Brother-in-Law only asking DH for Sunday Lunch

[ChorltonCreamery]

Right I can accept different views.

I can anticipate some comments that DH and I are separate people and I know this and he and I have separate friends (as well as joint Ones) but I think this is different.

BiL had invited DH and SiL out for Sunday lunch in a pub to meet his new partner. I think I should be invited as well.

What do people think? I can accept different views.

I hear you!
I am 50, started going out with DH when we were 21. That means SIL &BIL have known me for 29 years. That's longer than their sibling only bond. I remember their parents working, DH came to my mum's 50th.
You'd think I was the new girlfriend, swiped from the internet last week. Invites are via DH, no one asks about my job or remembers my role in past events. I'm not sure who they think did the thoughtful wife work in the early years for their kids, who prompts DH to give a shit about extended family. It has got worse with What's app, ringing the landline was potluck.
I used to feel uncomfortable, then I felt sad, then humiliated now I just feel angry.
The anger seeths in me. 30 fucking years and you want your 'family only' chats. Not good enough to hear the latest medical updates, should I not care? but fine to do heavy lifting getting people from A to B.
I'm furious.

It's fine for siblings to get together, but i this instance I find it odd, rude and anti-social.

He is introducing his new partner-an extended family 'in law' relationship while excluding existing in-laws.

Are you sure he has explicitly excluded you and the other BIL? And you weren't included in the invite to your DH -who has passed in a message badly, misunderstood?

Is this normal behaviour in his family?

Back story? Contect?

Hey siblings, meet my new partner....but don't bring your partners because they don't matter.

Bit weird, no?

"Is he dating a mouse?" made me laugh so much! Totally agree that excluding some family members is rude and unnecessary. DH is one of 8 siblings, and I met almost the whole family in one go. I'm an only child, so it was overwhelming, but as you say, you just get on with it.

OP - I don't think you're unreasonable to be annoyed. But on the bright side, this really gives you a get out of jail free card for when there are family get togethers that you would prefer to miss:- "Oh, darling, I think this one should be a siblings only event." No-one can complain - they've set the precedent.

Ultimately if he's just invited his siblings only then it's a family thing. If he'd invited others who weren't related or sister's partner then I'd feel more excluded.
It's a little hurtful I guess. But it's not like you can just invite yourself. I'm presuming he isn't hugely close with you? There's little point remaining annoyed about it really.
It's hard to comment on what I would do in his shoes really. As I don't have siblings. If I liked and was close to both their partners I'd imagine I would include them. But wouldn't want to feel obliged to do so. Or have to justify who I invite for Sunday lunch.

I think it's fine and he probably wants to give GF a gentle introduction. I have an enormous family (8 siblings with DH/W). DH would have run a mile if I'd introduced them to six big brothers, let alone the rest.

I don't believe for a moment that it's because he doesn't want to overwhelm her. Very few men would even consider that. Also, surely most adults can cope with meeting three new people at one time?

I think it’s a little weird but not something worth getting upset over.

If you invite one partner/spouse, you have to invite them all. And then other family members get offended, so you have to invite them too.

And sometimes, you just want to be with your siblings.

This is one occasion where your BIL just wants his siblings there. It's nothing against you, per se- he just doesn't want the 'extras' this time.

I have one brother whose wife accompanies him to everything. I don't know whose choice it is, and certainly wouldn't ask (or complain!) but on the rare occasions that I've been able to see him without his wife it's been special, with a different atmosphere. Not better- I like my SIL and am happy to be in her company- but different.

This is your BIL's choice, this time. It's not your occasion. Let him see his siblings without all the 'extras'.

YABU.

YANBU, sounds like they're excluding you to spare annoying BIL's feelings.

I would respond by excluding them right back.

Are you expected to host them or help host them? I'd stop all that.

Do you help choose Xmas/birthday presents? Stop it all.

Except nobody said it's because they don't matter. 🫣

You do know I didn’t really stamp my foot don’t you? Nor have I actually made a fuss. I have just expressed disappointment to DH.

I am using Mumsnet to vent.

I think people have misunderstood what SiL’s husband is like, I find his attitude to in-laws irritating ; he himself isn’t irritating, quite the opposite. I have not been invited because DH’s brother thinks I am irrelevant. I believe that if his partner is present I should be included.

Parents in-law have already met her and one of his children already knew her through her son ( but that is not how they met).

If DH told BiL I wanted to meet his partner he would think I was mad.

One more story about my in-laws. Mil’s great niece, but same age as DH was getting married in MiL’s home country. FiL didn’t want to go. Neither of course did DH’s brother-in-law and the then sister-in-law was working. Leaving me DH, MiL and his two siblings going to this wedding. I love weddings and see them as my family ( I obviously love my actual family more) .

These bastards actually asked me not to go as they could then go off in one vehicle and after the wedding go on holiday with aunt and cousins walking in The Wicklow fucking Mountains!

That was another time I METAPHORICALLY stamped my foot. They see things logically,they couldn’t understand why I wanted to go to this ‘unrelated’ person’s wedding with my husband! And maybe most of Mumsnet agree with them but it is his I feel.

Anyway totally accept that most people think I am mad for being upset.

Hello. This all sounds fine to me. I can’t imagine my currently single brother inviting my husband and the husband of my sister to meet a new partner! They wouldn’t be fussed either and would meet further down the line. I’d expect the same for my husband and his siblings. I think this is about something else, I’m not sure what, but something to consider.

It’s a bit odd. Hasn’t DH asked him why no partners? Perhaps his new GF is shy?

Ok, I’ve seen your further post and I can see why you’re upset. What does your husband say to all this? I wouldn’t be so bothered about this particular lunch but the general way you’re being treated needs a conversation with your DH. Good luck

They do sound like bastards so why do you bother with them?

Just detach and concentrate on those who matter, like you MIL and FIL.

The more you push to be included the more they will treat you with contempt.

You need to take a massive step back and see them as acquaintances, not family.

Cool your jets. You'll get to meet her, he wants to introduce his siblings first .

Shouldn't be any drama over this. Other people are allowed to get together without you.

I get the feeling from your posts that you could be, or come across as being, a bit pushy? Maybe BIL wants a low key introduction and you'll get your chance later.

Without knowing the personalities it’s difficult to tell tbh. Do you tend to dominate the room? its difficult because it’s hard for you to be objective (not saying you are at fault but family relations can be complex)

You feel how you feel, OP, nobody can criticise you for that and nor should they. I agree that you need to manage your expectations. It seems that whilst you and your own family are close, the relationships on your husband's side - for those 'married in' are more fluid.

I wouldn't have had a problem with this lunch and not being invited, it's siblings, nobody else. That's fine in my book. I think you're carrying around the past 'hurts' and not feeling included and that is what's bugging you today. You feel disposable, perhaps?

I would use this absolutely to my advantage. So many posters here complain bitterly at having to jump to in-law's attendance. Well you never have to do that. Celebrate (if you can) having a much looser relationship with your husband's family and focus on your own, you can please yourself. You have (presumably) a good relationship with your husband. Centre him and not his family then.

You will never be a blood member of your husband's wider family - celebrate that fact too.

You frame everything about you though, irritating that your SIL DH isn’t bothered, seeing it as you are ideemed irrelevant, upset that you were not invited to stuff.

but as my teenagers would say you aren’t the main character in this - it is likely that the choice was to just meet siblings first and add on people later.

I think the young people call this "Main Character Syndrome".

The SIL's husband could have opted out, declined, if he does not want to go. I think for something such as a lunch in a pub, both you and him should have been invited.

Why does your SIL’s husband’s attitude towards in laws annoy you?