Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

With the TV noise, I would say 'this is too loud for me, Grandad, I'll put the subtitles on' and then turn it down in my own house. In his house he can do what he likes.

My 92 year old dad was shocked when he went out to a coffee morning at the church and all the men who were 10 and 20 years younger than him all relied on their daughters for everything. My dad lives 2 .5 hours from me. He has no choice but to get on with things. He's just stopped driving but still gets the bus and gets taxis otherwise or walks!
My FIL is the same. He's 97. He is deaf and has a directional microphone with headphones that he uses as can't manage hearing aids as they are fiddly and he's partially sighted.

Thank you, I completely agree.

Yes I'm going to do as you've said, make my boundary abundantly clear and make swift exits when I get overwhelmed.

Thank you for hearing me, I appreciate it!

Because if he came hear me, he will keep repeating and shouting at me. So I shout at him back for the shouting to stop, for all of 2 minutes.

How long is it since he had his hearing tested? Deafness isn't an on-off switch, if he's had the same hearing aids for several years, it's quite possible that his deafness his worsened and his aids aren't helping a great deal.

Secondly, hearing aids can themselves be a problem, certain noises can trigger them into producing squeals and squeaks in the ears which are a problem. If I'm playing a higher pitched musical instrument I have to turn my aids off *despite it being the higher pitches that are difficult for me to hear) because of all the squeaks and squeals. (It's not my playing - other people don't hear them).

Thirdly, deafness usually creeps up on you. With old age, everything doesn't simply go quiet. Your ability to hear certain frequencies drops, and if this is the high frequencies, which it often is, then you don't hear sounds like "s", "t", and it seems that people are mumbling and not speaking clearly. But other sounds you'll hear as clearly as ever, so you have no idea the problem is you not them

Finally, hearing isn't just about the mechanics of what goes on in the ear. It's also about how the brain interprets it. So if the aids don't seem to make any difference, and in fact make things worse (eg producing strange noises, or being uncomfortable) then you won't wear them, and your brain won't get used to interpreting the sounds from them.

So, stop badgering him to wear them. But stop enabling him by shouting at him and turning the TV loud. Make sure everyone speaks in normal voices around him, and use subtitles on the tv if he can't hear at normal volume. And then maybe he'll start to realise he has got a problem.

I don't know whether he'd be concerned about this - there's good evidence linking deafness to risk of dementia. My audiologist tells me the reason is that with deafness it is all too easy to let the conversation wash over you, or drop out of social events altogether, and it's this withdrawal the increases the dementia risk. That's my motivation for paying attention to my hearing and feeling like a 90 year old lady with hearing aids tucked behind both my ears!

I do get it OP because my mum has very bad hearing.

It's extremely tiring to constantly have to shout and repeat yourself.

I find that a lot of hearing aids don't work that well either. Thought we eventually found her a pair that seemed to work a little bit.

My mum paid thousands of pounds for his hearing aids, privately.

They are not NHS ones.

wear his hearing aids for a hour or two every couple of days so OP can visit and help him

That won't necessarily help. Audiologists are usually emphatic that you should wear aids all your waking hours in order for the brain to adapt to that way of hearing.

He last had his ears checked last week at boots, I took him to the appointment. He has them checked regularly.

I think you are imagining hearing aids will miraculously make him be able to hear and join in. In my experience they made very little difference to my elderly GF. He still couldn’t hear well. As others have said the sound they create is not easy for the deaf person to tolerate.

I feel your pain. Visits with GF used to leave me with with a banging headache.
My solution - i have stopped trying to include him in as many conversations. He still enjoys being ‘present’ in our home. I actually consciously don’t shout any more but pause, to give him time to focus. Then I try again slowly in a normal tone of voice. If he says pardon again I point at his ears and say ‘you need to put your hearing aids in’. He grumbles. But still doesn’t put them in. His choice. So I shrug and I don’t repeat myself. We talk less but it is much less stressful all round. And if it’s something he really wants to know or hear he either concentrates and can hear better - or occasionally put his hearing aids in!!
Good luck - it’s hard work.

I understand you OP because it's hard for the person who has hearing problems, but it's also hard for the person going to visit them.

My mum constantly says "what" and I have to repeat everything I say. I find it really draining.

I completely understand your frustration. My parent is exactly the same. It actually causes issues as he 'mishears' and takes offence at things he imagines people said. He then gets stroppy in return. It can be really difficult as these perceived slights can cause ongoing rifts.

As someone bullied through childhood for wearing glasses, it's only recently that wearing glasses has become acceptable.

You do a lot! You need to take care of yourself as a single working parent as well. You and your children will not survive if you break down. I would institute the rule in your house snd see how it goes. He will either comply and it won’t make things better, will make things better, or it will cut down home visits to something manageable.

I feel awful cuz it's not my mother's fault that she can't hear, but I find myself getting so frustrated when she can't hear me.

And what was the result? Do his ears still match his prescription?

I agree - he can't even be bothered to open his own mail! Being elderly is not an excuse for not opening an envelope.

OP - I think you're being reasonable. Just because someone is elderly, it doesn't mean their wishes trump everyone else's. My dad is late 70s and doesn't behave like this. He even opens his own mail!

Yes when I talk to my mum, she hears what I've said wrong.

And she answers something different. And I try to figure out what she thought I said

It's not easy for our elderly parents either.

And one day it'll be us with the terrible hearing. And everyone will be frustrated and shouting at us.

I've read your other posts more carefully now and I think the issue of hearing aids is not the main one. You are acting as his carer when you have your own children, are a single mum and have had chemo recently- this is not ok. It's not his fault, it's not your fault. No wonder you find his shouting overwhelming, I would find having to care for another whole person overwhelming (with your mum) when you have so much on. I think getting him reassessed by social care is important, plus thinking about buying him in help. He won't like it, he'd rather you and your mum do it, but again, that's where your firmness in your own boundaries will have to come in. You cannot do it all, and he does need help even if he has to pay for it. Then the once a week meal with the deafening TV can be addressed, but the bigger issue is the amount of care you are doing to your own detriment. I'm not saying it's easy though, as getting care is like getting blood out of a stone, but for your own wellbeing you have to.

@MereDintofPandiculation

Yes, his ears still match the prescription. Me and my mum have been ferrying him about to many appointments for his ears so we can absolutely rule out any excuse of 'they're not right / ears are blocked / need a different prescription.

To the posters saying it's not an easy fix, I know this. But I have been around my grandad on the extremely rare occasions where he has worn the hearing aids, and the difference is huge. I don't get overstimulated and he can hear the conversations and I don't get shouted 'WHAT? WHAT? HUH? Finish your sentences properly Charlotte!!'
Constantly..

I'm honestly at breaking point 😢

When you're round his and you tell him to wear them, what does he say?

You don’t need anyone’s permission to take care of yourself. You have to do it. If he misses conversation with you that much he can make it more pleasant for you! That’s good training at 8 or 82 (my own father is 92 and wears his hearing aids religiously.)

@Lallydallydune - he says he doesn't need them, that he can hear perfectly fine, and the contradicts that and says his ears are blocked so his aids don't work.

His ears aren't blocked, he's just had them assessed.

OP, I understand you are doing a lot. I used to do a similar amount for my father, and I know how wearing it is.

There are a couple of things I would do differently:

I wouldn't be shopping twice a week for him. Once a week is manageable. Click and collect is a lot less effort than taking him shopping (My dad could take three hours getting less than £20 worth of goods from a supermarket) so you're right to be doing that.

Can you train him to use a taxi for his cafe meet up? Set up an account with a local taxi firm so he doesn't have to faff around paying on every journey? Madness for you to have to kick your heels for an hour. Similarly for other lifts.

Is he getting attendance allowance? If he's needing that much support, he may qualify, and that might enable you to pay for a cleaner to change his sheets for him.

have you discovered the Elderly Parents board on here? Supportive board full of people with similar experiences who can understand where you're coming from.