Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

I realise I sound really horrible. I love my grandad, I would do anything for him. But he needs to start helping himself and not expect everyone to fall at his feet.

He's the most stubborn person I've ever met!

If his ears are blocked, has he not been to an Audiologist to have his ears syringed?

The problem is some people seem ashamed to use a hearing aid. I think you are being harsh on your Grandad to be truthful.

He needs to go to an ENT hospital to have his ears cleaned out and to check his hearing. He may need more comfortable aids.
If you actually got them out and helped him put them on do you think he'd physically resist?
My mum took about four years to get used to wearing hers regularly. The less you wear them the more unpleasant the sensation when you do. It's like there's almost too much noise around you that your not used to.
I hope he 'listens' to your advice. I wouldn't refuse to go round his house though. That's just mean.

I think you have 3 choices.
1.wear ear plugs yourself.I do this as DH is hard of hearing and hardly wears his aids so I completely understand how you feel.
2.stop him coming unless he tries with the hearing aids

1. Put up with it as he is elderly and lonely

hearing aids aren’t an ‘easy fix’, they’re tiring/difficult to get used to/to use. And he may have sensitivity issues on top, ND runs in families. But yanbu to recognise your limits. BSL or Makaton might help, a few signs for tea/coffee/food’s ready. Stop shouting.

Between my mum and me, we've taken him probably 5 times in the last 18 months to get his ears unblocked. We've also taken his hearing aids to be serviced and cleaned.

He won't put them on charge at all, he just doesn't use them.

The last time he went to have his ears unblocked the person doing it said to grandad and mum that his ears are totally clear, and he needs to wear his hearing aids.

This is very common with elderly people.

My grandma was like this and then my dad.

I have a theory that they are so ashamed of being ill or less than perfect it's better to pretend they are well than accept help.

You putting boundaries in is unlikely to make him change.

It's up to you how you feel about that.

I think when you rely on family so much to help you, you can at least help them out by wearing hearing aids though. We're not asking to wear them all the time, just when he's over for dinner or we pick him up.

We shouldn't have to shout for 2-3 hours at a time if we don't need to. Hearing aids are there to help him hear.

I do agree and see your point, but he's not ashamed to bring his mail round to mums without even opening it and expects her just to open it and deal with it.
Or he asks mum to write his Christmas cards for him because he can't be bothered to write them.

He is frail, but he's fully able bodied. He puts so much pressure on mum and I'm trying to help him as much as I can. The amount of pressure mum is under and it's snowballing. He's refused carers into the house completely so there has to become a point where we put boundaries in place. And that boundary for me, is putting his hearing aids in so I can keep offering to help and doing what I can, without being mentally drained and overstimulated.

I had this with my elderly mother and I eventually stopped talking because it was pointless. She would pretend she could hear what was going on. For her it was vanity about wearing hearing aids which is so freaking pointless.

Before putting the rule in, you need to make sure any barriers to his hearing have been overcome as much as possible.

Book an appt with audiology to check if his ears are blocked/need treatment and if his hearing aids are optimised for
him so he knows how to adjust them to be as comfortable as possible.

Once this part is done, you can know that all options have been explored with a clear conscience.

I would still continue to invite him, ensure to take the hearing aids with him (even if not in place), and when people talk normally and he says he can’t hear, ask him to pop his aids in there and then… as you really value his contribution to the conversation. That way no one is shouting and understands the value of wearing them.

I think you're being rather harsh, it's quite difficult ageing and losing your faculties. You could stop shouting, maybe? That could make it less stressful and he might get the message that he can't hear.

There's no other ND in the family. I was born at 26 weeks and ended resuscitation 3 times, they think mines down to lack of oxygen at birth.

But I guess it's possible.

It's so frustrating isn't it. I feel your pain.

If you stopped shouting to be heard would he start to see a need for wearing them? My dh wears them and they are uncomfortable, so he very understandably takes breaks from them. I'll speak more loudly if I have to communicate with him, but we wouldn't try to have a conversation. So understandably your gf finds them uncomfortable. Can you just stop shouting, stop trying to have conversations and just raise your voice only when needed? I also tap my dh to let him know I'm about to speak, and I then face him to give him the best chance of hearing me.

For you, I would absolutely struggle with the sensory overwhelm. In your house you can turn down the volume. In his, you can get little ear buds, the loop brand ones are popular with autistic folk and are easy to carry in my wallet so i always have them when I'm out.

I do think you're being unnecessarily harsh on a frail "bone idle" 82 year old yes.

Also, i wouldn't worry about whether or not he believes in autism, just get in with what you need to do.

@TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow I guess then it's ultimatum time. Basically just say 'it's really annoying and rude as you cannot hold a meaningful conversation. So we won't want to visit you. Can you put them on charge now, I'll help you put them on and just try and wear them for an hour at first?' I honestly had to press my mum so much for her to wear them but finally she does it naturally. Often indoors she doesn't wear them still. The telly ends up being absolutely deafeningly noisy. You can hear every word outside in the street! So I definitely feel your pain x

It sounds like your grandma enabled him for many years by fulfilling the "woman" role of doing absolutely everything while he sat on his arse.

Your mother does not have to step into that role.

If we stop shouting, he pretends he can hear and will input random words and sentences into the conversation. It doesn't really get us anywhere.

Maybe I am harsh. But I'll take that, as if you're refusing any outside help from any organisation and expecting your family to pick up all the pieces, the least you can do is be polite and wear his hearing aids.

YABVU!

Thank you, your response has been really helpful. I'll definitely try your suggestions for sure.

People can be bone idle at any age? Being elderly doesn't make you exempt from it.

You can't force him to use his hearing aids and it would be cruel to refuse to see him unless he does. He's 82 and tomorrow is not a given he will still be here. What a horrid way to end if you and your mother are refusing to see him.

However, I would not tolerate loud tv if I went go visit him so I would I would insist on tv being off whilst you're there.

I would also bring a large notepad and pen and instead of talking to him I would write in large capitals what I wanted o say. If he gets fed up with that he may wear his hearing aid or you will both find it an easier way to communicate.

Please don't stop seeing him.