Elderly relative won't wear hearing aids. Stopping visits until he does?

[TheTreeLightsAreFuckingMeOffNow]

Morning all,

This might sound harsh but it's driving me up the bloody bend.
My grandad is elderly, 82. He's frail now and has just given up his license. Between me and my mum we have a rota for all lifts needed, I have him round for dinner once a week and so does she. The load is shared between me, my mum and aunt. My nanny sadly passed away a few years back so we try and keep grandad busy as he can get lonely. He lives 5 doors up from my mum and I know she carries a huge load of this and she struggles so I really try and help out as much as I can between having young DC, working full time as a single parent etc. grandad grates on mum sometimes as he won't even bother opening his mail he will just trundle round to mums while she's WFH and give her the envelopes. She's on a bit of a journey with asserting boundaries with this, as he's quite bone idle as it is and my nanny did everything for him so there's aspects that probably won't change now.

Anyway more to the point, he is profoundly deaf. But he never wears his bloody hearing aids! His excuse is 'his ears are blocked so what's the point' and 'he can hear perfectly well without them..' well the only reason he can hear is because we are shouting at him. The TV is on 3/4s of the max volume. It's bloody exhausting. I'm autistic and struggle with loud noises at the best of times. He doesn't know I'm autistic as he doesn't believe in any of that and said 'it's no different to when I take DD to soft play with loud noises'.

Anyway, I personally think it's rude and so antisocial to go to peoples houses, be fed and looked after and expect everyone to shout at him. Just put the bloody hearing aids in!

I've now said to grandad that he cannot come round or ask for help unless he's wearing his hearing aids. This hasn't gone down well with him, of course. I'm conscious with mum now getting even more of the load as I've put that boundary in place. I have suggested that she also has the same boundary she maybe it'll make him realise. She is thinking about doing the same thing.

AIBU? I think it's rude to come into someone else's home and expect everyone to shout when there's an easy fix. Shouting at someone and having to repeat yourself for 2-3 hours I find utterly exhausting, I come away feeling really overwhelmed and honestly can't wait to drop him back. I know that's probably due to my ND but I just can't do it anymore.

He won't wear them because he 'doesn't need them.' We've asked if they hurt or are too loud and he said they're fine.

AIBU? What else can we do? Thank you!

That is completely what happened. My nanny did absolutely everything for him.

He needs to understand that we won't necessarily do this, and he needs to help himself so we can help him

I wear a hearing aid, have done since my early sixties. Deafness runs in my family, great aunt so deaf that everything was written on a slate. I don't know why peopleare so weird about hearing aids when they accept wearing glasses. I suggest that if you're tired of shouting, write everything down and explain why!

I think you’re being too harsh here. My elderly dad recently got hearing aids sorted at last and they’re really complicated - with instructions in tiny writing that none of us can read. It’s taken him ages to get used to them and keep on top of charging them etc.

Thing is, this is NOT the only way to solve your problems. You could get a handheld whiteboard and write messages for him to read. You could insist the TV stays low with subtitles on.

I won't ever police what he does in his home, but in my home, my boundary is that he needs to wear his hearing aids.

People don't realise how genuinely exhausting it is to one, be shouted at for hours on end as he can't hear himself, and to, having to shout and repeat myself for hours on end. I get incredibly overstimulated and overwhelmed by it and it's making me want to back away. I really don't want to and I love him dearly but I feel this is the only way he will listen.

I don't know what else to suggest. I'm not some horrible judgemental ageist person. I've bent over backwards for him and I still do, despite me going through chemotherapy and various treatments myself.

I am utterly exhausted. I just want him to wear his hearing aids so I can carry on helping him!

I can't sit there and write on a whiteboard for 2-3 hours.

We have all numerous times helped him and taught him how to use them. It's not of a case of him not knowing how to or not reading instructions. He just doesn't want to wear them.

Not sure why you bothered posting when you’re not interested in having anyone disagree with you.

He doesn’t want to wear them. You can’t force him. He’s going to die soon, is this really worth cutting him off over?

I can’t imagine treating my dad like this.

You have my utmost sympathy. DM was a bit like this. I used to have to leave the room when she had the TV on. I think she didn't notice much difference and struggled a bit with her hearing aids, I understand you do need to get used to them, but when she had them in it was transformational. In the end I just got them for her every time I saw her and made her put them in. Ultimately I was more important to her than she was to me (although I adored her) and she wore them, albeit reluctantly.

Stand your ground with him, but are there other ways you can take the slack off your DM?

@blackcatsarethebestcats

Well done, blue Peter badge in the post for you! 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

Oh it absolutely is exhausting being around someone who won't wear their hearing aids and still wants to join in conversations.

You get random interjections. They have no idea what you're talking about at all.

My mum just stopped talking to my dad.

I think your boundaries are fine.

He is fundamentally (a bit like my dad) a bone idle lazy man who thinks women should do everything for him.

You have my permission not to see him if that's what you want.

(Can highly recommend loop ear buds more generally though)

Can you try wearing loop ear buds to lessen how ditressing the loud shouting is for you?

Hello, thank you for your reply. I really appreciate it as currently I'm being made to feel I'm cruel and harsh and treating him badly. So I really appreciate your response.

So far I: order and pick up his click and collect twice a week from Tesco
Take him to see his friends at the cafe meet ups on a Thursday and wait for an hour and take him home.
Change his bedsheets every other weekend
Take his washing home with me and drop it back
Take him to his doctors appointments weekly
Pick up prescriptions (no delivery service near us)
Have him round for dinner
Help him with his mail and bills
Give him any lifts as and when needed

There's more, but that's what I've done in the last week or so.

I've been going through chemo myself and I am a single parent who works full time. I am really struggling and I think people are underestimating how much him wearing his hearing aids will help me.

Thank you. I really needed to read this.

I just needed a bit of validation I suppose.

It’s sooo frustrating.
My mum has issues with hearing “other people” when she uses hers and prefers not to wear them but then it’s almost impossible to communicate. I’m ND and it almost drives me round the bend. Even when wearing them she always says “hmmm?” to everything I say and I’ve learned if I don’t repeat myself she will answer 🤷🏼‍♀️🤦‍♀️

I feel your pain. It's so overstimulating isn't it!

I also recommend Loop earplugs. Saved my sanity when visiting my elderly parents. Dad, who's 83, has owned hearing aids for maybe ten years now, and never ever wears them. He cannot hear anything we say unless we SHOUT, comes into a room and starts bellowing at us because from his pov we're sitting in silence... TV is on so loud the in-built speakers make that feedback sound (won't accept a new tv or external speakers or soundbar as they're not needed...) and he cannot hold a conversation with anyone not shouting. He's woken/scared my baby (she's now three) because he's so loud.

He claims it's because they hurt his ears, but refuses to look at new ones, because actually they make his ears itch anyway, but won't use the cream the nurse gave him, but the hearing aids don't work anyway so why bother... it's intensely frustrating and I feel I've lost a lot of my darling Dad as we can't have real conversations anymore. He's had his ears checked and cleaned more than I've had my hair cut in recent years! But no joy.

I accept he won't wear them, and it's a pointless battle, he's not going to suddenly agree to wear them at his age, he's too stubborn, so I wear my earbuds or leave the room when it's too loud for me (also ND so adding deafening noises to overheated, airless rooms which smell of smoke despite him only smoking outside is a killer for me).

I think your only kind course of action is adjusting something yourself, as my dad certainly is not going to change and your grandad sounds similar. Maybe have him over every fortnight - would that give you better respite to gear up for and recover from a stressful evening? Can you make time to take him to the cinema or something in the other week? My Dad can at least hear what's going on there with the surround sound and he likes the odd trip.

He’s old and likely struggling with his deafness. hearing aids only help so much.

But speaking as someone who just lost someone - don’t stop visiting. You don’t want regret on top of sadness.

Wear loop ear plugs and simply tell everyone to cease shouting. If he wants to hear he will use the aids (and likely find it less overwhelming if everyone isn’t shouting when he does). If he is content with company, the you can live life around him and he’ll feel included.

I have to wear hearing aids and have done for some considerable time (I'm 76). They are uncomfortable to wear for extended periods ime. I do wear them when members of the family are around but otherwise when at home rarely put them in. It does irritate DP as he sometimes has to shout but he is understanding. Perhaps you need to be more so with DGF.
As far as the TV is concerned I use subtitles rather than have it playing at full volume.

Thank you, this really means a lot.
I'll have a look at the loop earplugs today and get some ordered.

I just feel like he expects us to carry his load to the point I'm at breaking point, but won't help us or make our lives easier by wearing them.

I know it's not a quick fix but same here, we've taken him many times to get his ears unblocked and the last time the person said his ears aren't blocked and he needs to wear his aids.

I just think if you're expecting others to help so much, because you're refusing ANY outside care help, then you need to help us. I don't think that's unreasonable. I'm sorry you've been through this too, it's exhausting isn't it.

Wow people are being really harsh to OP. Why does grandad's want to not wear hearing aids trump OP's complete overwhelm at being shouted at for hours?

OP I think you're right. If he wants to come round, pop in the hearing aids. If he doesn't want to, that's ok but he'll be on his own.

Could you pop around to him for as long as you can manage and then say "sorry grandad, gotta go, my head is banging with all the shouting". Twenty minutes or whatever?

Just because he's old and doesn't want to wear his hearing aids doesn't mean he can get his own way. His choice is

1. don't wear his hearing aids but accept OP can't manage a visit
2. wear his hearing aids for a hour or two every couple of days so OP can visit and help him

Why is that a problem?

My dad was like this. I always spoke normally to him, he always asked his wife what I was saying, she always bellowed "she's saying put your hearing aids in because she'sonly going to speak at a normal volume". So he always then put them in.

The only reason he didn't usually is because everyone pandered to him. Which was ludicrous!!!!

Stick to your guns, OP.

I come home utterly, utterly exhausted and frazzled to a crisp. Feel like crying much of the time. I just want to be somewhere peaceful and quiet but she’s getting very needy and has recently developed some serious health problems so I have to be there at least some of the time.

I’ve got a little respite completely by myself at the beach coming up this evening until Thursday afternoon and honestly it’s my oxygen mask, it’s that essential.

best to you and your mum and your grandad in your situation xx

We're only asking him to wear them when he's around us or even as a compromise when he's here for dinner. I can cope with a 30 minute car journey dropping him places but when he's in my home with the telly on 75 volume and I'm trying to make him dinner with a 4 year old in tow, I'd really appreciate if he wears them.

Why are you shouting at him for hours?

Just speak normally and if he can’t hear you, shrug your shoulders and carry on.

If you are at his house and the tv is on really loudly, turn it off. If he complains, you leave.

Hearing aids are not like wearing glasses, they often input very loud noises sometimes, the 'hum' is there, and often they are a last resort for people, it also depends if he has good ones or whatever the NHS has given him (which is better than it used to be but not necessarily top of the range). I know several people who use them, or rather don't use them, as they irritate their ears, don't deliver the kind of sound they find ok, or get infections a lot.

They don't seem easy to use and some people just prefer to go without than experience the above.

I think you are being unreasonable to expect him to wear them, but that's your decision. I wouldn't shout non-stop though, I'd communicate over food, but beyond that, just chat and if he can't hear, that's his decision too.

As an aside - what if grandad wanted to smoke constantly in OP's house because it made him feel comfortable - would that be ok?

Or wanted to sit around in his underwear because it made him comfortable - would that be ok?

Sometimes/often we have to modify our behaviour to help others feel comfortable. In this case OP has put up with a lot. Time for grandad to wear the hearing aid for an hour