Brother-in-Law only asking DH for Sunday Lunch

[ChorltonCreamery]

Right I can accept different views.

I can anticipate some comments that DH and I are separate people and I know this and he and I have separate friends (as well as joint Ones) but I think this is different.

BiL had invited DH and SiL out for Sunday lunch in a pub to meet his new partner. I think I should be invited as well.

What do people think? I can accept different views.

I think it’s odd that she’s being welcomed into the family, while you’re being left out. I wonder how your BIL would feel if he was invited to something by family and his partner was left out.

Personally I think it’s odd and excluding, but I’ve sort of been in your shoes. When they were both single, DP’s closest friend met someone, and their friendship expanded to include him, but when I rocked up a few years later, I was very much surplus to requirements. DP also noticed it, and the friendship drifted into nothing. So yeah, I think YANBU, but I might be biased.

So your husbands brother has invited his own brother and his own sister to meet his partner? And this has put you out majorly?
Why do you think you should be higher up the BILs list of important people, than his own actual siblings?
I'm sure you'll meet them eventually. I think you need to respect BILs own wants here.
I imagine you being a bit miffed cos you are interested in meeting them too but I don't think I'd be writing a post on Mumsnet about it. I don't understand why you are so angry or feel like you should be there.

I can't understand why anyone would be bothered about not being invited

Quite. Whenever dh's sibling group, one or more, are visiting his mother, they go out for a meal with her. I'm there, but not 'invited' as such. I suppose if I made a fuss they'd allow me to go, but I'm really not bothered. I don't want to hear them blather on about childhood memories.

It's weird and rude not to invite married partners especially when it's a meal albeit a casual one. I would be put out too.

He can choose to invite only his siblings if he pleases. I also think it’s better to invite no in-laws than to just exclude one.

You are entitled to feel upset, and to share it with your DH but you can’t ask your BIL to invite you.

What are you hoping to happen going forward? You can’t ask to be invited and surely you don’t want to attend something when the organiser doesn’t want you to be there? Maybe ask your DH to mention that you would like to go too, but ultimately leave it up to BIL.

Unfortunately, while you might be upset by a lack of invitation, you aren’t entitled to one so there’s not much you can do. It also sounds like you think you should be invited, rather than really wanting to go to the lunch.

He wants your DH to meet his partner.. but he isn't bothered about his partner meeting your DH's other half? Yes. I can understand why you might be a bit disgruntled.
But there's so many reasons..
Is he considering paying for the whole lunch and is therefore being a bit tight?
He's purposely doing a small intro so as not to make it a big deal for any of the parties involved?
He's aware Christmas is coming and so he's doing it in tranches to be less intimidating to the newbie
He's doing a trial run before parents intro
Or a trial run to see if she likes his folks. and get them all used to each other before the next gathering. You say the other BIL can be irritating, maybe he's keeping it just siblings so he won't be there, but by that rule he can't invite you either.

Could be any of these, I think your DH could say, very very casually without applying any pressure... "Looking forward to meeting yr Partner, when would you like to intro my DW? She'd love to meet her too" and then accept whatever BIL says. You'll soon get the gist of the thinking behind this.
But overall, I'd step back and let it roll out... The first meeting will soon be history anyway so its not that big a deal in the scheme of things. Unless you are feeling undervalued in some way, but that's a whole different ball game.

This is ridiculous OP. He probably just wanted his new gf to meet his siblings. I get on with my in-laws really well but sometimes my husband will arrange to meet them by himself and sometimes I will do stuff with my brother and my husband is not invited. It’s absolutely not a big deal - we’re not joined at the hip! Sometimes my husband and brother do stuff together which does not involve me!

The foot stamping is ridiculous. Maybe that’s why they don’t like you? Because you are behaving extremely badly.

Personally I don’t think it’s a big deal. I imagine he’s just phasing when she meets everyone so it’s not too much at once (siblings first, then partners and parents). It also changes the dynamic as they can really chat as a smaller group and his siblings can tell her stories from when they were young. I wouldn’t take it personally. I actually think it’s really nice when siblings still spend time together without involving partners from time to time (if they never involved you though that would be an issue).

Sounds as though the BIL wants to introduce his partner to his two siblings in this first instance? Perhaps partner is shy or easily overwhelmed to making it a couples lunch the first time is a bit much for her?

As a one-off, I don’t think it’s unreasonable. If it becomes the norm and you and (I assume) SIL’s partner is also excluded from future meet ups, I’d expect my DH to question why.

OP, I’d let this one go gracefully and await feedback once your DH has met her.

Look to be blunt, you are less important to your BIL than his siblings. As is normal.

So you've not been invited this time, because it's a "meet my siblings" lunch.

Personally, I think that's OK.

So you don’t like sil husband?

perhaps your bil hasn’t invited his in-laws because he doesn’t want him there and it would be weird to exclude just him?

Either way, this wouldn’t bother me at all

If she’s there so should I!

She’s his sister. YABU.

To clarify, I genuinely love my SILs. They’re fantastic women. However, my brothers are my brothers and my SILs are not on par with them in my affections or their importance to me. You seem to think you should be, and I find that unreasonable.

YANBU to feel upset about being left out. Your feelings are your feelings, and always valid. However, feeling entitled to something because his sister is there is not a reasonable position, imo.

I think this first meeting is fine

Going forward...invite them both to yours

I wouldn't expect to be left out again

That’s one way of looking at it!

If I was not invited to a similar event I would roll that out to its logical conclusion - I’m not seen as ‘real’ family by BIL. Therefore DH would be informed that he is solely responsible for everything to do with his side of the family from now on. All cards, gifts, meeting up arrangements.

I don't think it makes someone a delicate flower to find it stressful to meet your boyfriend's family for the first time.

Do you never see your siblings without your DH?

I think bil is being rude, but if I was your husband I'd just invite you along. It's normal to specify whether partners are welcome or not, and since one is attending, it's a Yes all round!

If bil's partner is shy, it would make more sense to meet the two couples separately. Far more comfortable for the gf I'd imagine, as well.

It's perfectly normal to meet siblings first, I'm sure there'll be plenty of time to ambush the woman with the whole gang !

If my sister invited me and other sibling to meet a new partner, it wouldn’t occur to me to think my DH should accompany me.

I am used to US etiquette which uses the social unit for inviting people. If you are cohabiting with someone (as a partner not a housemate) then you both get invited to things - unless one of you is an anti-social yahoo.

Given your BIL is tolerable only in small doses I think you have been left out to make his omission less obvious.

It sucks but in similar situations I do something for myself as a sort of compensation - like spending the afternoon doing my hobbies while watching something ridiculous on the TV.

I think its weird. "Here are my siblings - yes, they've all got partners but you have to meet them separately because they're not FAAAAAMILY. You won't be either, once we're an established couple so don't get too comfortable with them".

I don't buy into the whole 'meet the siblings thing'. The new partner could have been introduced to the OP and her DH and maybe the children at one meal and then the sister and her DH and their children at another meal.

I genuinely don’t understand why you are so bothered by this.

This isn’t about US v UK etiquette, though is it?

It’s a man wanting to informally introduce his new partner to his siblings in an a way that is low key. It may signal that he has doubts, or that the partner is shy/ND (goodness, she could be a different race, much older, or even be a man!) It’s a litmus test, after which etiquette (which is the same in the UK/Europe btw) would be that you all socialise as couples.

This is not a dinner party in one of their homes, it’s a meet ‘n’ greet. No point taking up the spouses time if it turns out that the relationship isn’t going anywhere.

I would be upset if other spouses were invited but (unless I've got this massively wrong) that isn't the case. Mind you, I still think it's pretty strange not to invite spouses as well. Has he got form for this sort of thing?