Brother-in-Law only asking DH for Sunday Lunch

[ChorltonCreamery]

Right I can accept different views.

I can anticipate some comments that DH and I are separate people and I know this and he and I have separate friends (as well as joint Ones) but I think this is different.

BiL had invited DH and SiL out for Sunday lunch in a pub to meet his new partner. I think I should be invited as well.

What do people think? I can accept different views.

Give over, 30 years would make anyone cross.

No you don’t have to be included in everything sometimes it is ok to have one that is just those who grew up together and then another one when you are included

That said the way they treat you isn’t necessarily fair either there has to be something in the middle that makes them feel welcome

here in this instance the wedding was wrong I think the lunch is fine as a one off to introduce

Your BiL is being weird.

As is your dh for not saying "What about Chorlton?"

Like you say in your OP, I'm perfectly happy to go out to things without dh, as he is me, but if we were having 'Sunday lunch out to meet the family', then that would be the couples that were invited, as that is the normal thing to do in society.
It isn't like it is a meeting to discuss parents' POA or wills or moving to supported living or something - it is a social get together.

My husband has gone out with his brothers before without me I see no issue in it, sometimes you want to see your siblings without your partner I've done it to with my sister and not invited her partner because I want to spend time with my sister

Yes, but the BiL doing the inviting, is bringing his (new) partner, but not including his brother's (well established) partner.

I would be so happy to not be invited that I don't really know what to tell you OP. Maybe meet up with a friend and DC if you need sole social interaction?

I find it a little strange to invite his siblings but not one sibling's wife. I mean if your sister in law is also married and her other half is also not invited then there's consistency however family is family to me. At the end of the day to meet a small immediate group of family is hardly over whelming surely

As they are going to meet your BILs new partner I think I would feel annoyed too.
Its not going to effect your BIL who likes to opt out of things with the in-laws, but I can see why it hurts you as you will be the only one who won’t know your other BILs partner. They are being given an opportunity to start a relationship with her/him before you, and putting you on the outside of it from the start. I do find that strange.

Get DH to ask him why partners aren't invited when the lunch is literally to meet his partner

DP has met all of her SIL's new boyfriends for the first time without me. I can't imagine ever caring in the slightest about it, and I don't really understand why you do.

The wedding thing I get why you were pissed, but not this. He wants his new girlfriend to meet his siblings. You're another level further out from that, so you'll get to meet her a bit later. That seems perfectly normal to me.

For first family intro-I think its quite nice/considerate. Lets them meet in their actual "sibling"role -before intro to wider family.
its not really your shout,no point being upset-creating issue really

I agree, the wedding thing is not on, very rude imo, however this situation I really don’t see what the issue is. If other partners were attending then 100% it would be wrong to leave out the OP but it’s the siblings only.

It could also be that the new partner has said let keep it small/siblings only for now ( but not actually conveyed this to op and just said she’s not relevant) but I’m someone that likes things done in stages and what ultimately makes me feel comfortable when bring introduced to new people ( and I’m a bit of a victor meldrew these days, lol) so if I was the new woman I would probably say let’s just keep it to a minimum.

If it got back to me that the wife of the brother was pissed, quite frankly I wouldn’t even want to meet her because that’s already flagging drama and headache I don’t need/welcome into my life.

Different people impact the dynamic of the conversations. I have lunch without certain people because they tend to dominate the conversation, in a good way, but I don’t get to visit with the other people who are present. Bil may want this initial visit to focus on sibling dynamics and not the wider family. Be patient and entertain yourself.

I’m still confused about exactly who the SIL is! When somebody else asked this, you said, yes he’s invited his siblings but then go on to say you’re really annoyed because “If she’s there so should I!” If it’s three siblings getting together without any respective partners then I don’t see the problem, but if the SIL in question is BIL’s partner then I can see why you’d be put out.

BIL with the new girlfriend has invited his brother (who is married to OP) and his sister (SIL) to a meal to meet his new girlfriend.

That is my understanding, anyway.

Yes DH and his sister are invited to meet their brother’s new partner.

The new partner has already met my parents-in-law.

The ‘she’ I referred to was the new partner. I think in most normal families I (and sister-in-law’s husband too) would also be invited.

Husband’s family think in black and white. They are not unpleasant people, they see things logically. It wouldn’t occur to them why I would want to have gone to that wedding equally this lunch, they wouldn’t think that they were being rude and exclusionary.

If it were just siblings I would not be so offended.

I have no idea how the relationships will pan out. BiL has always said (not in relation to this woman) he would not marry as he wants his kids to inherit etc. I imagine if I do meet her it will be in passing; they would not prioritise introducing us.

If it were just siblings I would not be so offended.

But BIL's siblings wouldn't be able to meet her if she wasn't there...

This.

Op, he wants his girlfriend to meet his siblings.

You are not his sibling.
You are the wife of his sibling.
🙄

I think OP is saying the meal is three siblings plus one partner rather than three siblings and three partners.

OP, just generally back away from all of them. They keep you at arms length = you keep them at arms length.

If they invite you to some future event then there’s no need to attend if you don’t want to. If it clashes with something on TV, you can watch it! Or not, you can literally do as you please.

She could still have met them but me as well!

I get that the original family should have time together without partners but surely on this occasion they could have included me!

This arrangement probably isn't the most common way of introducing a new partner but there's nothing wrong with it either. He wants her to meet his siblings so he's arranged something with his siblings. Siblings' partners will be another time.
There are no rules.

They could have but they didn't. On this occasion you are irrelevant. I don't think it's a slight against you. You shouldn't take it as such.

But why? This meeting isn't about you. It's not about you meeting her. You will get your chance later. This is about your husband and his sister meeting their brother's new girlfriend. It's about them.

The message that this new partner will take from OP being left out of the invitation is that OP is not considered of importance in the family hierarchy: that she does not have an equal relationship with her DH.

I think the BiL is deliberately snubbing OP and OP's DH and SiL are backing him up and showing they think the new partner is of more significance in the family than OP.

I think OP has every right to be hurt and angry at being left out of this family get together.