Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

I don't go through it as much as you. I live in a different country to my mum.

However when I go to visit her she expects me to do absolutely everything for her. She's 76.

I have set boundaries with her.

OP not to be harsh but YOU also need to change your behaviour.

You don't have to be at your grandfather's beck and call. Stand up to him. You don't have to do everything for him.

YANBU!
My FIL does that and then wonders why the children don’t have a relationship with him - because you can’t hear what they say to you so of course they go to someone else. What irritates me is that he will put them on when he is watching a film on his own but then take them when we eat together, basically he is not interested in hearing us.

My dad on the contrary wears his all the time, it took a lot of trials until he could find the right ones for him but once found he said it was amazing. I don’t know if they all do that but his could connect to his phone / the tv etc

I don't think you're being unreasonable, he sounds like he's been indulged and not had to take responsibility. I think you know when someone is struggling but trying to help themselves vs when someone just expects everyone else to accommodate them - I'd trust your instincts. He's elderly but so are lots of people who get their hearing aids in even when they don't like them and make an effort!

Stop raising voices to try and accommodate him. If he pretends he can hear that's his choice. He may eventually choose to use his aids, but you'll have to hold your boundary a while!

I am ND and have hearing loss and I feel your pain, OP!

Getting overstimulated from loud noise all the times makes me want to climb out of my own skin. Will definitely trigger a meltdown for me in the end.

I don't love wearing hearing aids and they do take time to get used to, but I do because ... I can't hear properly otherwise!

My MIL hardly ever wears hers and I absolutely will not pander to it and she will put them in around me. She is generally lovely, and we get on well, but I do find that with her, and a few other people who've needed hearing aids as they got older, that there's a bit of underlying, probably unintentional disablism in there. Like admitting to a disability makes them "lesser" somehow. I have two other friends who've used hearing aids for years like me and they are not like that. I realise that's just ancedotal, but it is my experience!

You're doing a lot for your DGD already and as a single parent and going through chemo I absolutely take my hat off to you. I can't imagine how you are managing to keep all those balls up in the air. You sound bloody amazing.

I am not surprised you are reaching breaking point. You need to protect yourself for the sake of your own health and the sake of your DC. You are absolutely right to put in place reasonable boundaries. Asking him to wear hearing aids is a reasonable boundary.

If you put in place a boundary and he then turns to your DM - that is not your responsibility. It's so, so hard, I've been in a similar situation, but all you can do with that is support your DM in enforcing her own reasonable boundaries.

Sometimes, people we love and who are overall lovely are entitled. From your updates, your DGD sounds entitled (it sounds like he is compos mentis: my advice would be a bit different otherwise).

He was pandered to my your DGran and now he expects the same of your and your DM. That is not OK. He may be elderly, but he is still an adult and has to take responsibility for himself too. If he needs carers, but refuses them, you and DM need to stand firm and not step into the breach. His choice whether to accept carers or to struggle on, but he does not get to choose to make you and your DM suffer trying to do the caring work that is clearly too much for you.

Good luck, OP.

Deafness is difficult and exhausting- exhausting for people trying to communicate, too. He should wear his hearing aids. If he refuses, just speak and carry on as though he is wearing them and can hear. Make no concessions at all, don’t speak louder, don’t repeat. His choice

I just read your OP again. You said you, your mum and your aunt are all looking after your grandfather.

First of all, why are you all looking after him. You don't have to. You are doing too much for him and you are enabling him.

If you stop doing so much for him, he will have to get a carer to help him

Another thing to consider s that people with hearing loss who have hearing aids but don't use them are at very high risk of dementia eg my MIL who can't hear a thing but is perfectly fine....

I missed your update about him not doing anything for himself when you and your DM stepped away - I would seriously consider stepping away and reporting to adult social services and his GP when he refuses to do anything for himself and creates a welfare issue. You will have to have absolutely solid boundaries with adult SS though that you will not step into the breach.

Someone said something to me once that always stayed with me.

She said "I wasted the best years of life looking after my elderly mother". Out of duty and guilt.

She said "by the time my mother was dead, I was 45 and all of my own life was wasted".

We don't exist to look after parents or grandparents. It is a carers responsibility.

But my guess is that you do what you can to persevere and meet people half way, if you know what I mean. Some people just don't/ won't/ don't think they should have to/ feel like a special case.

I second this. At some point he will need to face up to the fact that external support is needed. Social services can provide support.

We have the same thing with my MIL. She throws her hearing aids away. It is very frustrating. Anything really important I write down. Either on a piece of paper/ mini white board/ into notes on my phone and give to her to read.

The real issue here is that you are at breaking point. The hearing aids are a red herring. You resent him because you think he is bone idle and taking the piss. Your nan pandered to him for years, but you don't need to.

Maybe try reframing your thinking. He is not going to change, but you can. You are not obliged to do everything for him. Pioritise your own wellbeing and that of your dc.

Dial back on what you do for him. Have a think about what is possible and set some boundaries for yourself.

I think some elderly people go into absolute denial about their physical and mental decline.

That's why they refuse hearing aids and carers.

It's an "I don't need hearing aids sure I'm fine " attitude and and "I don't need carers sure I'm fine" attitude.

It probably comes from fear of getting older.

Why are people 'ashamed' of hearing aids, but perfectly fine to wear glasses?

Bring up with his Dr that your Grandad needs his ears syringed nexttime you take him to his Dr appointment. (Put drops in his ears from the Chemist for the preceding three days).
Then once his ears are clean and clear, take your Grandad to his ear specialist to revise his hearing aids. Some of the newer ones are nicer to wear.

Because you can have bad sight at any age.

But losing your hearing usually happens to older people, so they don't want to wear them to be seen as "old and physically weak".

My husband is like thus and I don't raise my voice i speak normally and make him ask me to repeat myself or tell him he has misheard. I point out that him not wearing his hearing aids is the single biggest cause of arguments and upset between us. That ge cannot possibly be offended at 'a tone' he doesn't like when he can't actually hear the tone in question

I also say you failing to wear, charge or maintain your hearing aids is like saying you don't care about my feelings, that you expect me to work harder than you at maintaining our relationship and it makes me feel uncherished and unloved. He generally starts wearing them for a while and then we repeat the process a few months later.

It's tiring but I respect that hearing aids are super triggering for him and that if I let him pretend he's fine without them it will carry on. If he feels that he's wearing them for me and our relationship it reframes the discussion and he doesn't feel threatened or made to do something.

Sympathies, OP.

If I see my DM doesn't have her hearing aids in I tell her I'm not going to bother speaking to her. Sometimes she will then put them in, more often than not there will be an excuse like they are not charged. I'm done with shouting, repeating myself 3-4 times, and having to consider before starting any conversation whether it's worth the effort of actually speaking.

I'm dreading xmas already as the TV will be ramped to bellowing volume for hours on end. I loathe it.

I was just trying to imagine wearing hearing aids.

I was thinking it must be such a fright to think that I'm losing my hearing, that maybe I would go into complete denial, and pretend that it isn't happening altogether.

Wearing hearing aids would mean me accepting the frightening reality that I'm losing my hearing.

That's probably how these people feel

I love my grandad, I would do anything for him.

Contrary to the tone of every post about him and many of the comments you make.

Oh Entitled Emma, you have no idea do you.

One phrase and one phrase only for you? ODFOD. 👏🏼

Op

You've stated that

You are a single parent
You work full time
You are going through chemo yourself

You also give your grandad lifts, do shopping for him and change and wash his bedsheets.

It sounds like you are burning out and taking on too much.

You can't make him put his hearing aids in.

But you can focus on you and your family and if you are going through chemo yourself absolutely should be focusing on yourself.

Step back.

You said you and your mum and various other relatives are on a rota.

Talk to them. Explain you are doing chemo, are seriously ill yourself and cannot be supporting this man while you are ill.

If they have to step down the level of care then that is the way it is.

Focus on yourself and your child.

This is like my FIL, it is SO annoying. Everyone just shouts around him now, so it just enables his stubbornness to not get them. I feel like if we all spoke normally he wouldn't be able to join in and WOULD go and get them fitted.

I've tried to say can we all stop shouting so he realises how bad his hearing is? But everyone just goes back to shouting again. I just can't be bothered to join in with all the shouting.

I don’t know if I am massively over simplifying this. But I have a relative who gets really dehydrated, utis etc and when I’d looked after them previously I kept pleading with them to drink more water. Following some advice I’ve change tactics, now I never asked if they want a drink, I just make them a cup of tea. I replace said cup of tea whenever its empty. I must make about 30 cups a day but they stayed hydrated in my care!

So with your grandad, I would pick up his hearing aids when you go get him, put them on charge and then as soon as he starts shouting at you bring them to him and tell him to put them. You are (probably?) much more likely to get him to wear them if you have them right there charged rather than him having to get up and go get them.

And then next start thinking of what he needs vs what he wants and is to lazy to do. There’s not a cats chance in hell id be writing a capable adults Xmas cards for them!