Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

The women can’t defend themselves blah blah line is pathetic. It has zero do to with your gender. It’s the tone of your responses to anyone who disagrees with you.

Giving an already grieving, lonely, probably scared elderly person an ultimatum is in my opinion a shitty thing to do. An hearing aids can be very disorientating to someone who has experienced hearing loss for a long time. It can take perseverance and patience. Again, your grandfather has autonomy over this decision however annoying it is for those around him.

OP I really feel for you, you're in a very difficult position and you've clearly had as much as you can take. But I think you might consider that it's possible for your grandad to be lazy and bone idle AND for him to have a valid reason for not wanting to wear his hearing aids. The majority of posters may not agree but the majority of posters don't have any experience of wearing aids themselves. Part of the point of posting on an open forum is to get insights that aren't normally available to you. If you're going to discard the opinions of hearing aid users just because they're in the minority you're doing yourself a disservice.

I don't think you're unreasonable for wanting him to change. I do think you're unreasonable, or at least unwise, for insisting he wears his aids in your house when you have no idea what that might be like for him, and you're dismissing the people who are trying to explain to you.

@Notchangingnameagain

Saying it has nothing to do with gender shows your naivety here massively. The relentless care of family members nearly ALWAYS is left down to the women.

I am a woman at breaking point, and I've been called all sorts on this thread for just trying to assert boundaries. If you think that's 'aggressive' then lucky you to never have witness practical aggression.

Yes, he has autonomy. But I do too, and so does my mum. If someone is bending over backwards, reaching breaking point to care for him because he is refusing outside care, then he should do the right thing and help himself, and make our lives a bit easier by wearing his hearing aids.

Just because I'm not sitting looking pretty taking all the shit you and a small number of posters have flung at me, doesn't make me aggressive. It's 2024, women are allowed to defend themselves. But women like you who sit rocking in the corner shouting 'AGGRESSIVE' to any women who does are part of the problem. You don't have to agree with me and I don't have to agree with you, but if you start throwing insults, be prepared for me to throw them back.

I'm asking for ONE SMALL THING, in return for me and mum caring to all his needs, saving him going into a home. It's called give and take. You should try it sometime.

I'd ignore the poster calling you aggressive honestly.

There's always one critical person on a thread.

I don't think you're aggressive.

@MontyDonsBlueScarf

I see your point I really do and I'm not trying to be deliberately obtuse, but he has high end, very expensive hearing aids that he chose, and promised to wear, on the pretence my mum pays for them as he didn't want to wait the long waiting time on the NHS.

He has said himself that they fit fine, they don't hurt him and don't itch. He has said that he doesn't need them and that's final.. if he said they hurt or they make him uncomfortable then completely agree. I have no experience in wearing them so I can't comment on that. But he says himself he can't be bothered to wear them as he doesn't need them and can't be bothered to charge them. I take that at face value.

It's incredibly frustrating that mum shelled out thousands, it's essentially a complete waste of money.

Other PPs have mentioned depression. He is depressed, he is in ADs prescribed, sertraline (prob spelt that wrong) - that was one of money appointments I've done with him to the GP about. Of course he's grieving, but we all are. My lovely mum is grieving her mum, she is also just getting over having to look at me on life support and take full care of my daughter when I spent over 100 days in hospital.

We need a break, and that break is to ask him to meet us half way and wear his aids. Not all the time, but when he's with us for lengths of time. I'm overstimulated and both of us are on the verge of burnout.

It's incredibly tough. Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it.

Thank you @Lallydallydune, you've really had my back on this thread and given me really practical advice and been a huge voice of reason. I just wanted to say thank you.

My dad was like this. In the end we got some small (A4 size) white boards and markers. If he couldn’t hear we’d write him messages on that. My dad knew his hearing was terrible though, but didn’t particularly want to communicate.

Thanks OP I appreciate your reply. All I can suggest at this point is that you make it crystal clear to him that you're asking him to wear his aids not because he needs them, not because you want him to or think he should, but because you NEED him to wear them so that you don't have so much stress in your life. You know that when he wears them your stress levels go down, remind him of that so he knows you're not just looking to control him, you're asking for something you KNOW will help YOU. Can you position it as a good and kind thing he could do for you, regardless of whether it makes any difference to him? Though how you'll get the nuances of this across when he can't hear you, I'm not sure....

I think you mentioned earlier that you and your mum were going to take a short break, that sounds like a really good idea and I hope you can make it happen.

YANBU - I agree you need to put boundaries in place that suit you. Don't stop seeing him but visit him at his house instead. My mum is deaf and has had hearing aids for years. Even with hearing aids it difficult to have a conversation without shouting so without I can't even imagine it.

Huge sympathy OP. This is weaponised incompetence on his part.

I would be drawing a tough boundary but your mother and other female relatives need to do the same.

Not opening his own post, not writing his own cards … that’s an entitled old man taking advantage of female relatives. I am so sick of this sort of story.

You’re not his servants ffs!

My dad was profoundly deaf so can relate. Though he wasn't lazy. It was incredibly frustrating.

One thing that helped was headphones while watching telly, as well as putting the subtitles on. Obviously this means this limits interaction further but at least you don't have tv at full volume.

Also can you use any text to speech app to save writing / shouting?

And then some hard truths with him about the stress you and your mum are under.

Yes, I also read that deafness can worsen dementia. It's very isolating. My mum is getting deaf now and I'm guessing it's hereditary. I'm going to learn BSL and ask the kids to do the same!

OP your not being unreasonable. Look after yourself and your lovely mum x

Specsavers or Boots will clean his ears for £50.

It's nice to support family, but no one is entitled to be actively obstructive and run their family into the ground. If it was just struggling to adjust to the hearing aids that would be understandable, but it's much bigger than that; he won't accept external help and his behaviour to OP, her mum, his deceased wife and the contrast when he "behaves" when OP's dad is around shows a deeply ingrained misogeny.

OP only give what you can afford to give- you have your own needs and responsibilities. If the positions were reversed, he wouldn't support you extensively would he?

This is completely true. I'm afraid that this really is feel routed misogyny. He doesn't listen to the female audiologists and the females that say his ears aren't blocked and he needs to wear his aids. Perhaps trying to get an appt with a male GP may help but I'm clutching at straws here.

I've had a long chat with mum tonight. She's contacting social care tomorrow and I'm tackling ageUK.

She and I have sent a message re aids, and if he still wants our help, he needs to call us once his hearing aids are in. If we get to his door and they aren't in, we will drop meals and go.

I know a lot of this is ingrained in him, but it doesn't mean we have to stand for it. My mum loves her dad dearly and I love him too, but there's just no need for all of this. You don't bite the hand that feeds you, as the saying goes!

My great-aunt was very hard of hearing.
She’d wear her hearing aids to watch tv, and then take them out when we’d visit.
I think she was embarrassed.
They were huge things that fit behind her ears — I kind of don’t blame her.

My son is deaf. He needs regular breaks from his hearing aids because it can be really tiring/overwhelming/uncomfortable to wear them all the time.

Luckily people seem more understanding of a deaf child than a deaf elderly person and people don't tend to treat his deafness as an irritation. I wish people had the same respect for elderly people who are losing their hearing.

Men don’t just turn into paragons of virtue when they get old, you know? He’s a grown man, not a child.

You evidently haven't RTFT.

My grandad doesn't wear them at all.

This is completely irrelevant to a deaf child. Completely different circumstances.

I'm allowed to vent and not tolerate having my grandad take the piss out of me and mum, when all were asking is he wears his hearing aid ffs

Seriously, you make absolutely no sense.

You’ve asked a question in AIBU some people have said you ARE being unreasonable and you have been aggressive towards them.

Further down the thread, you have said you and your mother are at breaking point. That puts a different perspective on your AIBU.

You seem intent on this being about gender when you are the one writing things such as “sitting looking pretty” which have no relevance to your AIBU or anything I have written.

I am not naive and FWIW it is 10.30pm. I left home at 8.00am this morning, I have children, a job, a home and today have myself, dedicated time I don’t really have, to look after two very annoying, very selfish elderly relatives from two different families. It’s hard.

You are very rude and very aggressive and I will no longer engage in this thread. I do however, wish you all the best and hope you resolve your issue with your grandparent.

TheDotMatriX , she's already done this.

Specsavers do ear waxing

My partner is hard of hearing and though I don't like repeating myself or the telly being on loud, I sympathise with how unpleasant he finds it to wear hearing aids. They make his inner ears itch and he can't hear a thing when he's out if there's any wind, and many sounds are uncomfortably over-magnified. He does get the hearing aids serviced and so on.
I agree with pp that you should tell your granddad that you can't tolerate the TV being on loud when you visit. Communication will be very difficult if he can't hear but insists that he can! TBH he sounds like quite a difficult chap anyway, hard of hearing or not, and if it wasn't this being a pain, it might be something else.

@bobbybiscuits @crockofshite

He's very recently had his ears checked. One appointment with me and one appointment with mum.

His ears are 100% clear and they said aren't blocked at all. We've taken him so many many times as he uses that excuse as to why he won't wear his aids. So each time we take him, they say they are clear.

It's frustrating and he is quite frankly wasting our time.

@Notchangingnameagain so I'm rude and aggressive, for standing up to a rude and aggressive poster (you?)

You still haven't managed to give me any examples of me being aggressive.

You sound like a total elevenerife. Stop racing to the bottom. I don't need a detailed novel of just how much you've done today. No one likes an elevenerife.