up to his DD then as far as OP is concerned there is no living together. Her prerogative.

And now OP has made her decision and put the brakes on, recognising that he doesn't have to always have things his way.

As above.

Sorry if this sounds transactional but …

At this time of year, winter deepens & you will be the generous hostess, keeping your heating on for “cosy nights in?”
Stuff that for a game of monkeys. He’s got it good hasn’t he?

I hope he contributes properly towards his 5 comfy nights. What are you getting out of it?

Meanwhile, is he a hoarder?
Can you peep through windows one day when you know he and daughter are defo out?

Did he actually introduce you to the family as his GIRLFRIEND, or more like a friend from work or something?

Is it at all possible that the wife is not actually dead, but is in fact sick and in a facility? This would mean he is not actually single and bringing you into his home would look very suspicious to the daughter.

OR, maybe he wasn't actually married to the dead wife and the house was left to the daughter by her mother and now daughter wants him out as she actually owns the house now.

Anyway. something is definitely up.

If by any chance you decide to give him another chance, tell him you expect to be invited round to his place for lunch on Christmas Day. He has plenty of time to clean up so no excuses about being a mess.

I be he won't allow it though.

Whatever the reason it looks like this one is dead in the water.

It’s not his house, it’s his daughters rental.