Page 6 | Brother-in-Law only asking DH for Sunday Lunch

ChorltonCreamery · 2024-12-03T11:50:28+00:00

Right I can accept different views. I can anticipate some comments that DH and I are separate people and I know this and he and I have separate friends (as well as joint Ones) but I think this is different. BiL had invited DH and SiL out for Sunday lunch in a pub to meet his new partner. I think I should be invited as well. What do people think? I can accept different views.

YouZirName · 03/12/2024 14:09

CatHole · 03/12/2024 13:27

I hear you!
I am 50, started going out with DH when we were 21. That means SIL &BIL have known me for 29 years. That's longer than their sibling only bond. I remember their parents working, DH came to my mum's 50th.
You'd think I was the new girlfriend, swiped from the internet last week. Invites are via DH, no one asks about my job or remembers my role in past events. I'm not sure who they think did the thoughtful wife work in the early years for their kids, who prompts DH to give a shit about extended family. It has got worse with What's app, ringing the landline was potluck.
I used to feel uncomfortable, then I felt sad, then humiliated now I just feel angry.
The anger seeths in me. 30 fucking years and you want your 'family only' chats. Not good enough to hear the latest medical updates, should I not care? but fine to do heavy lifting getting people from A to B.
I'm furious.

Given how bitter and angry you come across, can't think why they want family only chats..

Notonthestairs · 03/12/2024 14:10

There will be other lunches and hopefully plenty of time to get to know each other. Its not a race.

Maddy70 · 03/12/2024 14:10

Of other partners arent invited it's fine(and nice for them actually) if their partners are invited then its really awful

Timetoheal4good · 03/12/2024 14:11

ChorltonCreamery · 03/12/2024 13:41

You do know I didn’t really stamp my foot don’t you? Nor have I actually made a fuss. I have just expressed disappointment to DH.

I am using Mumsnet to vent.

I think people have misunderstood what SiL’s husband is like, I find his attitude to in-laws irritating ; he himself isn’t irritating, quite the opposite. I have not been invited because DH’s brother thinks I am irrelevant. I believe that if his partner is present I should be included.

Parents in-law have already met her and one of his children already knew her through her son ( but that is not how they met).

If DH told BiL I wanted to meet his partner he would think I was mad.

One more story about my in-laws. Mil’s great niece, but same age as DH was getting married in MiL’s home country. FiL didn’t want to go. Neither of course did DH’s brother-in-law and the then sister-in-law was working. Leaving me DH, MiL and his two siblings going to this wedding. I love weddings and see them as my family ( I obviously love my actual family more) .

These bastards actually asked me not to go as they could then go off in one vehicle and after the wedding go on holiday with aunt and cousins walking in The Wicklow fucking Mountains!

That was another time I METAPHORICALLY stamped my foot. They see things logically,they couldn’t understand why I wanted to go to this ‘unrelated’ person’s wedding with my husband! And maybe most of Mumsnet agree with them but it is his I feel.

Anyway totally accept that most people think I am mad for being upset.

Now this story is bonkers. You don't ask a partner of your child/brother not to come to a family wedding. How downright rude. I would have put my foot down at that one. Your DH should have spoken up for you at that point, you're not a second class citizen.

The meeting the partner at the pub, I'd just let that one go. Maybe even make a joke with a jibe next time you see your in laws.

YellowAsteroid · 03/12/2024 14:18

BiL had invited DH and SiL out for Sunday lunch in a pub to meet his new partner. I think I should be invited as well.

No. YABU.

He's invited his siblings, and obviously they are important to him - there's a bond that goes back to birth.

Let your DH have an independent relationship with his siblings, and respect this.

DowntonFlabbie · 03/12/2024 14:18

ChorltonCreamery · 03/12/2024 13:41

You do know I didn’t really stamp my foot don’t you? Nor have I actually made a fuss. I have just expressed disappointment to DH.

I am using Mumsnet to vent.

I think people have misunderstood what SiL’s husband is like, I find his attitude to in-laws irritating ; he himself isn’t irritating, quite the opposite. I have not been invited because DH’s brother thinks I am irrelevant. I believe that if his partner is present I should be included.

Parents in-law have already met her and one of his children already knew her through her son ( but that is not how they met).

If DH told BiL I wanted to meet his partner he would think I was mad.

One more story about my in-laws. Mil’s great niece, but same age as DH was getting married in MiL’s home country. FiL didn’t want to go. Neither of course did DH’s brother-in-law and the then sister-in-law was working. Leaving me DH, MiL and his two siblings going to this wedding. I love weddings and see them as my family ( I obviously love my actual family more) .

These bastards actually asked me not to go as they could then go off in one vehicle and after the wedding go on holiday with aunt and cousins walking in The Wicklow fucking Mountains!

That was another time I METAPHORICALLY stamped my foot. They see things logically,they couldn’t understand why I wanted to go to this ‘unrelated’ person’s wedding with my husband! And maybe most of Mumsnet agree with them but it is his I feel.

Anyway totally accept that most people think I am mad for being upset.

Not anyone with a clue.

They're twats. And that's not the dine thing for an Irish wedding, at all. Unbelievably rude.

mamajong · 03/12/2024 14:20

Like others if it's just siblings then fine but if not then yanbu to ask why. Is there more to it? Are you particularly loud/outgoing and the new partner might be socially anxious for example?

YellowAsteroid · 03/12/2024 14:22

ChorltonCreamery · 03/12/2024 12:33

I get it that intellectually you have a special relationship with your siblings but emotionally I am upset.

In terms of their relationship with one another. I would say the brothers are reasonably close and they all get on they aren’t enmeshed though.

Sounds like you don't like feeling you are not the centre of everyone's thoughts. Chill out & grow up.

KnigCnut · 03/12/2024 14:42

A wedding and a first meeting are not the same thing. I agree it is normal for both husband and wife to be invited to a wedding, but turning a first meeting into an interview panel seems a bit OTT.

Londonrach1 · 03/12/2024 14:45

Does sil have a partner and are they invited. Tbh I'm on the fence here as it's just siblings and he introducing them to a new girlfriend. Unless a back story I'll let this slip as might be didn't want to many people to meet girlfriend.

L0bstersLass · 03/12/2024 15:04

ChorltonCreamery · 03/12/2024 12:33

I get it that intellectually you have a special relationship with your siblings but emotionally I am upset.

In terms of their relationship with one another. I would say the brothers are reasonably close and they all get on they aren’t enmeshed though.

You're being ridiculous. He wants his new partner to meet his siblings. That's perfectly normal behaviour.
She can meet her partner's extended family (including you) at a later time.
Don't kick up a fuss, you'll look daft.

Movinghouseatlast · 03/12/2024 15:07

I think it's OK as he is introducing her to his siblings.

HollyKnight · 03/12/2024 15:07

Did your husband and SIL kick off when their parents got to meet the new girlfriend and they didn't? I bet not. That's because they knew it wasn't a family event. It was just BIL introducing his girlfriend to his parents. And this is just BIL introducing his girlfriend to his siblings. Your time to meet her will come.

Zimunya · 03/12/2024 15:08

@ChorltonCreamery - their behaviour at the wedding was incredibly rude and unforgivable. I'd start grey rocking these people - they are not nice. And yes, as other posters have said, DH needs to stick up for you a bit more. Does he think this sort of thing is "normal"? I completely understand why you're upset - I would be too.

Hellohelga · 03/12/2024 15:17

My DH never sees his family without me, unless I don’t fancy it and duck out. Im always invited and he’d rather we go together. If I was excluded we’d both find it odd and I’m pretty sure he’d make an excuse not to go. He’d definitely never go to a wedding or big event without me. I thought everyone was like this before I was on MN. Turns out I’m blessed.

TwigletsAndRadishes · 03/12/2024 15:26

If your SIL's husband was going then it would be odd/rude to not invite you. But he's not. So it's not. He just wants her to meet his brother and sister alone first.

CatHole · 03/12/2024 15:34

YouZirName · 03/12/2024 14:09

Given how bitter and angry you come across, can't think why they want family only chats..

Show quote history

I vent on Mumsnet, for years! And just the OP next time I see them, I'll smile, ask how they are, listen, ask another question. Produce pudding, load the dishwasher, remember to say something positive about the hard to love cousin....it's just a shame that after 30 years I'm still sat on the substitute bench. This is not the extended family I thought I'd have, it's just the one I got.

Oriunda · 03/12/2024 15:44

The first time I met my DH family was when he took me to meet his siblings. The next time was the whole family, including DH brothers’ GFs.

My now SIL is a nosy cow. We don’t like each other at all. I would have hated being made to be interviewed by her on a first meeting.

BIL wants his new GF to meet his family, starting with his siblings. You’re not his sibling, and I think YABVU to expect to be on a par with your DH sister.

cantarguewithfools · 03/12/2024 15:46

Your BIL doesn’t care what you think of his partner, and why should he?

I think it’s weird that you want to go. You’ll meet his partner at some other stage. Why do you think you should be invited just because you’re married to BIL’s brother? I think that’s the main question (and problem) here - you feel entitled because you are married to your DH. That means he cares about you, it doesn’t mean his family does.

IAm16StoneHalloween2024 · 03/12/2024 16:00

OP, that wedding story is a huge drip feed I think. So there is history of them showing you you're just your DHs wife, not really more.

So match their energy. They're your DHs relatives, they just happen to be around sometimes because you live with your DH. That's all. Focus on your own friends/family/work. Make your own life lovely.

Blogswife · 03/12/2024 16:02

Seems perfectly reasonable. I’d imagine it’s either a small select few or he has to invite the whole clan . Obviously a select few is more appealing

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 03/12/2024 16:02

I agree, unless there are any specific reasons, if it is just a pub lunch why can't you be invited with your DH? Its not as if its a debutant's formal presentation at Queen Charlottes or something you'd need security clearance for is it!

Also following on from your update on the Irish Debacle ... I'd be having a word with DH.. I'm torn between peoples' suggestions of taking a step back from the lot of them, or being assertive and insisting that you are not excluded (note I don't say invited - just not being deliberately left out for now reason.) But really this is something that DH should be reminding them... "Hey what about @ChorltonCreamery ?" Its the fact that he may (only you know) not be reminding them that would bug me.

Same goes for the Wicklow Wandering.. how hard is it to hire a car that seats five and arrange accomodation for five?

Heronwatcher · 03/12/2024 16:31

I just couldn’t get worked up about this.

If my sister’s partner started throwing a strop because I didn’t invite him to meet say a new boyfriend I’d think they were mad.

I get on well with the extended family but TBH I wouldn’t really care if I wasn’t invited if my partner’s brother wanted to have lunch with him and a new girlfriend.

I don’t get all this desperation to be included in everything that your partner’s family does. Quite often there are a few simmering tensions and it makes things much more difficult. Plus I love doing things with just my sister sometimes- it’s really special. Why begrudge your partner that?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 03/12/2024 17:19

ChorltonCreamery · 03/12/2024 13:41

You do know I didn’t really stamp my foot don’t you? Nor have I actually made a fuss. I have just expressed disappointment to DH.

I am using Mumsnet to vent.

I think people have misunderstood what SiL’s husband is like, I find his attitude to in-laws irritating ; he himself isn’t irritating, quite the opposite. I have not been invited because DH’s brother thinks I am irrelevant. I believe that if his partner is present I should be included.

Parents in-law have already met her and one of his children already knew her through her son ( but that is not how they met).

If DH told BiL I wanted to meet his partner he would think I was mad.

One more story about my in-laws. Mil’s great niece, but same age as DH was getting married in MiL’s home country. FiL didn’t want to go. Neither of course did DH’s brother-in-law and the then sister-in-law was working. Leaving me DH, MiL and his two siblings going to this wedding. I love weddings and see them as my family ( I obviously love my actual family more) .

These bastards actually asked me not to go as they could then go off in one vehicle and after the wedding go on holiday with aunt and cousins walking in The Wicklow fucking Mountains!

That was another time I METAPHORICALLY stamped my foot. They see things logically,they couldn’t understand why I wanted to go to this ‘unrelated’ person’s wedding with my husband! And maybe most of Mumsnet agree with them but it is his I feel.

Anyway totally accept that most people think I am mad for being upset.

Tbh this is more reasons why I wouldn't want to be invited or have anything to do with them.

They are obviously ridiculous people and you know that so manage your expectations and keep them at arms length. You don't need a close relationship with people like that. And thankfully you have your family you are close to. Let DH manage the relationship with them and you stay out of it.

Tink3rbell30 · 03/12/2024 17:22

No reason you should get an invite. No big deal.