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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Thursdaygirl · 03/12/2024 19:55

Have I read this right - he drove the OP to a supermarket to use the loo, rather than letting the OP into his house????

Loopylouisalamb · 03/12/2024 19:56

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 19:50

not your business if adult daughter live there, he need to throw you back
6mth dating and you’re opining negatively about whether or not his daughter lives there. That’s her home, she not a third wheel. You’re the new gf who’s want to determine where his daughter loves and calling her a third wheel

he needs to get shot of you. Pronto
Six months dating? I’ve got tins in the larder longer than that

I’ve got tins in the larder longer than that

That's sort of the point of tins...

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 19:59

Loopylouisalamb · 03/12/2024 19:56

I’ve got tins in the larder longer than that

That's sort of the point of tins...

Daughter lives at home? That’s sort of the point of home…you live there

Loopylouisalamb · 03/12/2024 20:00

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 19:59

Daughter lives at home? That’s sort of the point of home…you live there

In your own home, yes. Not with your parents still at 35.

Livinghappy · 03/12/2024 20:01

Op, the saying "and excuse is a lie" applies here

One thing I have learned, people act in a way that serves their interests..no matter how toxic/unhealthy the reason is. He is getting "something" for acting this way...100% that's the case. You can't get in his head so don't try. There is no fix unless he decides to be honest and change.

Are you aware of the Karpman triangle? He is the victim, she is the prosecutor and you the rescuer. If you hold firm to boundaries he may switch to persecutor and you become the issue, with his daughter backing him up.

Good luck, real shame when you meet someone you click with but realise the relationship is unhealthy.

Livelovebehappy · 03/12/2024 20:03

Six months isn’t long at all. Still very early days, so not sure you’re at the point yet where you can start telling him what your expectations are long term.

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:04

Loopylouisalamb · 03/12/2024 20:00

In your own home, yes. Not with your parents still at 35.

Why? Says who?
cost of living means a lot of adults on 30s live at home. Can’t see the issue other than new girlfriend wants daughter out so she can presumably move in
If a woman were posting her new boyfriend of 6mth wants her adult daughter to move out there would be grave warning of red flags🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:07

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 19:50

not your business if adult daughter live there, he need to throw you back
6mth dating and you’re opining negatively about whether or not his daughter lives there. That’s her home, she not a third wheel. You’re the new gf who’s want to determine where his daughter loves and calling her a third wheel

he needs to get shot of you. Pronto
Six months dating? I’ve got tins in the larder longer than that

Well done. Maybe read the post.

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:08

Thursdaygirl · 03/12/2024 19:55

Have I read this right - he drove the OP to a supermarket to use the loo, rather than letting the OP into his house????

Yes you have!

OP posts:
Manypaws · 03/12/2024 20:17

@Zone2NorthLondon Have you been reading the same thread as the rest of us??

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:17

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:07

Well done. Maybe read the post.

Have and I think you’re putting your interest before hers. Sure you’ve not asked but you’ve hinted
Evidently he doesn’t want you accessing house, hence the hotel rooms and drive to use supermarket toilet and you not stepping* over the door
Nonetheless you’re the new gf hinting you want his daughter to move out of her home
Six month is not a lot on dating (I know someone will rock up saying they met,married and had a baby in 6mth😉) and are still together 38 year later

what ever going on,whatever the dynamics he’s not ready to disclose to you
She’s not likely to move out taking her third wheel with her

Codlingmoths · 03/12/2024 20:20

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:17

Have and I think you’re putting your interest before hers. Sure you’ve not asked but you’ve hinted
Evidently he doesn’t want you accessing house, hence the hotel rooms and drive to use supermarket toilet and you not stepping* over the door
Nonetheless you’re the new gf hinting you want his daughter to move out of her home
Six month is not a lot on dating (I know someone will rock up saying they met,married and had a baby in 6mth😉) and are still together 38 year later

what ever going on,whatever the dynamics he’s not ready to disclose to you
She’s not likely to move out taking her third wheel with her

She’s not hinting. She’s having a conversation, started by him. Is she just supposed to shut up and agree when he says let’s live together? No, she says what do you mean exactly as I won’t be moving in with your daughter.

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/12/2024 20:22

StormingNorman · 03/12/2024 14:02

He and his daughter obviously come as a package. As a girlfriend of six months, it’s not really your place to comment on whether she lives at home and what she pays into the household. Let alone drop some pretty heavy hints that he needs to kick his daughter out and move you in.

This.

I think you've got a bit of a cheek with your attitude towards his daughter tbh

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:27

Your issue is not the daughter, your issue is your partner for whatever reason (habit,or history)doesn’t want or let you in his house
You hear a nuanced narrative without complete ability to corroborate.
And your only arrived 6mth ago and have a notion the daughter need to move out

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:30

Manypaws · 03/12/2024 20:17

@Zone2NorthLondon Have you been reading the same thread as the rest of us??

Yup and @Swimminglikeaswan is the one who should be flung back. 6mth, sheesh, and doors that way ➡️➡️➡️➡️

JMSA · 03/12/2024 20:31

Turn up. Literally turn up with a bottle of wine one evening, and see what happens. He's the one calling all the shots, so see how he reacts when you take back some control.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he doesn't let you over the threshold then you ditch him, as that's too much weirdness.

Manypaws · 03/12/2024 20:33

@Zone2NorthLondon 🤣🤣🤣🤣Bless

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:33

JMSA · 03/12/2024 20:31

Turn up. Literally turn up with a bottle of wine one evening, and see what happens. He's the one calling all the shots, so see how he reacts when you take back some control.

His reaction will tell you everything you need to know. If he doesn't let you over the threshold then you ditch him, as that's too much weirdness.

If he drives her to supermarket toilet instead of use his,if the book hotels,he’s not going to open door for a Viognier

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:34

Livelovebehappy · 03/12/2024 20:03

Six months isn’t long at all. Still very early days, so not sure you’re at the point yet where you can start telling him what your expectations are long term.

I haven't.

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:35

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:04

Why? Says who?
cost of living means a lot of adults on 30s live at home. Can’t see the issue other than new girlfriend wants daughter out so she can presumably move in
If a woman were posting her new boyfriend of 6mth wants her adult daughter to move out there would be grave warning of red flags🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Who said i want her to move out? Read the posts

OP posts:
PrincessofWells · 03/12/2024 20:35

Hoarding can be a response to bereavement, I suspect either the daughter or he is a hoarder which explains his attitude toward op entering his house. He's ashamed.

Either way, I think op may have dodged a bullet.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:36

Manypaws · 03/12/2024 20:17

@Zone2NorthLondon Have you been reading the same thread as the rest of us??

Obviously not

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:36

Manypaws · 03/12/2024 20:33

@Zone2NorthLondon 🤣🤣🤣🤣Bless

Well that’s the only door available to her ➡️ he isn’t opening any door literally or metaphorically

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:36

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:36

Obviously not

Refer you to my previous answer
Yup and you’re out of order.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 20:37

Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 20:17

Have and I think you’re putting your interest before hers. Sure you’ve not asked but you’ve hinted
Evidently he doesn’t want you accessing house, hence the hotel rooms and drive to use supermarket toilet and you not stepping* over the door
Nonetheless you’re the new gf hinting you want his daughter to move out of her home
Six month is not a lot on dating (I know someone will rock up saying they met,married and had a baby in 6mth😉) and are still together 38 year later

what ever going on,whatever the dynamics he’s not ready to disclose to you
She’s not likely to move out taking her third wheel with her

What hinting?
What hotel rooms?
What are you drinking?

OP posts:
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