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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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He won't let me visit his home

579 replies

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 13:54

Ok, will try to keep this short. Have been with a lovely guy for six months and things have been going well. He was widowed ten years ago. He also has a 35 year old daughter living at home who contributes nothing despite working full-time and shows no intention of flying the nest. We spend five nights per week together, including weekends, but only ever at my home. The two nights we don't see each other are set in stone by him.
Although i have sat in his car outside of his home when we have picked his daughter up to go to a couple of his family events, i have never been invited to visit. I have told him that i understand that it is lovely for him to have somewhere to go (my place), to chill out and have down-time, but it would be equally nice for me to be able to do the same sometimes. We have had this conversation three or four times and he always gives the excuse that the house is messy and he has decorating that he would like to get done so the place is nice for me to visit. The outside is immaculate so i don't assume the inside is terrible.
He treats me well in all other ways and i adore him, but i am sick of being expected to host and i feel that after six months there should be more transparency.
As the family now know me, i assume there is no-one else involved. The only conclusion which springs to mind is that the place is maybe like some kind of "married" shrine.
I have told him that i can't see how we could form a home-life together in the future with the very co-dependant "third wheel" in tow and, that as lovely as he is, i want a break so we can both think it out as i feel used at this point. I'm gutted.

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:01

Puzzledandpissedoff · 03/12/2024 18:55

It's toxic and i don't deserve it

Nail on head, @Swimminglikeaswan - though just driving you to a supermarket loo rather than his (closer) home would have sealed it for me

I don't pretend to know what's really going on here, but the one certainty is that it's nothing healthy relationship-wise

Edited to add that I'd tell him why I was ending it too. I suspect you wouldn't be the first one, but addressing this remains his choice and he doesn't get to dictate yours

Edited

Done 👍

OP posts:
VacuumPacked · 03/12/2024 19:02

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:55

Do you pick him up from his house? Do you actually see him come out of the house?

My 'ex' lived an hour away and always came to see me. Eventually I became suspicious and paid a surprise visit....the rest is history, as they say.

don’t give us half a story ! what happened ?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:03

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 03/12/2024 18:52

A friend of mine has a very close girlfriend who was seeing a guy for 2 years.
They lived an hour or so apart.
In those 2 years she was never once in his house, or his town I think, for that matter.
He said he was doing up the house, a bit of a project.
I asked my friend to get his full name and we'd head down to do a "drive-by" but it never happened. They've split up now anyway.

Out of curiosity, would you stake out the house and watch the comings and goings? I wouldn't be able to stop myself!!

Can't be arsed

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 19:04

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 18:57

Making light of it here but am. 😭😭😭
My friends are all going "wtf? You've met a nice one and he's TOO nice"

Me or him? His dd is bleeding him dry and pushing him out.
I'm feeding him but not allowed to visit.
You could apply financial abuse or cc either way

Absolutely, it's not fair on you at all you deserve a lot better than this.

It's not like this is a normal situation where an adult child lives in the house, pays their way, and has to accept that the parent might have a partner at some point. To pretty much ignore a parents partner after 6 months is incredibly childish, for you not to be allowed in the house by him is ridiculous.

No need to sneak about playing silly buggers and stalking him, like some PP are suggesting, when you are treated like this, it's bloody awful.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:07

ForeveronMN · 03/12/2024 18:57

If he knows you have had surgery is he showering you with flowers?

No he's lying low because i have explained all of this to him and told him to go home because i need space. I guess he's assuming i'm alive

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:09

MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 19:04

Absolutely, it's not fair on you at all you deserve a lot better than this.

It's not like this is a normal situation where an adult child lives in the house, pays their way, and has to accept that the parent might have a partner at some point. To pretty much ignore a parents partner after 6 months is incredibly childish, for you not to be allowed in the house by him is ridiculous.

No need to sneak about playing silly buggers and stalking him, like some PP are suggesting, when you are treated like this, it's bloody awful.

Thank you. I'm not playing Secret Squirrell. I'm an honest person and i won't lower myself to his kind of behaviour.

OP posts:
MarkingBad · 03/12/2024 19:14

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:09

Thank you. I'm not playing Secret Squirrell. I'm an honest person and i won't lower myself to his kind of behaviour.

I totally agree, if you can't trust them the relationship isn't and never will be valid.

SpryCat · 03/12/2024 19:16

You deserve better than to get involved in a toxic triangle with him and his daughter. If he can’t stand up for himself then he won’t have your back neither if it all kicks off. I would put your feet up and thank god you have a peaceful home x

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:18

SpryCat · 03/12/2024 19:16

You deserve better than to get involved in a toxic triangle with him and his daughter. If he can’t stand up for himself then he won’t have your back neither if it all kicks off. I would put your feet up and thank god you have a peaceful home x

Thank you that's really comforting

OP posts:
Electricalb · 03/12/2024 19:19

Oh OP, you have been through far too much to be used and for your home to be used by a weak man wanting to escape his bullying daughter.

He could put the house up for sale, but he won't.
Easier to find a woman with a fine house and live out his years at her expense.

I bet he is gutted.

LightSpeeds · 03/12/2024 19:20

Fireworknight · 03/12/2024 14:19

It is still only six months, but a bit unfair when your together five out of seven days.

He’s also got his cake and eating it. He’s at yours five days out of seven, so now doubt you’re cooking for him every night, plus providing ‘benefits’. Hope he’s not bringing washing over … . Is he becoming a stealthy cocklodger (or have I been in mn too long?).

Maybe his house is a mess, or his daughter is refuses to have female visitors etc. However, , it wouldn’t take much to tidy the lounge, kitchen and toilet for a movie night, or takeaway etc.

I agree with this.

I'm also wondering if he doesn't want you round as it will make sex more difficult/impossible with his daughter around.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:24

LightSpeeds · 03/12/2024 19:20

I agree with this.

I'm also wondering if he doesn't want you round as it will make sex more difficult/impossible with his daughter around.

It's not a sex thing. We're at it like rabbits but i'm the sex pest! 🤣

OP posts:
carly2803 · 03/12/2024 19:31

hes either a hoarder..... or just a cocklodger who wants time away from his daughter and hasnt the balls to tellher to leave

35 - she needs to spread her wings in the world, its just sad living at home at that age, having never tried !

MounjaroUser · 03/12/2024 19:31

I really do think you should check out the ownership of the place, because if you know he's lied completely about that, it'll make you not regret your decision in the future.

The fact he took you to the supermarket toilet would be the point where I'd end the relationship. Who the hell wants the runs in a public toilet? That's outrageous.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:34

carly2803 · 03/12/2024 19:31

hes either a hoarder..... or just a cocklodger who wants time away from his daughter and hasnt the balls to tellher to leave

35 - she needs to spread her wings in the world, its just sad living at home at that age, having never tried !

It's rediculous!

OP posts:
Plastictrees · 03/12/2024 19:34

Hi OP, you sound really nice. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you’ve decided to walk away?

Not being invited into his house for 6 months is really strange behaviour, not many people would accept this. Even worse though is his defensiveness and lack of ability or willingness to have an honest discussion about this. If he is a hoarder, or the house is a shrine to his late wife, or his daughter doesn’t want you there, or he’s got an unwieldy taxidermy collection, or a million other things - the fact he’s not willing to talk about it openly is a massive red flag.

5 nights a week is excessive for such an early relationship IMO. He was testing your boundaries and he has taken advantage of your kindness. Your house is not a hotel and things should be reciprocated. Be mindful of what you are willing to accept moving forwards, and what tone you are willing to set.

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:35

MounjaroUser · 03/12/2024 19:31

I really do think you should check out the ownership of the place, because if you know he's lied completely about that, it'll make you not regret your decision in the future.

The fact he took you to the supermarket toilet would be the point where I'd end the relationship. Who the hell wants the runs in a public toilet? That's outrageous.

Thank you. It hurts but i need to think of "me" and "mine" too! That's making it easier

OP posts:
YesterdaysFuture · 03/12/2024 19:36

Is it any surprise that the daughter is standoffish when her father's new partner of 6 months wants here kicked out of the house?

Pussycat22 · 03/12/2024 19:36

Do you think it's a safeguarding issue?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:36

Plastictrees · 03/12/2024 19:34

Hi OP, you sound really nice. From the sounds of it, it sounds like you’ve decided to walk away?

Not being invited into his house for 6 months is really strange behaviour, not many people would accept this. Even worse though is his defensiveness and lack of ability or willingness to have an honest discussion about this. If he is a hoarder, or the house is a shrine to his late wife, or his daughter doesn’t want you there, or he’s got an unwieldy taxidermy collection, or a million other things - the fact he’s not willing to talk about it openly is a massive red flag.

5 nights a week is excessive for such an early relationship IMO. He was testing your boundaries and he has taken advantage of your kindness. Your house is not a hotel and things should be reciprocated. Be mindful of what you are willing to accept moving forwards, and what tone you are willing to set.

Thank you! It's been a lesson for sure!

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:37

YesterdaysFuture · 03/12/2024 19:36

Is it any surprise that the daughter is standoffish when her father's new partner of 6 months wants here kicked out of the house?

Those were his complaints in private, not mine.

OP posts:
Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:38

Pussycat22 · 03/12/2024 19:36

Do you think it's a safeguarding issue?

Pardon?

OP posts:
PomPomSugar · 03/12/2024 19:39

I’ve not read the whole thread so someone may have suggested this already BUT have you thought that it may not be his house? It may be his daughter’s house and the reason he stays out is because she wants him out, or the reason you can’t go over is because she will not want her dads girlfriend in her house?

Swimminglikeaswan · 03/12/2024 19:41

PomPomSugar · 03/12/2024 19:39

I’ve not read the whole thread so someone may have suggested this already BUT have you thought that it may not be his house? It may be his daughter’s house and the reason he stays out is because she wants him out, or the reason you can’t go over is because she will not want her dads girlfriend in her house?

It's been suggested. Am not sure on that one as he's funding her life

OP posts:
Zone2NorthLondon · 03/12/2024 19:50

not your business if adult daughter live there, he need to throw you back
6mth dating and you’re opining negatively about whether or not his daughter lives there. That’s her home, she not a third wheel. You’re the new gf who’s want to determine where his daughter loves and calling her a third wheel

he needs to get shot of you. Pronto
Six months dating? I’ve got tins in the larder longer than that