Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

OP - you should be ashamed of yourself for being so disabilist. I’ve seen it before - people with disabilities of their own having no empathy or common sense with others who have a different disability.

As my user name implies, I have a lifetime’s worth of lived experience with being deaf and managed my own late father’s declining hearing and helped him adjust to his hearing aids. Which I did successfully without hectoring, badgering, shouting or holding boundaries! So here’s some sensible advice should you choose to take it:

Hearing aids are uncomfortable and take a lot of getting used to, both in their physical feel and the sound you experience through them - it’s not the same as your own physical hearing, so it’s hard to adjust and can often be a disappointing sound, even if it delivers results. They don’t restore hearing or give you back the hearing you’ve lost, they compensate by amplifying everything. It won’t be “like it used to be”.

That means the sounds you want to hear, like speech, are amplified, but so are the background sounds people with normal hearing can filter out. It takes mental effort to understand in that cacophony and is discouraging.

If he feels his ears are blocked, they’re probably not properly calibrated, leading to muffled sound. They may need reprogramming. This can be a matter of trial and error. Old people may not be able to articulate what the problem is, but these are common issues that discourage use of HAs - as well as feelings of pride and shame, and should be explored until he can put his finger on what it actually is.

Use these clues to find out what the issue with the aid is and see if you can get him further forward.

Don’t shout at him any more: this is RNID advice. It distorts your voice, distorts your lip patterns and strips your facial expression of appropriate context - you’ll look angry even when you’re not.

Face him so he can see your lips and expression. Don’t stand against the light - he won’t be able to see you. Stand with the light on your face instead. He’ll be searching your face and lips for clues even if he isn’t formally lipreading.

Use gesture - it’s not learning formal sign language but a PP described gesture like pointing to a keyhole as sign language. In reality that is natural appropriate gesture that adds context and aids understanding. It really helps.

If he doesn’t understand, don’t repeat things in the same words, try a different way of saying the same thing, eg substitute jacket for coat. Introduce the topic first so he can latch on - eg ‘for dinner - what would you like?’

Subs on the telly all the way - and are they big enough for him to see?

Go to the RNID website for more tips.

I won't ever police what he does in his home, but in my home, my boundary is that he needs to wear his hearing aids.
People don't realise how genuinely exhausting it is to one, be shouted at for hours on end as he can't hear himself, and to, having to shout and repeat myself for hours on end. I get incredibly overstimulated and overwhelmed by it and it's making me want to back away. I really don't want to and I love him dearly but I feel this is the only way he will listen.

I sympathise and I can see how frustrating it is for you and how much you want to solve it. But I'd also say that you (and most people who on't wear hearing aids) have very little idea of how they work or what it's like to use them. They're not like glasses, where if you put them on they fix your vision and if you take them off they don't.

Vision is purely mechanical. If your eyes focus an image in the wrong place you can correct it by wearing something that alters the focus. On the other hand hearing depends on your brain interpreting the sound waves it gets through your ears. You can mechanically alter the sound that's delivered, but all that does is give your brain something different to work with. Learning to use hearing aids is a slow process because your brain has to re-learn how to interpret the different sounds it gets when you wear them. This is unrelenting, frustrating and very tiring and is the reason many people feel that it's not worth persevering with their aids.

It's also the reason why it doesn't really work to wear aids just some of the time. Imagine you're changing to an Android phone when you've only ever used an iPhone. It looks similar but it's not quite the same and you keep getting unexpected things wrong. It doesn't help to keep switching from one to the other. That doesn't give your brain a fair chance of getting used to a different system.

The bottom line is that the two of you have a communication problem but the solution isn't (sadly) anything like as simple as you think it is.

My suggestion for dealing with his side of it would be to go with him to a different audiologist. My first two audiologists were very much 'everything's working fine, just wear them more, you'll get used to them'. The second one was so insistent that I had to just put up with it that I really understood how sound could be used as a torture mechanism. It was dreadful and put me off using aids for years. I finally found one who understood how to actually help me get used to aids, and it made all the difference in the world. Interestingly, the main difference I was aware of wasn't that I could hear better, but that I wasn't so tired all the time. I hadn't realised how exhausting it was struggling all day, every day, to interpret the limited sounds that I could hear without them

For your side of it, you can be careful not to do things like starting a conversation without first getting his attention, talking to him while facing away from him or in a different room, or while there's background noise. If he can see you're making an effort too then he may be more inclined to try to fix his side of it. These things will help a lot even if he does wear his aids so they'd be good habits to adopt anyway.

You’re right, you’re being bloody awful!

Have to jump in here without reading any further!

I am in my 60s now, and have gradually lost most of my hearing over the years due to meningitis and now older age lol. I absolutely love my hearing aids and wear them with pride. I wear my hair up and they are fully visible and I don't give a shit. My life has been transformed since needing to use them about 6 or so years ago.

I know you said "Some" people are ashamed. I'd love to change that. In fact the biggest bonus has been for my partner and family TBH. They are much more agreeable and relaxed when I'm around and can hear them properly!

I'd agree with OP. Insist that he uses them or he is barred. A review of his hearing and the suitability of the aids might be useful too. I have one every year, and the deterioration year on year while minimal is telling. The aids are adjusted there and then on the super duper system they have.

I wish you luck OP. Stick to your guns.

I completely disagree with you. She is doing a lot for her grandfather when she doesn't have to do anything for him

Cross posted with @RoseAylingEllisFanClub who is absolutely spot on.

Oh, I can hear a tone all right. I might not hear the words but I can definitely hear the tone. I bet your husband can too, especially if harsh, sarcastic or abrasive. So many misconceptions around deafness.

You’re making an awful lot of assumptions about how he actually hears. You sound very impatient with his deafness. He probably doesn’t feel very loved or cherished either with your attitude, speaking frankly.

Do you disagree with my tips - echoing official RNID tips?

my dad is 87 and has hearing aids for both ears. he often will not wear them outside or will only take one out with him as if he loses them he has to pay to replace them.

I agree with this ^
My dad was like this, it was making family gatherings extremely difficult and exhausting. He could hear some things but not all and then was making up the rest , the arguing and shouting was endless, kids were scared, TV was practically on max - it was a nightmare.
I think if you are sure that hearing aids are ok you will be right to insist on your Grandad wearing them to your house and better if mum makes this rule as well - to make it a general rule rather then you being fussy.

Not sure if you've already looked into it but apparently there's something called ClearCast which is a neckband and apparently a lot of people prefer it to traditional hearing aids.

What a nightmare.

Old people like your grandfather are living under the illusion of being "independent" when in fact they are anything but. You and your mum are being run ragged by a stubborn old sod who thinks that a woman's place is to facilitate his life.

Well fuck that.

Your burnout warning lights are flashing, and that is not something you can ignore. I'm guessing your mum is feeling the same.

You absolutely must bear in mind that both you and your mum have choices in this set-up. If your GF is determined to sit in his own filth and refuse any outside assistance then that is his choice, and he must be told so.

Decide what you are prepared to do - e.g. one dinner a week, one visit a week. (or less - totally up to you). Tell him and stick to it.

If his self-neglect becomes really bad, then call in adult social services.

Ask yourself (and your mum) this: how much of your life and happiness are you prepared to let him destroy? why is his wellbeing more important than yours? who cares when the carer is burnt out and on their knees? him? does he care about the impact he's having on you?

You and your mum can say NO - I'M NOT DOING THIS ANY MORE.

Neither of you are responsible for facilitating his life. You have lives of your own.

(And it sounds to me like the hearing aids are the tip of the iceberg...)

I'm just shy of 70% loss on LHS and 40% on the RHS. The minute I couldn't communicate with others and do my job well due to hearing loss (which was quite gradual really) I got the aids.

Sure enough, if aids won't work to improve the hearing then the RNID guide is useful. But if the hearing aids WILL help, there is no excuse.

I am a bit OTT about people refusing to use them. I do not make any special allowances generally speaking for the stubborn.

Dementia is a big result of the zone out that comes from not using aids in relation to certain forms of deafness. I think that's quite scary too.

This. ^ As I and many others have said @TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow you don't HAVE to be his servant, and neither does your mum (who I imagine is in her 60s herself, so no spring chicken!) As some posters have said (and I suggested,) look into Care. Report your grandad to Adult Social Services. The Care Industry needs to intervene here.

In a perfect world, families would take care of the elderly family members, but in the real world, it's difficult, and stressful, people have lots going on, there are very few younger family members who have lots of free time, and the care always falls to the women in the family. ALWAYS.

I know a woman (early 60s) who has a sister and 5 brothers, and they have a frail and elderly mother who can't drive and lives in a village with no public transport. She is also very scatty, and can't seem to do anything for herself (like paying bills, organising anything, and general life admin and suchlike.) The sister lives 10,000 miles away in New Zealand , so she does naff-all as she's not here! (Visits every 3 Christmases.) And not one single one of the 5 brothers (aged 45 to 63,) ever lift a finger to help with the elderly mum (mid 80s.)

So the one woman in her early 60s is responsible for everything. She has 2 children of her own - grown fair enough - but also 2 grandchildren who she helps look after. And she lives 25 miles away. So she has to keep doing 50 mile round trips every time she comes to 'mother's.' (2-3 times a week.) She has raised 2 children of her own, alongside working 3 days a week for 40 years, and also helps with the grandchildren. And she also has a part time job 2 days a week too still, to help her and her DH financially.

The woman refuses to go into care also. Seriously 80-odd or not, if you can't do anything for yourself, or refuse to, then you should accept going into care.

No I agree with them.

Your RNID tips are good. The rest of your post was very good and useful

I just disagreed with you calling her disablist. I can understand her frustration at trying to help him when she's a working single mother. She's trying.

In general, yes, I do think you're being a bit harsh regarding his choice not to wear hearing aids, as you don't know what it's like to wear them. There could be several reasons he doesn't want to wear them, like they're painful or uncomfortable. If you're seeing him in his own home, I'd say it's inappropriate to tell him he has to wear his hearing aids if he doesn't want to.

But it's also fair to say what you're willing to do/not do in your own home, so if he's visiting you, I can understand you wanting him to wear them. Although rather than try to insist, I would do what @Jostuki suggested first.

I do so feel your pain. My mum wouldn't use her hearing aids (though the situation wasn't half as bad as yours) and this meant that when her grandchildren came to visit her, she couldn't hear what they were saying. So they spoke to me. I mean, why? She'd had to wait a long time to have them, wouldn't she want them to communicate with her?

There's been a lot of threads on here recently where women are writing that they are absolutely exhausted looking after male relatives. One woman wrote yesterday that she was looking after her brother.

To the women that do this, you don't HAVE to do it. You are also not helping other women, by doing it.
You are keeping the old fashioned system going that says that women need to care for all men , to the point of ruining their own lives.

Say no. Let him get a carer.

My mum says she won't use her hearing aids as they really hurt her ears.

Maybe they need to design better ones.

^^ This. In spades.

I don’t think you are being at all unreasonable, we had this with my dad who also denied he was deaf and used to accuse us of mumbling all the time. No matter how much you love and help them they should also show willing and not make everyone else’s life difficult by being so stubborn and refusing to help themself.

Yes - I'm shocked at the pasting the OP is getting. She is doing so much, and has such a lot on her plate (including chemo).

Yes, it is important to make allowances and help where you can, but you have to put your own life jacket on first! The OP and her mother are going to burn out and get ill at this rate.

He needs to accept carers, and if that means social services involvement, then that is what is needed. It is not reasonable for women to be expected to grind themselves into the ground providing care and to always put their own needs last.

Hearing aids take a while to learn to get used to, particularly if you start when hearing loss is quite advanced or when you're suffering cognitive decline. Most people can't successfully wear them "occasionally", it's quite all-or-nothing. But is it that HE is overwhelming you, and the hearing aid issue isn't all that's the problem.

Because this can't go on - you have way too much to deal with, and his hearing is only a part of it.

The childlike dependence is likely anxiety as he realises he's not what he once was.

He wont accept a carer. OK, but could you organise a "cleaner" for him who will be there when shopping is delivered, will make his lunch, do the washing, etc?

Or, have you looked into assisted living? Somewhere that does communal meals but not care. What situation are the friends he meets for lunch in? Do they have carers or family who mind them?

As I said, it's always the women who are expected to be the carers isn't it?!

I think mine never tried hers on.